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Karkat: Asshole didn’t even once think about how I might have felt and when I brought it up, no man, we’re not talking about Karkat’s feelings. We only care about my feelings. I might have told you you can talk to me, but if I don’t get to cover my damn anus first, it’s not going to happen! Because it’s all about me!
Karkat: On the one fucking month I can’t handle anything. But how could he know that? He’s too busy caring about his own self and covering his own ass.
Karkat: God and even Avi has managed to put himself aside for a damn second and let me talk. Why did I think Dave would be the one to do that first.
Karkat: He just kicks me out when he doesn’t get his way. Why am I surprised? I shouldn’t be. I’ve been through this before.
Karkat: It was never going to be about me. Even when I needed it.
Karkat: And I guess Strider was right. In the end he was using me, because when it wasn’t about him it wasn’t happening. I couldn’t say a damn word without him focusing on the fact I wasn’t accepting the “explanation” he was giving. I didn’t want to think about it! Because it hurt my feelings!
Karkat: Congratulations, Strider, you nailed that one months ago. Bet you thought it was Avi I’d be the one crying about. Surprise!
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Karkat: I really don't understand how Deja Vu works.
Karkat: And yeah I guess that's like the conundrum of the human race
Karkat: or well one of them
Karkat: But seriously. What causes it? And why do some people have it?
Karkat: Why do I always have to so fucking much?
Karkat: Why does Dave?
Karkat: Better yet!
Karkat: Why are we having it more and more at the same time the longer we're with each other?
Karkat: Fucking hell, the day I met him was one whole damn sequence of endless Deja Vu!
Karkat: Except I was also hungover as absolute hell so I thought it was that until it kept happening in the following days.
Karkat: I'd understand it better if I got it once in a while and on my own.
Karkat: But it's like he triggers it.
Karkat: Or things about him trigger it.
Karkat: Or, fuck! Sometimes I seem to know things before he tells me them, which makes no sense at all.
Karkat: Like, what the fuck universe. What is this?
Karkat: Are you trying to tell me something?
Karkat: How did I know that entire fucking song like that despite having no fucking clue who Third Eye Blind is?
Karkat: I've never heard any of their other songs.
Karkat: I couldn't find a movie where I'd possibly heard it before.
Karkat: I don't understand.
Karkat: I swear sometimes it's like someone else is in my body and I'm just watching from the sidelines and feeling their emotions in the form of Deja Vu as they remember things they did but I never have.
Karkat: Which is stupid.
Karkat: Especially with the Dave factor, because a lot of the stuff we do is his first time doing it as much as it is mine.
Karkat: I don't know.
Karkat: I don't get it.
Karkat: It really bothers me some days and some days I couldn't give less of a fuck.
Karkat: Today is more of the former rather than the latter.
Karkat: Circumstances surrounding the favor currently unknown.
Karkat: I should probably bring it up with Dave even to see if he had anything, but we weren't together today and it's not like it's anything new.
Karkat: I don't even really want to talk about it, because all it does is make me feel freaky.
Karkat: Like I'm not even really human and this is the world telling me I don't belong in the place I'm trying to fit into.
Karkat: Which is stupid. Aliens don't exist yet.
Karkat: Or like.
Karkat: Don't
Karkat: Haven't
Karkat: Whatever. Not here.
Karkat: ...
Karkat: Last night.
Karkat: Some of the shit DJ was looking up.
Karkat: No, I don't even know what any of that was.
Karkat: I shouldn't dwell on that when I can't even begin to comprehend some of the bullcrap the internet likes to weave out of nothing but ignorance and insecurity.
Karkat: I mean look at the shit people throw around on Tumblr.
Karkat: Google is a thousand times worse because it's basically free fucking rein on everything.
Karkat: Ok I need to just stop.
Karkat: None of this matters, I'm just getting wound up over it because I'm trying to distract myself from work and school.
Karkat: Which is such fucking bad adulting, and yet here I am.
Karkat: I guess I could also be drinking, but I don't want to sink that low.
Karkat: Not on a Monday.
Karkat: Thursday might be a different story.
Karkat: ... Or maybe even Wednesday.
Karkat: We'll see. I don't know.
Karkat: I'm done talking on this thing.
Karkat: My therapist is going to be so fucking confused.
Karkat: I'm sorry I'm such a hot fucking mess.
Karkat: Surprise, ten years hasn't done much of anything.
Karkat: I haven't changed.
Karkat: Which is why I'm back.
Karkat: Ok I'm legitimately talking to myself this is done.
Karkat: Ok no it hasn’t but I’m supposed to keep talking to myself.
