A Fallen Diary

Or how to write believable bar and nightclub scenes. I often find myself helping friends with their WIPs and often it as a bartender, I find myself having to correct them on bar and mixology terminology. So here's my quick guide to keeping your lingo on the straight and narrow.

Terminology

DASH/SPLASH: a drop of a mixer such as juice or flavouring.

MIXER: non alcholic beveraged served with the measure of alcohol in the same glass.

NEAT: Plain, without any addition of ice or a mixture. Just the alcohol.

ON THE ROCKS: Served over Ice.

STRAIGHT UP: The cocktail is chilled with ice and strained into a glass with no ice

DIRTY – if somebody asks for a dirty martini, you add olive juice, the more juice the dirtier it is

DRY- A dry martini includes a drop of vermouth and an extra dry martini contains a drop of scotch swirled in the glass and drained before adding the gin

BACK – a ‘back’ is a drink that accompanies an alcholic beverage such as water or Coke, but isn't mixed.

GARNISH – something added to a drink such as a lime or lemon or orange.

TWIST - a twist is literally a twist of fruit skin in the drink.

BITTERS – a herbal alcoholic blend added to cocktails.

RIMMED - the glass is coated in salt or sugar to enhance the taste.

VIRGIN- non alcoholic

MOCKTAIL- a virgin cocktail

DOUBLE - Two measures of the same alcohol in the same glass. A bartender can only legally serve a double in the same glass. They cannot serve you a triple.

Equipment

COCKTAIL SHAKER - it is a metal cup that fits into a glass, used to shake the components of your drink together with ice to chill it.

STRAINER- used to seperate ice in the shaker from the liquid within as you pour it into the glass.

MEASURES- these are little metal cylinders meant to measure out the pours of the alcohol. You pour the alcohol from the bottle into the measure and then put it into the glass. It's imperative that the right measure goes into the glass or the drink will taste of shit.

BAR SPOON – a long spoon meant to mix the drink.

OPTIC- it is a mechanism that attaches a bottle to an automatic pourer. The bartender usually fits the glass under the spout and pushes up to release the amount which cuts off at the single measure.

SHOT GLASS- a shot glass is a small glass to contain one measure

PINT GLASS- a glass used for serving pints of lager or ale

HALF PINT GLASS - a tulip shaped glass half the measure of a pint glass

SPEEDWELL/TAPS/DRAFT: are the taps used to pour beer from kegs stored under the bar floor.

SLIM JIM/HIGH BALL GLASS- It is a tall straight holding 8 to 12 ounces and used for cocktails served on the rocks such as a Gin and Tonic.

ROCKS GLASS - or an old fashioned glass, it is short and round. These glasses are used for drinks such as Old Fashioneds or Sazerac

COUPE GLASS- Are broad round stemmed glasses used for cocktails that are chill and served without ice such as a Manhattan, Boulevardier or a Gimlet

MARTINI GLASS - a martini glass is that classic stemmed "v" shaped glass, used to serve drinks without mixers such as Martini and Cosmopolitans

MARGARITA GLASS - is a large, round bowl like glass with a broad and a tall stem used for Margaritas and Daiquiris

HURRICANE GLASS- a tall tulip-like shaped glass with a flared rim and short stem. It holds 20 ounces which means it is the perfect glass to serve iced cocktails in such as Pina Colada, Singapore Sling, Hurricane

Alcoholic Drinks

Vodka- Vodka is made from potatoes or fermented cereal grains. It has a strong taste and scent. It is usually consumed neat with a mixer such as Coke or Orange juice or cranberry juice or in cocktails like Martini, Bloody Mary and Cosmopolitan.

Whisky/Whiskey- Whiskey is a distilled alcoholic beverage, made from fermented grain mash such as barley, corn, rye, and wheat. It gets its flavour form being fermented in casks for long period of time. When serving a whiskey, one asks whether they want ice or a mixer. Everyone has their own preference. I prefer mine like myself, strong and Irish. Scotch is Scottish Brewed whisky.

Rum- Rum is made by fermenting and distilling sugarcane molasses/juice. It is aged in oak barrels. It has a sweet taste.

Beer: is made out of cereal grains and served chilled in bottles or pulled from taps/speedwells.

Ale: Ale in the middle ages referred to beer brewed without hops (a kind of flowering plant that gives beer its bitter taste). It is sweeter and would typically have a fruity aftertaste.

Stout- is a darker beer sometimes brewed from roasted malt, coming in a sweet version and dry version, the most famous stout being Guinness.

Poitín- (pronounced as pot-cheen) is made from cereals, grain, whey, sugar beet, molasses and potatoes. It is a Dangerous Drink (honestly i still don't know how I ended up in that field with a traffic cone and a Shetland pony) and technically illegal. Country folk in Ireland used to brew it in secrets in stills hidden on their land.

