Dutchy

I would die for you.

I would kill for you.

That’s nice…

Would you live for me?

How bout that.

Would you wake up at a decent time and get out of bed?

Would you eat breakfast?

Would you try to drink water?

Would you take care of yourself?

I don’t wanna hear no more of these, “I would die for you”

I want you to live for you

Not because I thought you’d answer

But because for a second I forgot that we don’t do that anymore

I wanted to tell you something small

Something stupid

Something only you would get

And for a moment my brain reached for you

Like muscle memory

Like healing forgot to remind me how much it hurt the last time

Like my heart still thinks maybe this time it would be different

But I didn’t text you

Because I know how that ends

I know that sending one message would only open a door that I’ve worked so hard to close

The wanted to check in but I remembered how much it cost me the last time I tried

How I left that interaction feeling emptier than before I started it

And honestly

I don’t wanna go back to shrinking just to be heard

To hoping for crumbs

And calling it connection…

So I sat with the urge

I let it burn

Let it pass

Because healing

I’ve learned

Isn’t always about feeling better

Sometimes it’s about choosing not to go back to what broke you…

And I miss you

I do…

But I miss me more

The version of me I’m finally starting to recognise again

And that version

And I don’t care how long it’s been

That truth still lives in my body like it never got permission to leave

You didn’t break bones

You didn’t leave bruises anyone else could see

But you chipped away at me until I couldn’t recognise myself anymore

You made the pain feel normal

Made silence feel safer than speaking

You wrapped your avoidance in kindness

So I’d doubt myself every time I’d try to name it

And I did

I doubted myself constantly

I told myself maybe I was overreacting

Too sensitive

Too much

Because that’s what you taught me

That your silence was always my fault

That your distance was punishment for the person I had failed to be

I walked on eggshells until my feet went numb

And still

I tried to be good

To be enough

To fix it

But the truth is you didn’t want me healed

You wanted me afraid of losing you

So I’d never ask for more

And I stayed longer than I should have

Not because I didn’t know it was wrong

But because I was made to believe no one else would love me either

You hurt me

For a long time I carried that hurt like a secret

I wasn’t allowed to speak

But I’m saying it now

You hurt me and I didn’t deserve it

I’m not ashamed of how long it took me leave

Not the - “I’m sorry I hurt you”

Not the - “you didn’t deserve that”

All that I got was silence

And maybe that hurt even worse

Because silence doesn’t close doors

It leaves it cracked just enough for my mind to wander through

I had to build my own closure

Out of broken sentences and questions that

Never got answers

I had to forgive someone who never asked for it

And that kind of feeling…

Doesn’t come quickly

It comes in pieces

It comes every time I chose peace

cause I would have given it all

If you had just gave a small piece

I didn’t need all of you…

I didn’t need you to compromise any piece of you that you weren’t ready to

I didn’t need all or nothing

I was fine with baby steps.

I was fine with slow.

I was fine with even not knowing the things I probably should have cared to know

The things with anyone else I would have cared to know.

And I was fine with it all…

Because all I wanted was you

And if that’s what it took

I’d do what I needed to do

I would have given it all if it meant getting just a piece of you…

And I didn’t give it all

For a piece I got to hold momentarily…

But when you changed your mind and pulled it away you got to keep that piece

And I just lost everything…

I lost trust in myself

And trust in my judgement

I lost hope in happenstance

And hope in forever

If this perfect storm called us couldn’t survive with everything I had to give

How could anything ever…

I didn’t need all of you

I didn’t even need most

I just needed a piece

One that guaranteed you’d at least stay through the storm

I don’t think I ever could…

Not you.

Never you…

Not even after what you did.

Not even after that…

And we could talk

And you could do worse

You really could if you tried

But

I will never hate you

Not you…

“I’m not giving up on you. You’re worth it. I’m going to learn how to love you right, and I’m not going anywhere”,

and for once,

just once,

I just yearn in silence

I beg

in silence

for the love that am told must exist

I don’t want to stay the same

I don’t want to change

I want

To

Be

Better…

I guess I have been writing small poems, in my head

Like little pills

That’ll fix me

And one day

For the first time in a long time

Your face flashed across my feed

And only one thought crossed my mind…

“I’m too busy being yours to fall for someone new”

But god

Which one are you?

I don’t need your apology

But

One day…

I hope you feel guilty for the way you treated me

And for the way you betrayed me

For the way you took my heart and shattered it into a million pieces

The books, the movies, the tv shows, it’s everywhere

But no one can prepare you for the moment you need to ask yourself

“Should you give them another chance?…”

Just maybe…

Love is the most selfless thing you can do

Maybe

Soulmates do exist

Maybe

True love is like a puzzle

Maybe

We need to take time and the end everything works out just right