Shade Fresh From The Oven

Hey anon! If you want to respond to a comment I make on someone else’s post, do it there. Don’t run over here to respond anonymously.

THE BAKE SHEET PRESENTS

7 Easy Tips for the Perfect Modern Celebrity Interview

So you’ve booked a glossy profile and would like to leave readers intrigued, confused, and mildly dizzy. Follow these simple steps and you too can achieve the perfect balance of vulnerability, mystique, and chaotic discourse.

Fans love it when you’re disingenuous!

1. Begin by discussing how unorganized and messy you are.

This will make you relatable. Maybe people will forget about your color-coded binders.

2. Casually reference your boyfriend.

Preferably multiple times. You’re not just someone’s girlfriend. You’re his girlfriend.

3. Explain that you don’t follow fandom discourse.

Then demonstrate a detailed knowledge of extremely niche fandom theories from two years ago that twelve people on Twitter discussed at 3:17 a.m.

4. Claim you’re not a pot-stirrer.

Preferably while wearing your ‘shit stirrer’ tee. Irony is in this season!

5. Remind everyone that you are delightfully immature.

Immediately follow this with commentary on extremely serious global issues. Range is important.

6. Emphasize that you would really prefer people only talk about your work and not your body after appearing on a worldwide hit show known for its nudity.

Bring it up often and be generally repulsed by your fanbase of chubby girls.

7. Insist your boyfriend as an ‘old soul.’

This is an extremely important detail. Readers must understand that while the rest of us are bumbling through modern life, he has the quiet wisdom of a lighthouse keeper from 1892.

Despite the fact that he owns one pair of shoes that likely still have Velcro straps.

*BONUS TIP*

After this article drops, go into those fandom spaces you hate and find out what errors were made.

Book a new article somewhere.

Try again, maybe with even more dirty laundry anecdotes.

The Clown Who Was Definitely Gone

There once was a clown who lived under the street

Who squealed ‘I’ve moved on!’ with the tap of her feet

‘I don’t watch The Big Top, don’t care anymore!

I’m done with that circus, that stage, and that door!’

She sang it to puddles,

She sang it to drains,

She sang it while memorizing

Flight times and trains.

She said ‘I’m too busy! I’m thriving! I’m free!’

While circling blog after blog silently.

She cried ‘I don’t look!’ with a giggle and grin

While peeking through windows to see who came in.

Now children, take note for this part is quite sweet:

When the doors all swung closed, she left her warm seat

Not to go home, nor to get some good rest,

But to stand very still where the line would be best.

‘I’m over it’, whispered the Clown with a sigh,

As she monitored every person who’d try.

She’d sing ‘I’ve moved on!’ with a tremble of cheer

Was she always aware that she instilled fear?

So if someone declares with balloons and a bow

‘I’ve left this whole circus! I don’t even know!’

But you find them at closing, at lights-out, at dawn—

so much misinformation it actually hurts!

i cant believe your are holding on to the pregnancy bullshit cause you cannot accept N and L ARENT TOGETHER. yall fucking weirdos and sick. get a hobby or job and leave N alone!!!!

Oh babe.

This wasn’t very well done thought-out, was it?

First: if you’re going to accuse people of being ‘delusional’, please proofread first. Nothing undermines (un)righteous fury like tripping over your/you’re on the way off your soapbox. I also really appreciated your sporadic interpretation of when capitalization is appropriate.

Now. Let’s talk about hobbies.

On this page, I’ve never made it a secret that I will:

•observe patterns

•comment on them in sometimes silly and hopefully humorous ways

Yours, meanwhile, seems to be:

•monitoring a stranger’s blog and

•being pressed about it

Which is… kinda sad mostly?

You say there’s ‘so much misinformation it hurts’, yet somehow fail to identify a single incorrect fact.

Dates are correct.

Interviews were recorded.

Events happened.

Your objections seems to be that people noticed these things and drew a line between them. That’s not fact-checking. That’s being mad at math. Which is fair, I guess.

Math sucks.

But so do you.

You rail against ‘pregnancy bullshit’, which is impressive considering the post contains zero mentions of pregnancy. None. Not even a crumb. You brought that idea here with you, unpacked it, set it on the table, and then screamed at me for it being there.

