ceo of techno gender envy

he had no use for it anymore.  there was no one left to fight.  the only other name alive belonged to someone he had betrayed moments before.  the man who was better at keeping scar alive throughout this war than scar himself.  the only person whose loyalty and alliance he didn’t scam his way into with pieces of paper, empty promises, coercion, or clocks.

so scar watches the only friend he ever truly had on the server raise his sword before closing his eyes.

Tommyinnit: 2/10

What can be said about Tomathy Careful Danger Kraken Innit that has not already been said? He has the confidence of a lion with the strength of a mouse. He does, however, have an unprecedented amount of luck that keep him alive. Protagonist energy, if you will. -8 points because I think he’d make it through about 3 weeks out of pure stubbornness before rushing headfirst into a fight he was completely unprepared for.

Quackity: 3/10

A nice balance of serious roleplay and shits and giggles. I think Quackity would spend his time fucking with whoever was close enough to hear his autotuned ramblings then turn around and be the angstiest motherfucker on the server. His comedy often comes with recklessness, though. -7 points because I think he’d be too willing to risk a life or two for comedic affect and end up losing more than he realized he had.

Tubbo: 5/10

What Tubbo lacks in any particular Minecraft skills, he makes up for in sheer audacity. The resident wild card of the Dream SMP, I believe being around people who aren’t familiar with his antics would secure him at least a few weeks of being uninterrupted. That is, if he can manage to stay out of everyone’s business for that long. You see, that same moxie that gives him his edge is also his downfall. -5 points because I feel like he wouldn’t go more than a week without sticking his nose somewhere it really didn’t belong.

Wilbur Soot: 6/10

Scar showed us that flattery gets you everywhere. Wilbur is an amazing public speaker and more than capable of worming his way out of situations with nothing but his words. However, I have never seen this man organize a hotbar in his life. I’m not even sure I’ve ever seen him in full armor. -4 points because he has no money to put where his mouth is.

Ranboo: 7/10

Not too shabby at PvP and he’s a big Roleplay guy. Being big on roleplay means most people won’t actively try to kill you if the moment isn’t dramatic enough. -3 points, though, because my streamer is terminally oblivious and would probably waltz face first into a trap if somebody asked him nicely enough.

Nihachu: 8/10

Niki is genuinely a very kind person and I think she’d survive quite a while by amassing allies. That is to say, I don’t think anyone would want to kill her. That is not to say, however, that I don’t think she would want to kill. Niki is clever and fully willing to use that kindness to mask her intentions. -2 points because, though I think she’d make it far through the power of friendship alone, if somebody with too little remorse managed to corner her, she’d be done for.

Technoblade: 9/10

PvP god, a good speaker, and down to play the bad guy, I think they’d love to hate him. He’s like Ranboo and Wilbur combined. Unfortunately, Techno has a history of exploiting game breaking loopholes and has been struck down by the mighty hand of god for the high class crime of being a cheater on multiple occasions. -1 point for his own hubris.

Philza: 10/10

everyone slowly dying out and the world growing more silent? what the fuck

scar being the one to slay the red king? holy shit

the world being all broken, burning, torn apart in contrast to how beautiful it was mere episodes ago? oh my god

scar staying loyal to grian, betraying bdubs, and then offering for grian to take his life instead of a fight? jesus christ

AND GRIAN AND SCAR. WHO WERE TOGETHER FROM DAY ONE. BEING THE LAST ONES STANDING. AND THEN FIGHTING AS THE GHOSTS OF ALL THOSE FALLEN CHEER THEM ON. HOLY FUCKING SHIT?????????

and dont even get me started on grian apologizing to scar the whole time, then scar’s voice cutting out as he dies, grian apologizing to dead air about a million times and then throwing himself off the mountain. DONT EVEN.

Feral things Phil did in SMP Earth I can remember off the top of my head:

1. Dropped an airstrike on the Villiager Adoption agency after saying “Fuck the orphans” while Pete and Techno told him not to

2. Messaged Techno “We must become gods” when asking for an alliance

3. Led the Pilliagers to Tommy’s villagers when they showed up in the middle of negations for the Treaty of the Pit (Notably Techno told him not to)

4. Kidnapped Wilbur’s prized dog, tamed a different dog and made it look like Wilbur’s dog, let Wilbur think it was his dog, then kill the doplganger in front of Wilbur all to teach Wilbur a lesson about fucking with him.

5. Sent an airstrike down in the middle of a crowd during treaty talks because Tommy was annoying him.

6. Dropped an airstrike on Tommy’s base almost immediately after the Treaty of the Pit was signed and the Antarctic Empire was neutral with Tommy

7. Was the first person to point a weapon at Tommy during the initial peace talks after the Battle of the Pit

8. Asked FitMC to nuke Arlus for betraying him and the Antarctic Empire during the Saint-Malo trials and gave Fit the materials to make the nukes (End Crystals)

9. Stole 50 diamonds as revenge for Tommy rigging his Casino and having TimeDeo steal from Icebomb

10. Swooped out of the sky and one-shot Wilbur when Wilbur tried to run away with the Dragon Egg

Piglins are only pink when dead. Technoblade also "never dies". He's always making regen and healing potions.

Technoblade might be dead.

That’s the fun part tho!! bc before piglins, there were pigMEN. Specifically, we only saw zombie pigmen.

Which means that somehow in the lore of minecraft they not only had a societal-collapse kind of scale zombie apocalypse happen, another thing happened AFTER that which wiped out the remaining zombie population and allowed for the piglin tribes to take over as the main nether inhabitants (tho still clearly are impacted by the zombie virus like the pigmen were this zombified piglins, but they are better at combating it and maintaining their society)

but heres the kicker: techno’s skin? Is very clearly a non-zombified pigman. which would mean he somehow survived a form of mass extinction (zombification and extinction) TWICE and come out unharmed.

but also, it brings to light another critical question: how long ago did the zombie pigmen go extinct? how long ago did the normal pigmen go extinct?