365/2018

My dog recently passed away this morning in my arms and I already miss him. I had to write out my entire feelings bc I have no one to tell them to. Rest in Peace Joey March 2008 -October 2018

Until next time.

Day 244 out of 365 (66.85%) I just have to say this. Taking up this free internship has been the most costly, devastating blow to my life right now. It was just a dumb fucking move on my part, and now I have to pay 6 months of my life for something that will never help me get anywhere. 

I still feel like I’m not supposed to be where I am in life. I know that’s obvious, but I also feel like I missed some sort of waking call that other people around me already got. I feel as if I am late or slower in the race, and that upsets me.  It’s a good thing that I can pinpoint why I’ve been feeling so bad about myself, but it feels worse to me because I believe I cannot do anything about it to further improve myself, which I know is untrue.  It’s so hard to describe this feeling that I have. 

I feel like I let loose of my goals and dreams a little bit. I can’t say I have been working on them the past week. I just feel overwhelmed with anxiety and overthinking, thinking about how if these things are even good for me or the correct choice for me.  I’ve already lived my life where things were done and chosen for me without my consent all the time and I hated it. But now that I can do choose those decisions by myself, I feel paralyzed because I just don’t want that same feeling of overwhelming-ness and defeat ruin me. I’m also at that age where every little mistake will count now and deduct years out of me when I’m already supposed to be thinking about the more “adult” things I have to do in my life. 

As an after-note from this trip, I want to learn how to not live in fear and swell this feeling of belonging and happiness. I already miss my grandpa’s always smiling face and laughter, and I want to become like that in the future.

Sorry for the double post, but today I just feel completely powerless over my life. I want to fucking kill myself.

Day 208 of 365 of the age 23 (57%) I haven’t posted for a while and I apologize. The month of February has not been good to me at all. I fell extremely sick on the first week of February and then I fell extremely sick yet again on the third week. So basically, I haven’t worked for half the month, and consequently I didn’t get paid at all for half a month. On top of that, I had to pay medical expenses for medicine and doctor visits, which took approximately $200 more out of my income. In other news, things don’t look at all bright. I had a lunch meeting with one of the employees who worked at the same position as this open job at the internship that I work at. In this meeting she explained to me in person what this job entails and the requirements and whatnot, but the entire time of it she literally gave off this vibe that I shouldn’t apply. She kept talking down to me and constantly told me it’s “not an entry-level job” which I already knew, so when I told her about my experiences back in university and how I did the same exact thing as what the job entailed, she looked super surprised and said bluntly “oh, maybe you do have the experience for this job”. I understand that she wasn’t intentionally trying to make me feel like shit, but being quite honest with you I was a bit offended and it sort of ruined my entire week bc I keep thinking about it and how I do have the necessary skill set to excel at the job, but right off the bat this girl was telling me indirectly that it’s not worth it for me to even apply. She kept bringing up the fact that there will be a job opening soon that’s “geared more towards entry-level” and how only ppl with a business background are encouraged to apply, but quite frankly if that is the case then she shouldn’t even been the position either. She has a teaching background with experience in a nonprofit as a goddamn social media expert and she kept talking about how “oh this person was from consulting and oh the President of our nonprofit is from banking”. Like shit dude, regardless of that bullshit the fact that you have this fucking job means that I have a better chance at it than you, bc you know why? 1.) I have a real estate background 2.) I literally did the same exact shit the job entails for three years when I was just in college, 3.) Im actually Japanese, unlike you. It just makes me furious to put down ppl before you even know what their experiences or skill sets are. Like what the fuck? It bothers me so much to the point where I don’t even want to apply for this job anymore if I’m going to have to work with someone like that. Which brings me to the point that I’m more anxious about: I’m literally back to square one. I don’t have a job prospect anymore, I have a dead end job, and this internship that I’m doing for -FREE- is not going to help me in any shape or form. I feel like I have been wasting my life, my time, my efforts, and there’s nothing I can do to recompense myself for my failure to see this.