That is an outside-the-box creative choice.

Also, this post was not tagged. Not boosted. Not sent to you. It isn’t even my post or my words. For you to see it, you had to come directly to my page. Which suggests your real pastime is less ‘defending celebrities from ….something [*citation needed]’ and more ‘standing outside my kitchen to complain about the smell’.

So…no. This isn’t misinformation. This isn’t obsession. And this certainly isn’t delusion. It’s just you, watching people watch things, and being very upset that they’re enjoying it more than you are.

Anyway, I’ll be here.

Enjoying my hobby.

Feel free to keep enjoying yours I guess.

See you again I’m sure.

The Tale Of The Ginger Of The Brae

On a wind-torn coast where the gulls cry louder than reason, there once lived a Ginger — though not a curl upon his head could prove it.

Aye, bald he was, but fiery still in tongue. And in those gentler seasons, he kept close by his side a creature called Pest.

Pest was small and eager and followed at the Ginger’s heel like a hound at the hunt. The Ginger would speak of Pest often — with fondness, with flourish, with a warmth that made the village nod and say-

‘Aye, there’s devotion there.’

Some even whispered he might love the creature so.

And then, Pest grew bold. Pest wandered from the brae and into brighter halls, where lords and ladies with sharper tongues and heavier purses took notice. They spoke of Pest too — though not in sonnets. Not in the same glowing manner the Ginger once did.

Still, Pest did not seem troubled. For was not the Ginger steady? Was not the fire at home always lit?

But then came the Day of Pest’s Birth — that most sacred of markers in the turning of the year. The village gathered their candles. They waited for the usual odes. The portraits framed in soft light. The honeyed words.

And the wind came.

And the tide rose.

And the Ginger’s hearth stood cold.

No sonnet.

No portrait.

No ember of affection cast into the mist.

Only silence, as thick and cutting as Highland fog.

The villagers drew their cloaks tighter and asked one another in hushed tones-

‘What storm has passed between them?’

‘What oath was broken?’

‘What pride was wounded?’

For the Ginger, once so free with praise, had swallowed his fire whole.

And whether it was jealousy, caution, strategy, or sorrow that stilled his tongue… the villagers didn’t know. There was nothing, only the wind whistling across a polished scalp and through a suspiciously empty purse.

We may never know the truth.

But on certain nights, when the heather bends and the kelpies stir in the loch, the old wives will tell you this-

There are some ghosts who vanish not into mist, but into message boxes unanswered.

i can't with yall. never seen such a delusional group of people................lmao

Aww, boo.

It’s okay if you can’t. No one told you that you had to anything, did they?

Just to recap:

Anon is mad I made a comment.

Anon, meanwhile, is conducting a full forensic analysis of my Tumblr activity.

That’s not tea. That’s lukewarm tap water.

So no answer then? Okay. Well, I’m still throwing you a bone, courtesy of Randy.

Hey anon! If you want to DM me some proof (that I won’t share on here) I will concede. I will start only talking about bagels wearing hats or whatever the fuck it is you guys are into.

If not, I’ll assume you’re full of shit like always.

london, UK > domestic temp job

Seeking Highly Specific Creative Visionary (Hackney)

Accomplished actor seeking long-term collaborator/ personal assistant/ public target with the following elite qualifications:

• Self-identifies as a ‘professional dancer’ but has a brave, avant-garde relationship to tempo

• ‘International model’ whose runway is primarily the balconies and bathrooms of European resorts

• Extensive experience in unpaid editorial shoots where the only facial expression could be described as [insert here] *citation needed

• Deep commitment to the Single Emoji Statement™ as a communication strategy

Must be comfortable with:

• Strategic social media posts during moments of heightened public interest

• Public swimming, public biking, public shopping, and other nose-picking recreational activities conducted within optimal lens proximity (possible invoice pending)

• The belief that timing is a suggestion, not a discipline

• Maintaining main-character energy in someone else’s press cycle

Additional strengths preferred:

• Familiarity with the Delete / Repost / Crop / Repeat method

• Odd and/or off-putting relationship with parents

•An almost heroic aversion to shame

Compensation: