dear diary...

My girlfriend is laughing in the shower. She has her phone on two yellow holders that are meant to be holding our razors, but they now hold our phones. She laughed at something on her phone, and she couldn’t see me, but I laughed too. I love her laugh. She dropped the bar of soap she’s using, twice, this is a normal occurrence. I’m writing a reflection for my Master’s program. We’re getting a dog next week. Some people would dream of having this with someone. I wish we didn’t fight so much. I wish the people around us before didn’t make it so hard for us to get each other, to show each other how much we love each other. These simple moments make me feel lucky. After she’s done in the shower, we will watch a movie. I’ll tell her to come to bed, and we’ll sleep. I hope we keep letting go of the things that keep us from the gratitude of what we have and who we have it with. We are my favorite thing that I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing.

i'm sure they would regrow. i couldn't imagine never thinking about you again, no matter who we are to each other.

i would be bitter too. i know i would be because i was too.

i wish we could’ve stayed in that moment forever.

i love looking at the stars, but more importantly, i like to look at you looking at the stars. your childlike gaze makes my inner child feel safe enough to come out, even after everything.

i think i know i love her because i sit and fantasize about what she will look like when we’re 50, 60, 70, even 80, if we’re lucky enough to get that far. i think i know i really do love her because i can’t wait to look back on our times together as 20 something’s and feel content at the life that we had lived. i would sit there, at the kitchen table, or on the porch, affectionately outlining the wrinkles by her eyes, and mouth, and forehead. I would sit there and look at her and wish that there were other lives after this one, just so that i could do it all over again.

i can't stop letting what they did affect me and it makes me feel crazy. it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. when i talk sometimes, it feels like some other part of me is doing the talking and i'm simply there watching it happen, like a bystander. but that makes me sound so helpless, like I have no control over my actions. I know that I do, but I feel like it pours out of me. I can't stop myself once I start, I just want to ruin it. If i start it i should just finish it right? i wish i wouldn't feel this way. i wish i could undo all that has been done to me.

-and this is what has made me believe that i am not too much.

as we look at each other all i can think is: “i wish i felt good enough for you.”

maybe that’s what i’ve been all along.

you’re it for me.