On the hunt

And on the 7th day....Pilates. no shoes required

My father used to say that all the time. When I was very young, and he was still my hero, I thought it was beautiful and sage wisdom. When you want to put something behind you, you consider it to be like “water under the bridge” flowing past swiftly and surely, can’t catch it, can’t hold it, so you might as well let it go. It’s a lovely idea, but I don’t see it that way anymore. Life doesn’t really work that way.That water flowing past, well you might not be able to stop it or hold it in place, but you see, it leaves terrible scars as it scores the sides and the bottom of the river. The man that used to say that all the time has gone through and failed at more businesses than I care to mention, several personal bankruptcies, several failed marriages, another failed attempt at parenting (I haven’t spoken to the man in about a decade) and obviously didn’t make any great success out of grand parenting. I see now that my father’s ‘wisdom’ was just another one of his “cop outs.”  Another surrender of responsibility, to me and the rest of his family and pretty much any obligation he ever was assigned to.

 The second chances “water under the bridge” model is promoted readily by cheerful, well intentioned self-help influencers. The internet abounds with cheery “starting over” quotes. We should daily forgive our past and forgive each other and blah blah blah. That’s all nice and good, and I acknowledge that there is an appropriate time and place for that. But I would also like to argue that if we live in a constant state of: “the here and now does not count, because I can start over tomorrow” then there is a lack of accountability for the moment, and a resulting lack of responsibility and earnestness that what we do and what we say to ourselves and each other doesn’t really count, because there will always be the proverbial “do over.”

 I reject that model. I’d like to live my life like I don’t have a do over. Because it has been my direct experience that those that live that way get away with a whole lot of shit. I’d like to think that I what I do on a daily basis matters.The choices I make for my self, physically and emotionally matter. The choices I make in my day-to-day dealings with those I love and care for MATTER… a lot!  I relish the deep sense of gravitas I feel when its something as simple as choosing to take the stairs rather than the lift, or carefully curating my tone of voice when my son calls me and tells me he stacked his car…again. It matters whether I eat a gewy, sugary, carby cinnamon bun filled with transfat, or a instead a breakfast of exactly 24 of almonds with a smattering of blueberries and a sprinkling of toasted unsweetened coconut. Yep, I am a Lowcarber for life! You know that it matters! We all know that it matters!

 Every single thing, every day, matters. Yes it does. If we live as if it doesn’t than what is the point? That is where the couch comes in. When I feel that it doesn’t matter, when the big bad doubt creeps in, well then there is no reason not to relinquish myself to the couch and a pair of old sweatpants. My family matters, and I matter and the world around me matters. My legacy to my children and grandchildren, matters. Just as my father’s legacy to me mattered, no matter how it inversely affected me. Just thinking about it gives me a rush of empowering endorphins.  

Just ONE DAMN THING. It is so easy to be totally overwhelmed by all of the myriad things we could be doing differently in our lives, for our physical selves  or our spiritual selves, for our homes, for our environment, for our world……aahhhhh!! There see how I did that, totally overwhelmed in one introductory sentence!

Of course it’s impossible to tackle, completely insurmountable, so there is no other next step possible after considering the possibilities other than the obvious nevermind. And we slide right into a version of Scarlet O’Hara “maybe I’ll think about that tomorrow.” Jeez, I’ve got so much that needs fixing; who doesn't’? But I find that if I just do one thing differently, just one damn thing differently, there is a shift in my universe, a cosmic ripple that occurs, and I unlock a wellspring of endorphins, that make my whole world seem brighter and lighter. And maybe I haven’t transformed myself into the younger, taller, thinner ideal I relentlessly chase, I have absolutely shifted the weight of my universe just enough to feel better, and that is endorphin gold.  

 Choose your own “one damn thing.” Keep it simple and doable and see what happens, kind of a “what the hell?” approach. Maybe just don’t have that second glass of wine then see what happens? Maybe call your old best friend who you haven’t spoken to in 2 years because of something really stupid and regrettable and now your pride won’t let you?! Maybe clean out one drawer, one teeny tiny drawer. Just do this one damn thing. Just put one of those vitamins that’s been sitting on the shelf in your cupboard for the past six months in your mouth, go ahead just put the damn thing in your mouth and wash it down with some water. Of course, it is easy to conclude that the goal here is to then encounter a rush of wondrous and expansive energy and total transformation. Wrong. Though if that were to occur, it’d be nice. But really if you can make a small change and stick with it, and then another etc. it will be life changing, you will see. Or not, maybe it will just be day changing, and maybe that’s enough for now. Maybe that is what is needed most.

 The thing is, inertia is contagious and reproduces itself exponentially. You gotta nip that shit in the bud. I have seen people close to me drown, sputter and choke in it. And it has been the best most effective bad example I could ever be gifted with. To watch an individual filled with good health and potential, turn a minute into a week into a year into decades of waste and sloth, which then became irreversible. When I can see that just one small action taken, then turned into a habit can create a major shift in mental and physical health. That overcrowded junk drawer can swiftly become a closet and then a room and next a house, just as minutes can become decades.  

 So take a chance, and choose your one damn thing today. Just get up and go do it. Right now! I DARE you to come back to me and tell me it didn’t make you feel good. If you get 5 minutes of …”gee that felt good” today.  You just might go for another drawer, and 5 minutes more. And maybe not, but you’ve changed right now, this moment, today in a profound way. Not a bad addiction.

 Go on….just one damn thing.