#3.22.18

For Cat Sigmon

I have been living some of the bleakest hours of my life.

So how could I have expected in the darkness, a smile,

a beautiful person with hands that create, ears that hear, & a mouth that speaks kindness?

I had a really good conversation with my boyfriend today about my eating disorder. I would have really liked for my eating disorder to have never played a role in our relationship, but the reality is that I’m struggling--and being honest is by far the best thing for me to do. 

I talked to him a bit about how I feel sorta like I have two opposing thought processes in my mind. Like if I eat, my ED thoughts make me feel guilty for eating, and if I don’t eat, my recovery thoughts make me feel guilty for not eating. So I just sorta get paralyzed in anxiety between choosing...which usually results in less eating. 

I needed to be really honest with him about how I’m doing right now. Because it is not good. I’ve been really struggling now for like two weeks, and physically I can feel the difference. I’ve slipped into a state of not eating enough, but not actively trying to restrict... which is a shitty place to be bcos I know I’m still not eating enough to maintain (my weight) and it will catch up with me... but it’s hard to actively change. My motivation to stay in recovery is so low right now. I have a fair bit of motivation to not 100% give in and try to get worse, but the state I’ve been living in isn’t adequate. I’m still not fueling my body enough.

I don’t feel like I can turn this around right now. I really don’t feel like I can. I see my therapist next week, and I plan on being honest with her, like I was with S today.

I’m not struggling enough (or for long enough) to warrant treatment, but I also know that if I don’t do anything to make it better that’s exactly where I’m headed, bcos I’ve done this before and I know my body. When I was at my lowest weight, I was eating as I have been the past 2 weeks, that was just after 3 months. My health was shit, and regaining that weight was shit. I did it though, but I don’t want to do it again. 

At the same time, part of my mind is begging me to just let myself struggle. To let myself get worse, and see what happens. That everything is too much right now, and this will give me a break. BUT !!!! I !!!! WANT!!! TO !!! LIVE!!! MY !!! LIFE!!!!