Iāve only known about my system for what it is since January and I can tell you, these are some of the things Iāve thought about and some of the fears that Iāve had.
This video by the Alexandrite System helped immensely.
As contradictory as it may sounds expressing my fears to another alter helped.
He reminded me of all the things that I noted down in my past that made sense through the lens of OSDD and that I couldnāt have gone back in time to fake that.
He encouraged me to back through our journals and read over entries that had complete changes in thoughts or talked about dissociation.
He reminded me that if I were making it up somehow or accidentally faking that I could make him stop talking or make him go away, then stood there waiting for me to try it and pointed out that if I were really so distressed by faking I could stop at any point. But I wasnāt, because I wasnāt faking, and thatās why we were having this conversation again.
He reminded me that, Iām not out irl as being part of a system, I have nothing to gain from faking being part of system, thereās no external motivation or any reason to be faking. I get nothing out of faking being a system, so thereās no reason that I should. So Iām not.
And he reminded me of that video and said āso what?ā So what if Iām wrong or somehow am subconsciously faking? If the talking to him or the others helped me, and I wasnāt causing direct harm to anyone else, and it was all internalized anyway, then so what? It was helping me cope with life and trauma and that was the important thing.
He pointed out that there was no conscious choice to fake, pointed out that misdiagnosis was a different thing, (pointed out that it hurt a little to hear me constantly trying to say he and the others werenāt real,) pointed out that I have no real reason to fake any of it, and finally just said āso what?ā Because at the end of the day, if the coping mechanism for OSDD/DID help you, then thatās whatās important.
Internal Family Systems does a similar thing for singlets, so if the coping mechanism help, then use them. Itās all okay.
(Be careful of IFS as a system though, we tried some of it a while ago and I had alter madder than a wet hen at the language and another in tears because of it. I wonāt say donāt use it at all, but use it with caution and lots of check-ins with other alters.)
As for thinking about how the others will act when they front, Iāve noticed that thatās often meant that theyāre close to the front or some level of co conscious with me. (Iāve also considered that itās a form of scripting for them as weāre autistic.) For example, Iāve noticed that L holds the steering wheel while driving differently than I do, and I think about that on occasion while Iām driving, and might even try holding the steering wheel as he does, just to see how it feels (sometimes as an offer to drive if he wants), but it doesnāt mean that Iām making it up that he does that. It just an observation that Iāve made about him.
Itās really hard not to feel like observing things or noticing things isnāt faking. But allowing yourself to just exist is really so helpful. It can be really hard to do, but itās possible. Itās okay to just exist as you are.