The Guided Arts (old)

Many people have issues sticking to brands in life so I decided I would take an attempt at educating the undomesticated.

Step 1: Do Not Take a Class That Teaches You About Logical Fallacies. If you do this you will immediately see through the flaws inherent in the guide’s logic, and you will fail to stick to brands. Although this may not be bad for some, for the masses who read this guide it will very much so go against their primary goal in life, and not sticking to brands will end up killing you eventually so you better just do your best and try to keep your head down. If you’re not one of them, you’re one of us. The lucky few who can enjoy life, be it through ignorance. The following steps will be very useful for you.

Step 2: Ignore Whatever Others Say About Your Brand When It’s Bad, and When They Say Something Bad, Say “Well, You’re Just Stupid. You Wouldn’t Understand, and So I Shouldn’t Even Think About Listening To You.” To the kind of individual we referred to in the previous Step, they may refer to this as an “Ad Hominem.” Now, they would point out the discrete issues in this line of thinking due to its attacking the individual instead of the argument they make, but I have one simple bounce back answer to this! You’re stupid. If you do believe that, that is. If you don’t, you’re completely fine however.

Step 3: If Someone Says, For Instance, “Your Brand is Bad Because the People Who Make Your Clothes Kill Children,” Bounce Back With “Well, Your Favorite Brand Works In China, and China Uses Children To Make Its Clothes, And You’re Telling Me To Go To Them?!” Someone of a different composure may believe that this could be considered Ad Hominem as well as a Straw Man, in which the perpetrator argues against a different point than the one they’re supposed to, which is “wrong” and “dumb.” However I think this line of thinking is New. Maybe even, New And/Or Cool? I don’t even know.

Step 4: Completely Ignore Other Brands, Regardless of Potential Monetary Gain Or Availability. This one may be called an “argumentum ad ignorantiam,” which is apparently Latin for “Argument/Appeal for/to Ignorance,” but I like to respond back with “What are you even talking about?”

Step 5: Profit? This step is pretty self explanatory, so I’m not going to bother expanding further here. 

It’s been a while since the past update to the Parturition Chronicles, if you haven’t read the other two parts, read them here.

Step [01]: Describe the scenario now. It just so happens to be exactly a year since you discovered what was a temple then and a spaceship now, and it is also your parturition anniversary. You have 2 companions, the “old ,man,” referred to as OM, and the “couch cook,” CC. You yourself are referred to using the unspecified acronym, “AA.” These names have no true significance and don’t really matter, though. You just went through a pretty traumatic experience but things have gotten back to normal recently.

[02]: Look at the time. It is 6:00:05:302 AM. Lovely.

[03]: Check if OM and CC are awake. They are not. It is now 6:00:56:205

[04]: Go to the front of the ship, steer a course back to OM’s Island. You do this. It is now 6:12:16:402.

[05]: Remember to do things that maintain the state of being alive. You remember these things, but you’ve already touched on them in a previous installment and you don’t feel like listing them out here again.

Nevertheless, you do them. It is now 6:25:12:525.

[06]: Read the news. There is no news, you’re in space. Maybe you’ll visit Earth soon though.

[07]: Don’t read the news? Yes, much better. But what can you read?

[08]: A book. You’ll look for one. You search around the space temple/ceremonial ship, and find a library that you had not seen before. You walk through it, and find a guide on how to make guides.

[09]: Read. You do this, and are very glad that you did so.

[10]: Try your hand at making a guide You do this, the guide is on how to to write a book.

[11]: Step 1: Think of a story/plot line. This can be simple, but you should think about this a lot. After all, this may be the most important part.

[12]: Step 2: Write an outline of how the story will go. This should include some things, but here are a few necessities:

- Character list

- Character arcs

- Character interactions

- The general order of things.

[13]: Step 3: Write the first chapter, to see how things go. You might need to rewrite the first chapter once or twice, but try to get a style that you’re happy with.

[14]: Step 4: Share it with some friends. See what they think. Feedback will be your best friend.

[15]: Step 5: Repeat for the next few chapters. Make sure to not feature any heavy shifts in style, this will make the story weird.

