((Alright, look.
I don’t usually ask anything if you guys.
I try not to overcharge or I feel guilty.
I try not to be an attention whore.
I don’t think I’m very charismatic.
So I just have to say this blatantly.
I’m broke, and I’ve been broke.
I’ve been essential needs broke, and I’m in an environment where online income has been the only thing I can do about it.
For those who may not know me, I’m a young adult (18 years old) trans man CSA survivor with autism, GAD, has a dissociative disorder, and other illnesses I won’t share, but most importantly I’m a person who loves people and wants to get by, and I started on Tumblr when I was 16. I did cringey Undertale audio for fun. People started giving donations and commissioning me. Commissions at that time were about $10 an audio, if they weren’t free (which they were 75% of the time).
I gained a little traction. A lot of love, and a lot of hate.
So much love I Skyped over 200 fans, and got to know them…so much so that I even date a few now. So much that I got the financial support to buy my own laptop so I could record in privacy. My dream.
So much hate that people were tearing me down. I remember getting flooded with anon hate, one time even on my birthday. I remember being delegitimized for my mental illnesses. I’m too glad to be diagnosed now…to have proof. I hate that it has to be like that for people to believe you.
I was recently promised a donation of $1000 (part of my talk with him pictured above), which of course, is a dream. After 4 days of it still pending, I fear this is a scam. It’s what’s driven me to a vulnerable place to want to say all this…! I’m not working at the moment, because I’m in a large area where driving is the only option.
There are no sidewalks, and I tried biking despite that. I’m a bit weak and out of shape. I’m a tiny thing who flipped over my bike on hard stops and almost got hit by cars, stopping and sitting on the grass, I was feeling pathetic every 10th of a mile that I stopped to catch my breath. I rode 2 and a half miles (the most I could force myself to do, knowing the distance back) and was still on the road, not having seen 1 building other than houses on the journey, I had no choice but to bike the distance back and collapse at home.
I’m working on driving, but it’s difficult for me, and my family hardly has initiative to help me with anything, let alone that. My brother and father are of little to no help, and it pains me to think of my mom, who is trying her best to keep it together with only the help I can give. I’ve been told their marriage won’t last, and will be over after my brother and I move out. It’s so hard to take this with all of the mental fuzz that’s constantly plaguing me. I feel like garbage and have anxiety attacks almost every night.
It makes me think of how things used to be…I was suicidal when I was younger, as we all were, huh? I was institutionalized in my freshman year of high school. Every other kid begged to be out of there. I, however, finally got to rest. The doctors were dejected. It was almost Christmas, and I was so tired and depressed, I just wanted to be there so I could have daily meals and time to get uninterrupted sleep, and just focus on school. I was elated while other children were bored. I would sneak a pencil into my room (strictly forbidden on Suicide watch; you might stab yourself or someone else) so I could do my homework, half for fun and half to be ready for when I had to be back in the real world. I only forced myself to be better when I learned that it was the cost of a hotel room to stay there. Heads up—I never got all the way better.
These days, I’ve just graduated high school, and am signing up for college. I’m trying to apply for a disability program to help me with the material. I struggled in school because anxiety and autism to deadlines and pressure are like oil and water—not mixing in the slightest.
Right now, on my gap year, I’m stagnant. I’m gonna push myself to do the only commission on my plate, being bought by a good friend of mine. I just am always left wondering when I’ll ever get a commission again, because I know it could easily be in half a year.
I’m so tired. I remember when I really had a push to keep going. There was a day far in my past when someone gave me $50 because they were suffering from alcoholism, and they told me that they listened to my audios about getting through depression instead of drinking, and that what I was getting was money that was going to be used on alcohol. That made me burst into tears. It was my turn around point. I said to myself at that moment:
“This matters. What I’m doing matters.”
I wanted to never give up. Some people still haven’t given up on me. That’s why I have hope that this won’t fall on deaf ears. I’d make a go fund me or something, but I’ve heard bad things about it. I know that PayPal has always worked for me, and that the Tumblr community can be generous…maybe some people have it worse, but if a few people helped me, I would hopefully have a kickstart to be back on my feet.
I love the fans that I’ve come to know. Some have left, some have stayed, some I love so deeply, and some I wish I knew better. I need help. I feel like we all do, but what I want is just to have money to eat, money to go to school, and money for my future. I have a donate button at the top of my blog…just help if you can and want to, I guess. I feel like this spiel was terribly worded, but I’m just so exhausted. I want the facts out, maybe a true sob story or two because I always feel like I need to legitimize my pain. I’m too honest and blunt and worried. I fear people sending me hate now, that I don’t deserve anything and that I’m playing victim too hard. I’m just trying to be real. The reality is that I’m upset, crying, and fucking hungry and worried about my future. I hope that means something.
I love you all, and I mean that because I sit down with the people who contact me. You are NOT just follower statistics, but names and faces, and hundreds of you KNOW that I love you and MEAN THAT and won’t give up! Thank you for any and all support over the years. Not just if you want to give it now. Thank you. Please consider helping me.))
PLEASE reblog and signal boost this.
titsay
ellievsbear
vaporwave
gummygunk
turnnoffyourmind
andulkaphoto
