That Really Jars My Binks

back in da game. got myself a date for next tuesday. in a vibe i did see coming but hadnt quite committed to what i was thinking about it, the girl IS poly and partnered which at first made me go "gasp!" and then "oh right that makes sense"

i have been on hinge very much monogamous but more in the frame of mind is i think at least know how some of that works vs something out. it has amounted to nothing. so

but i was also thinking that like. idk my BIGGEST fear and somewhat unresolvable discomfort with being back into dating is just like. how do i tell someone that i like my space? that I like my own bed, especially even without them in it?

i had been planning like. what if i was with someone who got a two bedroom with me (lol). but did not have any better resolution

but on the flip side i now realize that idk IF (big IF) the girl and i hit it off more, it would actually be kinda epic to be in a relationship but to not like... "worry" i am going to lose my space. to have something voluntary, and comfortable, but still with space

in my head that was something i was going to try to just... brute force through (and i still may have to do that eventually idk). but i have basically thought "actually, there seem to be unique upsides that could work really well for me"

the counterpoint is ofc stuff like. communication. would i be jealous? i figure ill just yolo it because i am nothing if not good at pulling the ripcord on relationships i dont feel comfortable in

i DO think jealously is something i can feel but it is never just romantic relationships. my brain always wants to do all or nothing, black or white, and i REALLY struggle when i have to find the inbetween--which, notably, is actually where every interaction in life exists. I can't just be 100% or 0% in anything, and ive had a LOT of issues bouncing between one in the other. so i think that is both a palpable hurdle AND an opportunity for growth--happening in a context where that is part of the conversation COULD be productive. it could also be jumping in the deep-end, lest i try to rationalize too heavily

i DO also need to be aware of a potential FOMO vibe cause it really is like. went my whole transition feeling like i basically lost the whole and entire ability to be desirable to anyone. and i dont wanna give up an opportunity when i finally get one. nothing makes you feel like you are starved for a crumb of attention like a girl laughing at your jokes and reading you as a sub

it CERTAINLY cant leave me with anymore baggage than i already got. idk. something that is clearly communicated & with well-defined boundaries would be the ideal....

so we'll see how that goes? ill do a bit more reading to see if there is anything i have/haven't taken account of. this is one ramble that if someone DOES have input (vis a vis dipping toes into poly) i would not be mad. like i dont necessarily plan to date on the side but idk maybe i will stay on hinge. for the practice. or just keep going to queer events in general

i do know people who have had both the good and bad the end of this exact stick. the big question will probably always be "is there a time i would want her all to myself?" and that ofc feels premature and presumptive ESPECIALLY given the context of my dating goals being "im the only person sleeping in my own bed the majority of any given week" so it's gonna be a balance of my all or nothing tendencies with my more general desire for personal space and time

i dont KNOW if my desire for personal space is like. emotional damage or a part of who i am (or a combo of both)--is it something i SHOULD be trying to change [would it make me a "better" person if i turned into someone who wants someone sharing my bed every night?]. is it something that might change naturally in situ, value neutral?

i dont have the answers to any of these questions. they may not even matter if we meet up tuesday and decide we suddenly find one another extremely boring. but if you know me, you know i LOVE overanalyzing a situation and feeling like I know all the angles.

i have already given some of my basics upfront too and told her that if she doesnt wanna hold my hand through it i wont be mad either. but she thinks i am funny and cute so. we'll see how that goes. i wanna have fun. i want to be desired. everything else is a bonus, i think.

2026 is really the year of leah doing endless growth and self-discovery. very funny to have this happening too just as i am moving into my own place for the first time ever!! that i met her on the first night i wore something i put together and felt proud of. that i am trying to find who i actually am past the surface level stuff of gender

i kinda had the same meltdown two or three times last week (this is a bit sad but this week i feel it SIGNIFICANTLY less) that just had the reframe "i am nothing i am nobody". and i have to stress this isn't about like "wow everyone hates me" kind of way. it was specifically in the like. "what am i when no one else is looking?" and as noted above--that's the question ive been trying to answer for the last 4 or 5 years.

ever since i got my current steady job especially this question keeps coming to me of what am i doing now? im 31, and i have decades ahead of me. what do i want??????????????????? and i feel like being unable to articulate what i want is where a lot of the difficulty comes from. going on this date is not the panacea, poly or monogamous.

but it'll be another data point. because that's what girls love to hear they are.