[16]: Now you’ve got the basic process down. Here are a few tips.

[17]: 1: Try to keep conversations as natural as possible. Maybe even verbally do them with friends and family to see how unnatural or natural it sounds. A great tip is to base conversations off of internal dialogues. Basically, if you talk to yourself already, you’ll have no trouble.

[18]: 2: Don’t rush writing to meet a deadline. This will ruin the story.

[19]: 3: Just do what feels right. Sometimes these tips may not apply to you, so just do what you feel is correct

[20]: Now that you’ve written a guide, you decide it’s time to wake up some of your friends. It is 9:08:07:060 AM now.

[21]: Go out of the library to wake up OM, and realize he’s already in the kitchen making breakfast. You say hello.

[22]: OM says, “Hi AA, how are you today?”

[23]: You reply, “Nothing much, I wrote a guide, will you read it?”

[24]: OM says, “Sure! Where is it?”

[25]: You hand the guide to the old man. He is reading it, very carefully.

[26]: He finishes reading it, and then gives some feedback, “Nice guide! I might write a book now!”

[27]: He begins to write his outline, so you leave him be. You check out CC.

[28]: CC is asleep. What do you do? Wake him up or let him sleep?

[29]: In order to make the plot move forward, you wake him up. A few hours pass. You are now touching down to the OM’s island.

[30]: You get off the ship... but something’s wrong! None of the robot minions are working, and OM himself states that this is not normal.

[31]: Skip ahead a few pages.

[40]: Meet the villain of the story. You all walk into OM’s house, but there’s something wrong. It’s on fire.

[41]: Inside, is ZZ, the villain. He’s running for the temple! Quick! After him!

[42]: He gets inside, but tries to activate the terminal and it doesn’t work, for some reason. Then OM, CC, and you chase him out and make a daring escape.

[43]: You ask OM who “ZZ” is.

[44]: The old man says, “Back when I was a young’un, like one of y’all, I had a friend and we didn’t get along in the end. Then his grandson was ZZ, and all he wanted was revenge for the robo plantation. Apparently he took it really to heart, even though his old man two generations before couldn’t give much of an iota.”

[45]: You say, “Well, now that that’s covered, how about we look at that outline?” you ask OM.

[46]: Spend several more hours looking at the outline, and critiquing his story and characters.

[47]: Now that’s one way to spend your parturition anniversary. Wait, you hadn’t even realized until right now at 7:00:00:001 PM, you remind OM and CC and they get out a cake.

[48]: You start the candles, and then eat the cake.

[49]: You think you’ve covered everything.

You’ve just made Kool-aid go bankrupt. The company no longer exists. You pressed the “delete” button and so you did with a lot of jobs, what a pleasure.

But this guide was meant to make Kool-aid, not destroy it! So in this final guide we’ll be actually creating Kool-aid, from the ground up.

Step 1: Make a flyer. Have it say “Kool-aid” and put an oddly shaped tea pitcher on it. This will raise excitement for your product.

Step 2: Begin to think of some new flavors. Here’s a list of good ones to start with, so you can claim originality: 1) Lemonade 

2) Strawberry

3) Grape

4) Orange

5) Black cherry

Step 3: Now, very carefully add in some new products. I’m speaking over the course of a few months. Invent Kool-aid canisters. Then maybe some other things that you remember removing.

Step 4: Make new Kool-aid merch. This will make everyone happy.

Step 5: Be proud of your brand. You just made Kool-aid, from the ground up. 

Now you own Kool-aid and all’s good in the world. But you haven’t made Kool-aid, and in the current state of the world, you can’t. What a horrific reality. You must now pave the way.

Step 1: Withdraw all the merchandise you made for Kool-aid over the past while over the course of 1 year. Make it slow, don’t move too fast or people will start to worry.

Step 2: Withdraw a couple products, start with the “singles,” nobody likes them anyway. Then after the singles are gone, slowly narrow it down to just packets.