171 days of the age 23 (46.8%) I think I’m going to write a post every time my nails grow out lol. It’s an easier and visually helpful way of keeping track of time. I believe what truly stopped me from attacking my goals last year, besides money being the primary issue, was that I didn’t keep track of where my time was going. Just like how people don’t keep in track where their money is going, I didn’t keep in track of where my time was going: consequently, I let a whole year pass by me working at my current job even though I told myself that this job was only there to help support myself while I use my time wisely to find a career. That was then but not anymore fam. These posts help me keep track of where my efforts are in life and if I keep them updated routinely and consistently, I believe I can sail my way through my life in the way that I want it. With that being said, there has been some good and bad news. The bad news is that things are actually getting worse at my current job. Ever since there’s been a shift in management and a lower pay rate/less shifts, workers have become lazy. Food is made late, servers don’t show up to their shifts, food and plates are dropped and destroyed always, Hell, even the MANAGER doesn’t show up to the shift. Unbelievable. I would like to be upset at the situation but it’s really of no use. I knew this situation was going to happen and frankly, because of how the management is set up, I have absolutely no say to what can be changed. No matter how much of a great server I can be, it’s not reflected in my pay, it’s not reflected in the managements eyes, and it’s not reflected in anywhere else. What’s the use of I work harder but then get less pay for it? So I have decided that staying at this job is just going to end up with me losing money, so I decided to find another part time. As I found another part time job, I began to reflect on my work and effort at O____ and how I can use those reflections to better myself in this other part time. One thing that came out of my experiences is that I don’t really get mad at when things go wrong anymore. I can take this as either a good thing or a bad thing: it’s a very good thing for me because I learned how not to get explosive and stressed out bc things don’t go smoothly, but I also think it’s a bad thing bc now it seems like I care less about the bad things that’s been increasingly happening in my workplace and there’s no one who can fix those problems as well. As I begin my other part time job, my goal is to really learn how not to be stressed out and upset about these things that are now obviously out of my control. Sure, I think it’s valid that I want to work in a work environment where everyone is doing their jobs properly and efficiently and are not lazy nor tardy, but that’s never going to happen in any work place I feel like. I also think it’s my job to report to the management when things like this happen, but if the management doesn’t do anything to help change the environment, then that’s something wrong with the people I work with and I cannot change that no matter how much of a good worker I am. It frustrating to work in that kind of environment but frankly there’s nothing left that I can do. Not only that, but this shit is going to happen over and over and over again no matter where I work. It’s just something that I have to learn in order to grow, which is the sad part. But now that I have that clear goal in my head, I am going to act upon it in my new part time and maybe tackle it yet again while I’m still here in my other current job.

This means I have only have $73.87/MONTH for all other expenses, which is for food, going out with friends, etc.  I don’t know how I can survive on this right now but it’s not something I never experienced. I just rather not have to deal with it.  Such a predicament.

Happy New Years!!!! Day 149 of the age 23 (40%) New Years post [what day of the age 23] New Years is in the new 24 hours and I would like to take this time to reflect on what I did this past year, month by month, to see how much I improved and did not improve in my life. January: I decided to quit being a hostess to become a server instead for more money at my current job. Nothing else really happened. February: I don’t really remember anything good or bad specifically in this month. I just kept working. March: I spent most of this month in Japan with my bf and my family. It was very memorable and fun. Also quit my past job finally. April: Nothing really noteworthy happened. May: Nothing really noteworthy happened. June: Nothing really noteworthy happened. I do think however, that this was around the time that I started thinking that I hate my job and that I needed a new one. July: Nothing again. Just hustling for money at this point. August: Two important things happened. One, I paid to take an art intensive with Steve Ahn, which was one of the best decisions I have made in my life. Two, I also paid to take part in a dance intensive as well with now one of my favorite choreographers. This one gave me mixed opinions later on bc although I do like her style of dance and choreography, I not only felt as though it was dumbed down and easy, but also that she wasn’t trying her bast to teach us but rather “do the job” September: The continuation of the two above. This was also around the time the management at work started to become increasingly unfair to employees due to budget cuts and minimum wage increases. October: The continuation of dance and art intensives. In addition to those, I started to apply to a lot of jobs online. What was different from my past job search was that I was no longer interested in working in labor/retail jobs like the ones I was/am working in. This was good bc now I decided to search for something out of my self-worth and interests rather than something for money and out of desperation. November: Job search from the past month all failed and I become extremely frustrated at myself for not achieving my dreams sooner. One good thing that came out of this month however was my ability to invest in crypto currency. I bought in early enough to make sometimes 100% return of my investments already, which is a great thing. I was relieved that I didn’t have to rely on my job anymore for extra income. This was also the time when I read books from the library about financial literacy. Probably one of the best decisions I have ever done this year, if not my life. It changed my perception of money and how it works. December: A continuation of my journey into financial literacy now. Not too upset at work anymore bc although it’s the same shitty management that want to reduce and cut ppl’s hours, after reading “rich dad poor dad” completely, I understand why conditions have to be shitty. Still working on dance and art, this time on my own time. An unpaid internship called back and said they wanted to hire me so I accepted for their position in January. Reflection: I have only really begun to work on my life after maybe July. It took me more than half a year to start looking into myself and see what I wanted to do and what I wanted to improve. That’s pretty bad oTL My reason that this occur is bc I was fresh out of college and by the time December rolled over into January I had literally $1k in my savings account. At that moment of my life I desperately wanted to find a job to start putting money back into my savings, but in doing so I optioned into doing retail/labor jobs which though both give me money, does not do anything to help further my career or interests in life. So far my savings have gone up to $20k since last year, which I am very proud of. I have so far invested half of that money into crypto and now I have to wait for returns. I should have not waited until the end of July to start thinking about my life and career, but hey I guess it’s better late than never right? During those 7 months I could have definitely used that time wisely to learn, educate, and better myself, but I’m pretty sure I used that time to drown in my sorrows by playing od amounts of league. A good thing that came out of it though is the fact that I don’t really play league anymore, so that’s good. Moving forward: Now that I have much stability in my life, mentality and financially, I think I am now ready to tackle on career choices now. Although I have an internship now, I don’t want to wait until June when the internship ends to start looking for a job. I am also slowly walking away from the stress and drama that comes with my current job working at this busy restaurant in nyc, and it feels good to do so. I am still going to use that extra free time that I might have to further draw and dance.

