One time I questioned saying I love you. Due to someone telling me "I love you is not what they need to hear, because they know you love them" imagine that I didn't...The things that come from the mouths of people who are supposed to be more "in the kids best interest". Someday you will know another side to the story, or maybe you won't. It's unfair that I get an edited version of you. Tell me that you hate me, how do you really feel? It's okay to be angry.

Some things I learned from getting sober and taking care of my mental health. We can't go back and fix everything that has been done. You can't feel shame and apologize for everything you have done in life. If your apology is not accepted then it's time to move on. Not everyone is going to give you another chance and not everyone has the ability to see you in a new light no matter how far you have come. My life was going in circles because I relied on being accepted or forgiven and when I wasn't I went back on another binge self doubt shame alcohol and eventually rage. I had to relearn a lot. And part of relearning how to be a decent human being was accepting that not everyone is going to accept me. You lose a lot in addiction but you have to understand that there are things you can't control or get back. Im learning to let go and have faith that someday they will see how far I have come. And yes it's hard. But I have to find ways to not get back into the circle. Because I have come so far. I'm seeing everything with new eyes and new ears certain things and words used to trigger me, but now they don't . My heart is more open to accept love and to give it, even though that has been a hard one its happening. Most of us don't make it out of this situation a lot of us die or end up hating the world and getting worse. Not me I am learning how to love, the good the bad and the ugly. Even if they don't love me.

Does the time machine take you back and you get to keep all the knowledge you have today? Or does it only take you back? I wouldn't go back and redo anything if I didn't have the knowledge and mentality I do today. If I just went back in time and everything from up to this point was erased. I would probably end up in an even worse situation... Having to figure it all out again and be mentally unstable I was a disaster. I don't know just some random randomness. My thoughts are wild 🤔

A year sober and also much more spiritual I guess than last year? I am reading " It didn't start with you" by Mark Wolynn. It's about generational trauma and how to understand and heal from it. Today I messaged my mom who I have a relationship with, but it's not a normal healthy one. And I told her that I was sorry on my behalf for making anything difficult for her as I was growing up. I felt lighter owning my part in anything. I used to be so mad at her and blame her for my actions but my actions were mine! Maybe she didn't protect me as a child or wasn't the best mom, but I have a choice in how I reacted to situations. Even as an adult I would blame her for all my shit. I have learned so much about a lot of things over this year not just about myself but about life, and how to be a decent human being. So Felicidades to all of you who have made it this far or who are just still sober even if it's day one! We got this guys! 🥳🎉

I think my year mark is coming up here pretty soon 🥳 Before I don't think I would have thought I would have made it this far " I always found a way or reason to weasel my way out of being sober" But this time I feel a bit more mature about my choice. I've had so many reasons or excuses that I used to use to drink this year but I held on. Sometimes with hands shaking from the amount of anxiety of a situation or tears falling because I lost close friends or family, or just having a hard day. I'm learning to be ok with feeling, and especially crying 🤢 I can't stand it when people see me crying 😂. But here I am feeling my feelings instead of escaping them, and I am ok with it. I'm starting to soften up a bit. I used to think that made me weak. But my whole view on life has completely changed over this last year. I may have said this before but I feel completely renewed. Or like I am finally becoming who I was meant to be, even if it has come a bit late in life. Better late than never. So I am excited about this one year celebration. And I am excited about this life with new eyes and seeing everything in a different light. I hope you all are having a lovely day. Thank you if you took the time to read on about my thoughts.

Nine years ago today I lost my children, I lost my pride and a lot of my sanity. Nine years ago I was unable to admit that I was powerless over my addiction and my life had indeed become unmanageable. My kids weren't abused or starving, we had the nice house clean clothes food in the fridge. They had nice things and went to nice places. The only thing they didn't have was me. I failed them, I held onto toxic relationships and toxic behavior thinking I was being a "nice" person. But all I was doing was digging myself into a deeper hole that I would either die in or have to slowly drag myself out of and fight for my life. I decided to fight for my life because here I am alive today. The journey has been extremely rough and not perfect. I have fallen several times trying to get to where I am today. But I didn't give up. I'm learning every day how to live with who I was before and the bad things I have done in my past. I have days where I struggle to be proud of how far I have come, But they say I will get there eventually. The only people I care about being forgiven by are my children. I can imagine how much they have been through. It breaks my heart to know that I caused it. Knowing that I can't take back their pain. I try to be there for them but I feel like I am completely failing. And I get nasty comments about how I am supporting them in the wrong ways by accepting them for who they are. So I find myself distancing from them as to not cause any "further damage" How can you be a supportive mother without accepting your child for whoever they are? I don't know. No matter how far I have come I think there is always going to be someone negative around saying or making me believe I'm doing it all wrong. I'm trying to surround myself with positive energy and positive people. That's my only way of fighting and lighting up the darkness. I have to be open and honest, I have to let it all out to set myself free from my pain. So here we are. I am fighting to be the light. I was good at being dark and cold. Opening up about who I was and being truthful with myself and whoever reads this, is guiding me to my best self.