Step 3: One by one! Get rid of the packets. Begin with “berry cherry,” because it has a pun in its name. Look through company records and fire whoever supported the name. Now move onto peach mango, then get rid of mango, then jamaica, then pineapple because nobody likes that either. Now delete green apple off the face of the earth, finally move on to strawberry lemonade (disgusting, right?) as well as pink lemonade. Now, Mandarina, as well as blue raspberry. Remove strawberry lemonade, and then strawberry kiwi.

Step 4: You should be down to five flavors. Here’s what they are: 1) Lemonade 

2) Strawberry

3) Grape

4) Orange

5) Black cherry

These are the only good flavors of Kool-aid.

Step 5: Announce bankruptcy. Shut down company in a panic. All of a sudden you’re out of resources! (not) What will you do now?

If you have read the other 2 Kool-aid guides, then the next guide will help you stay on the right path towards making Kool-aid.

You now own 51% of the stocks & shares of the Kool-aid business. It’s a rough world, really. People will kill. And you are about to kill someone’s career. 

Are you a billionaire? Do you really want to make Kool-aid? Are you willing to do whatever it takes? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be a sociopath. You can get the help you need. It’s not too late. Wait, wrong comercial. If you answered “no” to any of these questions, get out of my life. There, that’s better.

Now, to the guide.

Step 1: Start to buy more Kool-aid stocks. Get to 99% of all stocks, and then buy the proceeding 1%, no matter what the price. You’re a billionaire, who cares anyway. But, that might make the price go up. Go in disguise so that way nobody knows it’s you, the (in)famous billionaire!

Step 2: Learn your politics. Lobby corporate business. In the olden days, it was corporate businesses who lobbied government individuals. But you are going to put it all on its head; lobby corporate businesses as a non-governmental individual. Nobody can take you down for breaking the law by impersonating someone who doesn’t exist. (see: last step)

Step 3: Get Kool-aid posters, hang them around house. This is kind of an optional step, but you can do it if you want.

Step 4: Show Kool-aid flair, make brand new merch to make even more money. Make Kool-aid trinkets. I would buy some if those were a thing.

Step 5: Raise as much money as you can. You’re getting ready for the big buy of the year. You’ll see why this guide has 6 steps in a moment.

Step 6: BUY KOOL-AID OUTRIGHT. Once you BUY KOOL-AID and all of its other thoughts and ideas, you will have to wait a day because I haven’t written the next part yet. 

Now that you’ve amassed tens, of millions, of dollars, I will tell you how to attain the materials needed to make Kool-aid.

Step 1: Create a plastic factory. Now that you’ve dipped your feet into the plastic industry, I want you to jump head first into the deep, deep pool of plastics. Warning: you may absorb microplastics.

Step 2: Produce pitchers to “these specifications” when explaining to your designer. Don’t give anymore details. And fire them if they ask you for more information.

Step 3: Start to buy Kool-aid stocks. This is an important step, you must get to 51% ownership or you can and will be fined for copying them.

Step 4: Buy Kool-aid outright, you’re a bloody billionaire. They can’t be worth that much, right.

Step 5: Manage your own Kool-aid factory. Now you have everything you need. 

Hello I’m going to be telling you how to make Kool-aid today, that’s right. Here’s the first guide: amass funds.

Step 1: Get a job at a local McDonalds In order to get funds, you have to start small.

Step 2: Become the manager over the course of a year, by doing a perfect job. You may use blackmailing or other methods to do this, we’ll go over this topic in more detail in later guides.

Step 3: Eventually, branch out to other McDonalds. Become the regional manager.

Step 4: Make a billion dollars, buy a plastic factory.

Step 5: You’ll use this later, for now work your way up the McDonalds line.

Step 6: Become the OWNER OF MCDONALDS

Step 1: Completely disregard everything.

Step 2: Write a half baked essay without any actual text.

Step 3: Question yourself.

Step 4: Add flavor text to a subtitle, for ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. Okay.

Step 5: Try harder. No, you try harder.

Step 6: Stop arguing with yourself, and just write a guide. Okay. Guess I’ll post this later, like tomorrow maybe? At 4:56 AM EST? Such as specific time for a specific action. It’s going to teach you how to make Kool Aid. Hope that helps

Step 7: Maybe promote your essays a bit more. Get out more, you mean. Maybe that’s a great idea. Yeah I guess I could, why not.