I will point out how I came to this conclusion. Ever since I graduated from college, I wanted to take a little break from stressing out from working or studying or anything like that. What I didn’t realize however, was that finding and obtaining a job, any job, was so hard that it took me almost half a year (July) to finally secure a minimum wage shit job at Bookoff. Since then, I realized how much of shit place it was while only working there for three months that I started to search for another job and landed my current job in November. This was my first mistake bc instead of searching for ANY job, I should have started to search for a job that related to my interests that was not a labor/retail shit job. I was working there and this other place until February when I went to Japan for the entirety of March. This was my second mistake bc instead of also taking this time to search for opportunities to better myself and my potential career, I looked towards vacationing with money that I should have invested in stock or crypto. If I did, I would have made thousands of dollars already. But vacationing with your entire family is still not bad so I don’t think it was that horrendous to go to Japan at this time. In March, I cut off my ties with Bookoff to work full time at this new job. This was my third mistake bc I could have instead worked part time and use my remainder of my time to again, further my career. And finally this is where it gets worse bc since March, I haven’t really done anything to look for a possible career up until now. In December. I literally had 9 months to even go back to school and do something else but instead I wasted all of that time with an employer that though pays well,

But I guess that’s my job to figure out right? 

11.28.17 Day 115 of the age 23 My last post I was happy that I have finally discovered an easy to buy investments. Now it is time to further my nonexistent career. I have put in some time and thinking into this decision. I chose to go with applying to a vocational graphics design school and get an employment opportunity out of that. It’s something I rather do than what I am doing now. I don’t think I can bear working as a physical therapist or a boring pharmacist even though that was my intention when I went to college. Tbh, I only did it to appease those around me, and although biochemistry is fun and sort of prestigious, I rather much have my hand at something to do with design and art. I hope this is the right decision. I also thought about business and decision making as those are also my strongest points, but I can do that in any aspect of my life not just my job. Above pictures the layout plan I have thought about this past hour. It’s kind of complicated bc if I go to school I can’t make as much money as I used to so if I don’t find a job right after school I’ll be in major trouble.

103rd day of the age 23 (28% of the year) Found one of the breaks in my life that I desperately needed: I finally figured out how to invest my money in stocks. I invested a little in crypto and a little in Stash. I want to put in at least $20,000 in investments by the end of NEXT year so that I don’t have to worry about it for the rest of my life. I’ve read plenty of finance books and the first step that I’ve read was to just get any job that pays and save at least $20k in 8 yrs. Because I still live in my childhood home, my current job (though I hate it more and more each passing day) pays well enough like $50k/yr, and I don’t spend money unless I have to, I have already saved up $15,000 since November of last year. I am planning on dumping ALL of this money into investments but like I said not all at once but within the next year. I figured out that these investments can give me at least 50% profits and if put in enough money AND get money from passive income on top of that, I can’t finally pursue more of my dreams of possibly owning my own apartment and going back to school again but this time for maybe graphic designs or something like that. Thank you so much!

Work is horrible. Relationship is horrible. Job prospects are horrible.  Dancing prospects are horrible. Art prospects are horrible. Hell, even losing 18 out of 20 games of League is horrible.  I’m so done but like I really can’t feel anything anymore. I gave up on my life a long time ago, I’m just still continuing because I gotta. Cause that’s what society is telling me to do. That’s what all the people around me is telling me to do.  I wish I can just die. Last night I had a nightmare that these people would just continuously kill me and two of my friends and I would just respawn just to get horribly murdered again. Over and over and over again to the point where I realized it’s pointless to be scared of dying.  I feel like the reason I’m trying to write this post is to find meaning to this meaningless life. Just one more time. 

Urgh. I’m still in the struggle bus but I have to still keep my head up I guess. I’m already 25% into my life as a 23 year old, and since I’ve turned 23 I think I have come a little way for at least searching for another job. I just don’t know how long this will last.