Vermouth: Is made from infused with roots, barks, flowers, seeds, herbs, spices, brandy but vermouth is classed aromatized wine. It comes sweet or dry

Gin- is made from juniper, coriander, citrus peel, cinnamon, almond or liquorice and grain alcohol. Gin has a strong scent and taste and is usually served in a martini or a tonic water.

Schnapps- refers to any strong, clear alcoholic beverage. It is considered one of the best types of spirits because of its pure and delicate aroma. Lesson: never drink peach schnapps.

Cocktails and Drinks

Irish Coffee: an Irish coffee is adding whiskey to coffee and sugar and topping it with cream. As a bartender, I would honestly rather cut my arm off than make one of these.

Baby Guinness: Is a shot made by pouting Tia Maria or Kaluah into a shot glass and spreading Baileys on the top so it looks like a small pint of Guinness.

Silver Bullet: a shot of mixed tequila and sambuca.

Long Island Iced Tea:  The Long Island contains vodka, gin, tequila, light rum, lemon juice, triple sec and cola. It has a real kick.

Mai Tai: is made with light and dark rum, lime juice, orange curacao, orgeat syrup and rock candy syrup and served with a mint garnish.

Manhattan: The Manhattan is made with rye whiskey, sweet vermouth and bitters.

Margarita: The margarita is made with tequila, cointreau and lime juice.

Mojito: a mojito is made with muddled mint, white rum, lime juice, simple syrup and soda.

Martini: a martini is made of gin, dry vermouth and garnished with a lemon twist or olives.

Mimosa: a mimosa is a made with sparkling wine and orange juice.

Mint Julep: Made with Kentucky bourbon, simple syrup, mint leaves and crushed ice

Pina Colada: is made with white rum, dark rum, pineapple juice and coconut cream

Screwdriver: Vodka and Orange juice

Tequila Sunrise: tequila, orange juice and grenadine

Tom Collins: made with spiked lemonade, sparkling water, lemon juice, simple syrup and gin

Whiskey Sour: is made with powdered sugar, seltzer, lemon juice and whiskey.

White Russian: made with vodka, coffee liqueur and cream.

Black Russian: made with two parts coffee liqueur and five parts vodka.

Gin and Tonic: gin served with tonic water

Bloody Mary: made with vodka and tomato juice mixed with lemon juice, hot sauce, Worcestershire sauce, horseradish, fresh herbs, brown sugar and cracked black pepper.

Brandy Alexander: served straight up and made with brandy, cognac, creme de cacao and cream

Cosmopolitan: Made with citrus vodka, Cointreau, cranberry juice and fresh lime juice

Daiquiri: made with rum, lime juice and sugar.

Gimlet: gin and lime juice

My Top 10 Bartending Rules and Responsibilities

Overpouring is never an option. You can seriously hurt somebody by overpouring, not to mention spoil the drink and ruin your sales. You only serve people what they ask and never more.

When somebody has had enough, you stop serving them. After a while, you know when to cut somebody off.

Never leave bottles on the counter or in reach of customers. Your expensive spirits should never be in reach of anybody but you.

If you tell somebody your selling them premium and top shelf alcohol, you cannot substitute with cheaper licqor. It's illegal.

As a bartender, your eyes always have to be scanning a crowd. You can't leave people hanging.

The golden rule - if you see somebody messing with someone's drink, you chuck it if you can or warn the person. And you get that son of a bitch out of your pub.

50% of the job is cleaning. You have to clean your tools constantly. You cannot reuse measures and spouts, you have to wash everything. Beer traps are clean out every night, rubber mats are washed and anything you have used has to be clean.

You have to hand dry your glasses. You never polish a pint glass as it fucks up the pint. You polish your cocktail glasses, shot glasses and straight glasses.

If someone seems down or on their own, you try make conversation. Often you'll hear some disturbing stuff but always try lend an ear or make everyone feel included.

Before we dive into the glamour and destruction of a pirate’s life, it’s important to establish and difference between the crews who operated the seven seas in the 1700s. 

PIRATES

A group of men who robbed and plundered the sea, but also committed felonies, robberies and murders in any haven, river or creek where the Lord High Admiral had jurisdiction. 

The Lord High of Admiral = The ceremonial head of the Royal Navy (also known as someone who appears to be in charge, but holds very little influence, like most monarchs today) 

Jurisdiction: The official power to make legal decisions and judgements

BUCCANEER

Pirates who preyed on Spanish ships and ports in the Caribbean Sea. To Spain, they were nothing more than ordinary pirates, but for their nations, they were much more than that. 

Spain strived to keep all their possessions from the rest of the world, and the rise of buccaneers came apparent when the English occupied Jamaica, which provided them with a base to attack Spanish settlements. 