Step 8: After all, if you don’t work to promote them everywhere nobody will ever find them and you’ll even forget about it. That’s not why I haven’t written a guide in months, I swear.

Step 9: Finish the essay off with a good step. Right, have to make this good... let’s see... three... two... one... zero... negative one... (..) where (...) describes the movement down a straight infinite diagonal, counting all integer values n for negative two to negative infinity.

Step 10: Publish the essay, so people can read it. I hope I don’t forget this step. Eh, maybe someone will remind me later.

We’re all politicians. Sometimes, people will be spreading movements and statements we don’t like. One good example is when people say that children shouldn’t be allowed to work at all.

This is because of propaganda, and this guide will teach you about the dangers of Propaganda and how to get the truth to the masses.

Step 1: Understand what Propaganda is. What is propaganda? Well, propaganda is getting a message to the masses. This could be that children shouldn’t be in factories, or that everyone is in a ton of debt, or something like that.

Why is it propaganda? Who knows. But not all propaganda is bad. In fact, your propaganda just happens to spread the right message!

So here’s what you do:

Step 2: Remove the propaganda that lies (or that you disagree with) This could be as simple as tearing down flyers asking where someone’s dog is, because they lost their dog. These flyers, while it may seem to have good intentions, are actually evil and have very vile intentions. In fact, I would say they do the worst thing of all.

“Why?” you ask? “After all, they might just want their dog back.” you say? Well, no. They distract the masses and get them to waste their resources on one dog, when we should be worrying about the whole picture!

In fact, I think that we should remove dogs from the home space. Dogs are a major distraction and without them our lives would be much more efficient. You’re welcome for the advice. Have a nice day, and don’t forget!

Step 3: Replace these lies and propaganda with the truth (your propaganda).

Dogs are evil vile creatures that should be removed from this earth, and should never be allowed anywhere near humans!

Step 4: Use this to gain power, you need to spread your message further to spread knowledge and intelligence.

Yes! Dogs are horrible! I went door to door telling it to everyone I saw and if I saw a dog I placed them on the list of people who are not accepted into my country (when I make it soon)

Step 5: Help everyone learn the truth.

Many people have cell phones. Many people even use them. But almost nobody properly uses their cell phone. This is a problem because cell phones are one of the most useful tools! 

Today I’ll be helping you all use cell phones, the right way.

Use 1: As a paper weight. Most people like to press a little button on their phone to make a light flash and change from time to time, but this isn’t what a cell phone is supposed to do. In fact, this drains the battery, making the cell phone have a higher chance of becoming- Get this! Useless. 

In order to keep your phone useful, you must not open Pandora’s Box. You must keep the phone off. Curiosity leads to cremation, I was told.

Use 2: As a projectile. Most people like to overpay for “guns” that shoot people, but it turns out all you need to use is a cell phone! They’re cheap, easy to find (just look in bags you find off random people, you’re sure to find one), and they can be used more than once! Some people think this isn’t right, but I can assure you they are all very wrong.

Use 3: As a target, for target practice. Even though I just advised you not to overpay for guns, if you already did, you can still make use of it. 

Get a gun, your phone, and put your phone a ways away from the gun. Then point the gun at the phone and pull the trigger. If you hit it, good job! If you didn’t hit it, try again. 

When you finally shoot your phone, buy a new one. It’s a great cycle, and is very easy to upkeep.

Hopefully you make use of my guide, and use phones the right way from now on.

Sometimes we all get reborn. This is not uncommon, at all. But handling it is quite the difficult task. Complete and total darkness leading back to the light again is quite an odd thing to happen (for an individual). But, as someone who has died a few times, I can say for sure: you can get past this. And yes, it will be traumatizing (which is probably why you’re here in the first place).

Today, I’m going to help you cope with this.

Step 1: Think about everything that happened in your past life that might stress you out. These may include things like your murder, your first crush (Where could they be? Are they okay? Are they dead!?), your spouse or children (same thing for the first crush, you normally keep less tabs on children/spouse though).

