Darling - Chapter 5
“Darling”
This song just keeps giving. I feel it every time. I wrote this with a huge ache in my gut; the kind of ache that you can’t stop thinking about day after day. In that month I heard that friends had lost their children. I grieved for them. I couldn’t get over the injustice. I couldn’t get past the unrelenting vacancy and helplessness that must have been in their hearts.
Loss. There’s just nothing to remedy it. It’s one of those things you fall asleep with, only to wake up to the next day. You get through that day just so you can sleep again, if you can sleep. There’s no escaping, no fixing. We live our lives trying to stop feeling the pain of loss. It seems only the impossible can make things right again. We have despair. We carry an emptiness that nothing can fill when we can’t get back what we once had. Where’s justice? Where’s comfort? Nothing can replace what we’ve lost. We cannot stop ache. It doesn’t go away, so we grieve.
How can I find any hope in this place? My joy has been taken from me and my strength to be. What’s the point of living in this condition? Is heaven my only salvation? Is it my only escape? I’m looking for justice. I’m looking for answers. I want there to be reason in my suffering, in our suffering. I want this brokenness to somehow not be in vain. Can it be made right again? Is there redemption?
I realize I am not the only person searching for comfort. I am not alone in my heartache. The world hurts. Everyone loses something or someone. We all know that feeling, whether we’ve grown numb to it or not. I’ve been feeling it. I get it. I grieve. And when the anger has subsided enough for me to see, I see that I am not the only one. We have questions. We feel empty. We only survive. I am not alone in this. I want to reach out to the ones around me. I want to say, “Let’s grieve together. Let’s heal together.”
July 16, 2015
Every morning I wake up and something’s gone. Every night I lay in bed and you’re not there.
I’ve been learning about loss. I’ve been feeling it and harboring it. It’s heavy. I don’t really know how to shake it. I don’t see a way to feel anything without feeling this ache. It’s behind every smile and every stare.
I have become sadness. Sometimes I leave it in my bed, but when I return at night it’s there to meet me and I can’t shake it. I can’t shake the feeling that something is missing and sorrow has replaced it. I can’t laugh without feeling you, Sadness. I can’t handle a compliment or anything resembling love, because I can’t feel joy without remembering. Remembering makes me feel and feeling reminds me of what was, of what’s gone. Feeling hurts too much right now. I prefer being numb. I prefer control.
I look down at the stones and I want to be them. They can’t feel the pain of beauty ripped away, because there is none to take. They are strong. They are safe.
Do not touch me or I’ll crumble; I won’t feel safe scattered on the ground. In this moment I rather not feel anything. I rather shut it all out. I rather be stone.
Here is a little snippet from “Valitus” the book. This is written to go alongside “Darling” one of the songs on the record. We will be releasing this song next week!