Karkat: Which I do all the damn time anyway, so this is nothing.
Karkat: ...
Karkat: Ah, fuck.
Karkat: I don't know why I hate doing this so much.
Karkat: I don't know why this is so hard.
Karkat: People can't see this, I've made sure of it.
Karkat: No one's going to slip in and mock me for anything I've said.
Karkat: No one will find out my fears and sorrows and use them against me here.
Karkat: I don't need to be so hesitant. At all.
Karkat: And yet here I am, struggling to figure out what even I need to get off my chest.
Karkat: Which
Karkat: ok is more because I go to Dave first.
Karkat: My Dave.
Karkat: And this is just
Karkat: excess material I need to ramble out because he got me to lose my steam and calm down.
Karkat: And I'm left with a lot of words I don't actually want to speak.
Karkat: But I don't know what else to do with them. Putting them in someone else's hands when I don't *actually* want to talk about them is just
Karkat: baiting.
Karkat: And that's not the kind of person I want to be.
Karkat: Someone who just unloads and walks away. That's not fair.
Karkat: So I guess I'll just keep trying to put them here
Karkat: even with the constant feeling of "ho don't do it" that I don't understand.
Karkat: Spring break is rapidly approaching.
Karkat: I have to give a midterm and take a midterm and submit my semester's worth of thesis work. Which is not even remotely done yet.
Karkat: Because I think I may have bitten off more than I could chew this time.
Karkat: Somehow.
Karkat: It was easier before but before I wasn't
Karkat: a grad student.
Karkat: Something about this is just so much harder than my senior semester.
Karkat: I'm scared I'm not going to be able to keep it up.
Karkat: And all this work I've put into it is just going to fall around my ears.
Karkat: Sometimes I wonder if I would have just
Karkat: been smart about my military career
Karkat: and not tried to prove something that no one cared about just to make a point.
Karkat: I don't even fucking know who I was making a point to by doing it. I'd been planning on going into the Army for at least a year before I decided I wanted to be an epic dumbass.
Karkat: I could be finishing up my term by now. Actually have some really good credit under my name and dog tags I'd be worthy of wearing.
Karkat: Kankri and I wouldn't have had a falling out
Karkat: or well he would probably have spoken to me a lot sooner than he ended up doing.
Karkat: ...
Karkat: I guess that might be part of the reason. Him.
Karkat: Showing him I could be a good part of the family.
Karkat: When in actuality I couldn't see my own nose in front of my face and ruined everything.
Karkat: What the actual fuck was wrong with me.
Karkat: Why was I so fucking stupid at eighteen?
Karkat: Who in their right mind
Karkat: ... Ugh.
Karkat: There's no point in getting heated over it when you can't change the past.
Karkat: And besides, if I hadn't failed utterly at my attempt to impress my brother I wouldn't have met Dave probably.
Karkat: Or Avi.
Karkat: Or Russian.
Karkat: Dian. DJ.
Karkat: Orfeus, wherever the hell he went.
Karkat: I wouldn't have Caly or Artemis.
Karkat: Doesn't erase the entire, utterly engulfing feeling of failure I get whenever I have to look at my tags, or my discharge shit, or anything of my dad's
Karkat: but it does make it better.
Karkat: I would probably be a miserable son of a shit without Dave right now.
Karkat: Alone and stupid and screwed over.
Karkat: Because I just attract that kind of shit.
Karkat: Jesus.
Karkat: I know I would have, because I've always been like this, and a few years in the military wouldn't have changed anything.
Karkat: Nothing would have changed it.
Karkat: Staying in the military, Kankri accepting me again
Karkat: Mom not dying.
Karkat: I'm just a mess of a person and I've always been, nothing would have changed that.
Karkat: Maybe I'd still have Sollux.
Karkat: ...
Karkat: I don't think I would have been enough, though.
Karkat: Not with the way our relationship was.
Karkat: I mean, yeah, we were fifteen when we started, barely seventeen when we ended.
Karkat: We had no sexual background to really speak of and I was very obviously not at the forefront of any part of his life plan since he just up and
Karkat: Yeah.
Karkat: No.
Karkat: I wouldn't have been enough even if Mom hadn't died.
Karkat: I was never enough to begin with.
Karkat: Which, ok.
Karkat: As a twenty-three-year-old, I can accept this.
Karkat: We were young, there really wasn't a reason to expect him to, and he really wasn't the type.
Karkat: Aloof and annoying.
Karkat: Snarky. Always pushing me because he liked to see me push back.
Karkat: The epitome of everything *I* wanted to conquer to prove I was good enough.