Step 2: Try to find out how to reach closure with these things, or continue where you left off. This can be a little more difficult, you have to find a way to get tabs on them again. A good trick is to save your ways of keeping tabs to a Google Account, and then going there to find out where they live again.

Step 3: Reach closure, or continue where you left off. This involves planning from the previous step, and executing said plans.

Step 4: Start new things. This can include meeting new people, a new job, or something else.

Sometimes I see these movies about people fighting gorillas, and I see them losing, and I wonder to myself, “Why in the world would they not know of Gorilla Tactics?” Well lucky for you directors out there reading this planning the next War of the Planet Apes movie, I am here to make it accurate!

Here’s a short guide on gorilla tactics.

Now, an important disclaimer, these tactics do not suggest you are using a gorilla, but that you are fighting them. Now that that’s over with,

Step 1: train gorilla-style martial arts. In order to win against a gorilla, you must know how a gorilla fights. This is why you must learn gorilla-style martial arts.

Gorilla-style martial arts is something that was first invented ages ago, back with lion-style martial arts & the other animal-based martial arts. It was first used against a gorilla in the great gorilla war, when a legendary fighter by the name of Jesus Christ fought a gorilla, predicting every move it would make and easily outwitting it, to the gorillas embarrassment. The gorilla ran away and has not been found since.

Anyway, gorilla-style martial arts teaches you the way a gorilla thinks, lets you get under their skin, dodge their every attack, and eventually win. This is the first step to completing your understanding of gorilla tactics.

Step 2: make gorilla allies. One unseen possibility in the gorilla wars is having another gorilla fight your battles for you. You can make allies by giving them food, fruit is appreciated, and also giving them their favorite treat is sure to make them a permanent ally.

Step 3: learn your enemies. You can learn a general strategy that the regular gorilla will use, but in order to truly predict his moves, you must know him very well. You see, Jesus Christ and this Gorilla did not get along very well at all, but studying him from afar gave Jesus a complete advantage of the gorilla: he knew the gorilla better than the gorilla knew himself.

Step 4: Have the right tools. The tools you will need are as followed:

1. Complete and utter zen. You must be spiritually at peace with the world.

2. A complete guide on gorilla-style martial arts.

3. An understanding of what the gorilla thinks of you.

4. The ability to be unpredictable to this gorilla.

5. Good gorilla allies.

Step 5: Battle the gorilla using all the steps before to your advantage. If you use all these steps, you should win. I’d say good luck, but you don’t need it, my friend.

A brief explanation:

Griller tactics have been used since the early and middle ages, seeing a decline in use some time around the medieval era. A surprising boost in griller tactics however has been seen within the past 20 years, an example being used by the PLO (Palestine Liberation Organization), and while unsuccessful the tactics still have a place in history and a place in my heart and that is why I am here today to explain to you about griller tactics.

Griller tactics consist of the use of a grill to create weaponized sandwiches, which are then used to entice the enemy to come near you. Then, you give the enemy a nice dinner and they think everything is fine, just until you... give them a nice desert! Griller tactics are the most peaceful way to win a war and it simply consists of you somehow gaining your enemy’s love!

Step 1: buy a grill. As the name would suggest, griller tactics do indeed require that the owner has bought a grill in their lifetime, and has used it at least 20 times. 

Step 2: talk to the guy at the grill store. After you have used your grill at least 20 times, talk to the man at the grill store. He will be wearing a vest that says “I LOVE GRILLS” in all capital letters, and he is there to reward you with a badge that says you are a certified griller.

Step 3: call your enemies and invite them over for dinner. At first, they will be very inquisite... they will not believe you are inviting them over, they will think it is a trap. This is when you use your griller badge. Using it sends a beacon to whoever you’re speaking with that tells them that you are not a bad person.

Step 4: go outside and prepare the grill! Make sure you have everything ready to grill.

Step 5: enjoy a nice grilled meal with your enemies. By the end of this guide you should have eradicated all your enemies in the best way possible- using griller tactics!

It’s going to be hard to read this image, use this link instead and zoom in!