CORSAIRS

Pirates (and privateers) who operated in North Africa. Their base primarily in the ports of Salé, Rabat, Algiers, Tunis, and Tripoli.

(also referred to as: barbary pirates, barbary corsairs or ottoman corsairs)

PRIVATEER

An armed vessel, consisting of a commander and his crew, who was licensed to attack, seize and loot ships of hostile nations. 

The license was issued in form of a document, which was called the Letter of Marque (and Reprisal, LOMAR for short). The letter was written in ponderous legal phrases, and decorated with an elaborate pen and ink flourishes. 

The Captain, or commander, of the ship, was expected to keep a journal, as well as hand over ships to the Admiralty court to be assessed and valued. A proportion of the ship’s value went to the sovereign, while the rest was divided between the owners of the ship, the captain, and his crew.

Admiralty court: jurisdiction over maritime law, including cases regarding shipping, ocean, and sea laws

Sovereign: king, queen, or other royal ruler of a country

An authorized privateer, and get this, was recognized by law, and could not be prosecuted for piracy, which in turn caused the system to be wide open for abuse, and most privateers were nothing more than licensed pirates.

Privateers, in simpler words, were basically pirates with papers. They were hired to carry out military activities, and in many ways, their actions mirrored a pirate’s, only difference being, they couldn’t be prosecuted for the crimes they committed. 

Also, fun fact! In the 1700s, also known as the golden era of piracy, 98% of the men operating as pirates in the Caribbean and western Atlantic, had formerly either been seamen in the merchant service, the Royal Navy, or even served as privateers. 

Not every man suffered the same fate, however. Captain Woodes Rogers, a former privateer, became the first Royal Governor over the Bahamas, and was tasked with the dangerous mission of establishing a well-organized government, that would force every last pirate in the Nassau to surrender. [x]

I do indeed have on Patreon, but I also have one here on Tumblr! It’s the ‘More Stories’ link at the bottom of each of my story posts. That will take you to my Masterlist Masterlist, which has links to all the genre Masterlist because Tumblr is dumb and only allows 250 links per post.

Here’s a handy link to it!

Or if you prefer,

Supporting evidence:

1. Humans say ‘ow’, even if they haven’t actually been hurt. It’s just a thing they say when they think they might have been hurt, but aren’t sure yet.

2. Humans collect shiny things and decorate their bodies and nests with them. The shinier the better, although each individual has a unique taste for style and colouring

3. Humans are not an aquatic or even amphibious species, but they flock to bodies of water simply to play in it. They can’t even hold their breath all that long; they just love to splash!

4. When night falls and the sky goes dark, humans become drowsy and begin to cocoon themselves in soft, fluffy bedding.

5. Some humans spend time in each other’s nests! Just for fun! It’s not their nest; they’re just visiting each other.

6. Some humans use pigments and dyes to make their bodies flashy and colourful! They even attach shiny dangly bits to their cartalidgous membranes!

7. Humans are very clever, and sometimes adopt creatures from other species into their family units. They don’t seem to notice the obvious differences, and often raise them alongside their own young!

8. If a human sees another creature in distress, they can commonly be observed trying to help! Even at their own risk, most humans are deeply compassionate creatures!

9. If a human hears a particularity catchy sound or tune, it will often mimic it, even to the point of annoying themselves!

10. Sneezes are entirely involuntary, and completely adorable. Especially when the human in question becomes frustrated

11. Humans love treats!!! Some more than others. Many humans will save these treats specifically for a later date when they are in need of comfort or reassurance. IE, pickles, pop tarts, Popsicles, etc

Case in point, look at all these different things that are dragons:

White unicorns are overrepresented in media, but unicorns can be any color. Winged unicorns are not as popular but are just as qualified. Look at this powerful, oxlike winged unicorn from the Apadana in Iran next to its fellow winged unicorn Twilight Sparkle.

Unicorns do generally seem to be ungulates. Which raises the question: is any one-horned ungulate a unicorn? How about a rhinoceros? Some rhinos have a single horn. The scientific name of the Indian rhinoceros is even Rhinoceros unicornis. Since unicorn literally just means “one horn,” I think a rhinoceros with a single horn is definitely a unicorn, and therefore the extinct elasmotherium is a unicorn.

Qilin (麒麟) may or may not be ungulates but they are often considered unicorns despite being very scaly. And since term “unicorn” does literally just mean “one horn” … why stop there ……. if unicorns can be scaly, huge, and extinct, is centrosaurus a unicorn? I think centrosaurus can be a unicorn if it wants to be a unicorn. It may not have hooves, but some qilin don’t have hooves, either.

Fuck it, you know what? Unicorn.

Just thinking about people making year-end summaries of their accomplishments and also about reasons to keep yourself alive through the next year. Sorry, it’s a bit of a sappy comic.

The international chain of smack talk!