Karkat: I didn’t want what he might have had to give and he didn’t give it. He was used up when I got him and I didn’t care. He was stupidly busted.
Karkat: He was the tragedy I just wanted to get involved in, I guess. He was a fucking mess.
Karkat: Gave all his love to a girl and she up and died before they could even meet.
Karkat: I was next in line and I was there when he needed it and I was the net he fell into
Karkat: and I guess that's all I ever really was once he had started to recover and move on with his life.
Karkat: And when he was moving on I was
Karkat: I had suddenly gotten very stuck in the moment.
Karkat: I’d gone from wanting to go with him to not caring about anything but my mom’s cancer. I couldn’t focus on him.
Karkat: I mean, fuck. My mom was dying. Rapidly. Nothing was working and every week she just got worse and worse.
Karkat: I didn’t have time for him.
Karkat: ...
Karkat: I don’t even know if he needed me during that time. I can’t remember thinking about him at all until he was breaking up with me.
Karkat: Holy fuck.
Karkat: I guess I just. Stopped being that net. And maybe the fact I wasn’t there at all is what caused him to realize he didn’t need me anymore.
Karkat: ...
Karkat: Shit.
Karkat: I've literally never talked about this and I'm doing it in here?
Karkat: Why?
Karkat: I mean I've mentioned it to Dave but we have such a bad track record with conversations, we go all over the place.
Karkat: Which I like, so.
Karkat: I don't know.
Karkat: I know I'm good at being a net. I know it makes people want to talk to me.
Karkat: Ok it’s one of the reasons. But we’re not talking about any other aspects.
Karkat: I try to catch people. Because I like doing it.
Karkat: I know that much. I do it because it makes me feel like I have a net of my own I guess.
Karkat: A reason to be kept around, y’know?
Karkat: But
Karkat: you grow out of needing a net.
Karkat: Eventually, you're good enough to do things on your own, and you don't need it anymore.
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Karkat: Oh yeah, Karkat. Then very nearly spontaneously ask him to marry you.
Karkat: Like you haven’t been letting the thought curdle your whole brain to useless goo for months now as you agonize over whether or not he even wants it after the bullshit you’ve been pulling on him for actual years now.
Karkat: Just nearly say “fuck it all” and ask! Like you weren’t the one opposed to it all this time!
Karkat: That’s the smart thing to do. Bravo!
Karkat: Get your fucking head on straight, holy shit.
Karkat: At least get a ring and get over your problem with not feeling good enough for him when he’s sitting in your fucking lap and then proceeds to make it known that you’re uttering absolute horseshit to yourself.
Karkat: I'm out of gold stars so you can just go fuck yourself.
Karkat: You shouldn't even be reading this.
Karkat: How did you find this???
Karkat: I have a password on this bitch.
Karkat: Oh god please don't be Roxy.
Karkat: Roxy if you're reading this please go away.
Karkat: Please.
Karkat: You already know about my military fail and I literally can't get anymore mortified about being alive in front of you unless you read this, then I'll boil alive in my skin from how embarrassed I'll be.
Karkat: So. Please.
Karkat: Ahem. Anyway.
Karkat: Shit.
Karkat: Log number
Karkat: ...
Karkat: You know, I don’t even fucking know and I don’t feel like going to look.
Karkat: Log number fuck-it-all.
Karkat: Because, literally. Fuck it all.
Karkat: Woke up this morning with such an epic hangover it hurt to walk and I didn't eat at all the whole day.
Karkat: Why?
Karkat: Good question!
Karkat: I just decided to accept it when hour number six went by and I was only getting more wasted by doing jack shit.
Karkat: DJ mentioned being drugged and he might have been right, but he dropped the subject before I could discuss it with him and I had no one else to ask.
Karkat: I couldn't ask Avi, he's down the block and he'd freak.
Karkat: Couldn't ask Dave, he'd freak and come over and he doesn't need the stress.
Karkat: Couldn't ask Strider, for the same reason as Dave.
Karkat: DJ was my only option and he was
Karkat: something was wrong.
Karkat: Really wrong.
Karkat: Like so wrong he took it out on me, and not even
Karkat: I
Karkat: ...
Karkat: I think I think of him kind of like I do Kankri, actually.
Karkat: Now that that whole thing happened.
Karkat: I've only felt the way I did when he was scolding me when Kankri did the same.
Karkat: Not that Kankri used the same exact language.
Karkat: DJ was a little harsher.
Karkat: ... A lot harsher.
Karkat: Not wrong, but just.
Karkat: Sharper than Kanny ever was.
Karkat: But still right about everything he said, even if it was in anger.
Karkat: And I guess I kind of saw him as a brother figure up until that was done with, because it felt the same way.
