I'm a cPTSD survivor.
Every single day, for a vast majority of my life, I've been trying to cope this situation; living with complex trauma that has been inflicted on me repeatedly since I was a child. Some days I am able to function relatively well. I can work, I can do grocery shopping, I can even be social for a period of time and smile, laugh and put on a mask, so that no one could ever tell what is going on beneath the surface.
Other days I can't even get out of bed, and I spend all day dwelling in the deepest cellar of my conscious, trying to make sense of all the horror I've been gone through and somehow survived over these past years.
Today is one of those latter days. I couldn't sleep last night because of overthinking and overanalyzing all the past events that I had absolutely no control over, and how I should or shouldn't have done something different in those situations. The overthinking lead to severe flashbacks to episodes that still cripple me to the brink of destruction, and when I finally managed to exhaust myself to sleep, I had vivid nightmares about the very same experiences that I had previously tried to make sense of.
The same old story, in other words.
I woke up in excruciating agony, sweaty and afraid. But most of all I felt alone. Because having cPTSD is very often a life of loneliness, where you're constantly at war. A war that is constantly raging inside your own head, against yourself. And there is no one else there to have your back, especially when the enemy is yourself, your subconscious who is desperately trying to survive, long after the traumatic events occured.
It's not like I don't have support from friends or family either, because I certainly do, and a lot of people are quick to rush to tell me that I can talk to them when I feel like the world is crumbling around me. And I love them for it, and truly appreciate it with all my heart. But how do I even begin to explain how I feel, without dragging them down into a deep abyss of misery that is my mind.
This is not something that is easy to talk about, even to your closest and most trusted friends, and for several reasons. One being "how could they ever relate or even make sense of what I'm telling them?". How does one even begin to explain that you're fighting a never-ending battle against what essentially is yourself. A version of yourself that only exists in your head, and is trying to survive because in your own mind, you're still in danger and you need to be constantly on alert of possible worst case scenarios. Another reason is "How can I possibly burden someone I love and care about with these extremely destructive thoughts and expect them to not be so emotionally affected that it might actually ruin their lives?".
When you have cPTSD your mind constantly tells you that you're at risk of something bad happening. That's your default state of mind. Because you've been repeatedly exposed to so countless traumatic events that you never let your guard down, and letting someone in feels like either a breach in your defences or it make you feel like you are responsible for yet another persons safety or well-being, when you already struggle to take care of yourself to begin with.
I still have a long way to go with my healing process. I've only just taken the first steps on a very long road, and it's full of obstacles, uphill climbing and bottomless pits. And even if I manage to find healthy and productive coping mechanisms, I will never be truly free of these demons. I will only learn how to live with them and find better ways to fend them off on my bad days.
cPTSD and PTSD isn't something you recover from. It's not a sickness that can be eradicated. It is a deep wound, which at best can become a fading, but visible scar. Something you have to carry with you.
But just like visible scars, you can learn to carry it. And without being ashamed of what it reminds of.
And we need to talk about it, because there are thousands upon thousands out there who suffer from PTSD and who don't even know what's "wrong" with them. People whose lives are getting ruined because they don't have the proper tools they need to ride out the storm. People who hurt themselves daily, either physically or mentally, out of shame or in confusion, with self-medication or with razorblades, and thus hurting people close to them in the process. In the worst cases, lives are lost. And it happens more than you'd like to know.
They need to be seen. They need to be heard. They need to be found and they need to be cared for.
You probably know someone with cPTSD or PTSD.
