The Coded Poet

Like, I'm trying to stay alive like the rest of us.

I know I only have like 15 followers, but still I'm sorry for leaving you all hanging like that.

I was halfway through the year when I left reality to chase some shooting star of hope which barreled through the night sky. It glimmered and sparked like a crystal in the snow, and like the fool I am, I chased it as far as I could go. But it barreled ahead like an asteroid, crashing once again until all hope was destroyed. And here I am again as I was before, to hope for death or to hope nevermore.

Seriously? I thought we were through! But you keep showing up like you think you have a place here with me.

Wait... you don’t have any other place to go?

It’s what he told her. He’d had enough of trying to handle her demons. It was time for her to figure it out alone, he had said to her. If it has to take her to the edge of death in order to show what life truly is, so be it.

”If you’re not comfortable in you own mind, how can you become happy with someone else?” he’d asked all the hard questions that day, the day they broke up. 

“You have to do this alone. Let go of everyone else. You can’t depend on someone else, because people leave. Find comfort in your own soul, because you could never leave yourself alone. Realize what you are, what you’re worth, and what you really want from life. Once you know yourself, you can learn to be known. You’ll start to feel okay. I know it’ll take a long time, and there will be moments when you feel it would be better if you killed yourself, but please, just keep trying. If you have no hope at all, just remember this, you are not obligated to feel happy. But that doesn’t mean you cannot learn how.”

I’m talking to you, dear one. 

If only it were that simple...

If I message her now for instance, she’ll either do one of two things: 1. She’ll respond right away with a very detached and formal response. 2. She’ll wait weeks before she even looks at it and then act like she’s been so busy without really acknowledging what i say.

Sure, maybe she is busy. Perhaps she does still care like she claims to. Let’s suppose I am still her best friend. Either way, there’s nothing worse than hurting over someone who’d never shed a tear for you. There’s not a more lonely feeling than saying “I miss you...” and then being ignored. There is not a sadder feeling for a lonely soul than the feeling of having been replaced.

What happened to those times we cried together? The 1, 2, and 3 AM conversations that we would never have had with anyone else? The stories we shared and the plans we made? 

The bond that was once a dream come true, has become no more than a forgotten imagination.

I wish I had an old friend I could talk to. Someone who was there before my thinking patterns became so depressive. Someone who could take the blade from my wrists. Someone to remind me of what I was before my eyes were cast into the shadows.

Tell me I’ll be okay... please...

Tell me there is hope that the pain will ease.

Show me that this is true....

But the sad part is that I won’t believe you.

For this, I hate myself.

I cause myself more pain than anyone else.

I asked for help, once before.

He told me just what i asked to lift the weights I bore,

but it only lasted nevermore.

“What is this?” a voice said through streams of tears.

I’m tired....

I’m tired of longing for things that come so easily for some. I’m tired of searching for things that are absent from none.

I’m tired of sleeping on a pillow filled with tears, Just because I’m too much a coward to face my fears.

I’m tired of believing only for a season, Then losing all hope for a simple reason:

Hope is like a star, Oh so distant, oh so far.

Come back to me, Help me to see.

I search, and search with all my might, Never to see a single flicker in the night.

How much from me has my heart required? When I've given everything, All that is left of me is tired.

Today was beautiful. A little too beautiful...