Karkat: Well, no. I might still. I don’t know. I don’t think he wants me to talk to him for a while so I don’t know when I’ll find out exactly. And if I do? Then I guess I just do. And if he gets mad again it’ll just be the same thing.
Karkat: Which is my fault, I should know better than to latch onto people who I know don't like me that much. Like I keep doing.
Karkat: I don't know what in me makes me want to stick to people that very clearly have a side of hate for me along with whatever else we have going on.
Karkat: That's all beside the point.
Karkat: Something's really wrong and I can't ask, because he doesn't want me in his business.
Karkat: And holy fuck it's hard.
Karkat: Because it's so obvious sometimes and I feel like
Karkat: Alright, so. Worst thing about the level of insomnia I have?
Karkat: The hallucinations.
Karkat: It's really hard to hide them, and with the added sleep deprivation fact that makes you sound like a crazed lunatic in the first place, it just doesn't help anything.
Karkat: I was not only severely sleep deprived during the last log, I was also seeing my mother out of the corner of my eye every so often.
Karkat: It's a lot easier to hide over text and I caught about an hour of sleep that night to help regenerate some of the fucked brain cells I screwed all day
Karkat: but didn't help a whole lot.
Karkat: Thank god no one tried to seriously talk to me during that time, because I would have snapped.
Karkat: Dave finally ended up coming in to help me because I'd gone
Karkat: shit
Karkat: when did Strider leave.
Karkat: Monday?
Karkat: And that last log was
Karkat: Friday.
Karkat: Holy fuck.
Karkat: Holy fuck I could have killed myself.
Karkat: Oh my god.
Karkat: I've never
Karkat: I wasn't keeping track of the time there.
Karkat: No fucking wonder I was having hallucinations.
Karkat: I should have taken some of my sleep medication to sleep more. I didn't
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Karkat: I can't even keep my damn head on straight half of the time and I'm over here trying to handle two people I'm terrified of because I could very easily lose them.
Karkat: And he has to deal with the wake of what it does to me.
Karkat: He doesn't deserve this and he can do better and he doesn't even know it because he thinks I have all there needs to be offered for him.
Karkat: It took me six months to have sex with Strider.
Karkat: It took me a whole fucking year to return the statement when he told me he loved me.
Karkat: Both of those times he initiated it.
Karkat: Hell, he started the whole romance part of all of this, because I had my head so far up my ass I was using my mouth as a peephole for my daily activities and couldn't see past my own teeth.
Karkat: The point is, he started everything.
Karkat: Started talking to me, started trying to be friends (with my utterly stubborn ass who really just wanted him gone), starting crushing on me and falling in love with me and asking me out in the end.
Karkat: He did. Not me.
Karkat: Because he wanted to.
Karkat: ...
Karkat: So why the fuck do I feel like he's just indulging me because he doesn't want to hurt me?
Karkat: I know he doesn't.
Karkat: God, I know it more than I know anything else.
Karkat: I can tell by looking at him that he wants all of me.
Karkat: I don't understand why I feel so relieved when he says it.
Karkat: Or when he begs me to take of my pants within the sight of the camera.
Karkat: I don't know where that relief comes from. Because I know better. I do.
Karkat: And he makes sure I know. He fucking knows the moment something is up like he's directly tuned into my feelings.
Karkat: Like he's grown up knowing exactly who and how I am, which makes no shitting sense.
Karkat: But
Karkat: also feels right.
Karkat: I haven't known him my whole life, but sometimes it feels like I've known him for such a long time.
Karkat: Especially when he breaks down what's wrong in like fifteen minutes flat, which no one has been able to do since Mom.
Karkat: Mom was good at that, too. But maybe that's because I was her kid and she knew me better than I knew myself.
Karkat: Maybe
Karkat: ...
Karkat: Maybe I'm scared.
Karkat: I'm subconsciously pulling away from the person I know will kill me to lose all over again.
Karkat: Not that I'm getting some weird pseudo Oedipus bullshit out of this.
Karkat: Ew.
Karkat: No.
Karkat: Fuck no god.
Karkat: Just.
Karkat: I lost the one person who I could rely on for everything and I knew would never hurt me even though she knew exactly how
Karkat: and I never
Karkat: never
Karkat: thought I would find that again.
Karkat: And then I did.
Karkat: And now
Karkat: Shit.
Karkat: Shit ok.
Karkat: Maybe it's that.
Karkat: Or maybe
Karkat: I just need to see him again.
Karkat: In person.
Karkat: In the flesh.
Karkat: So I can really see his eyes when he tells me the things he says over the phone.
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