The Childfree Bee

This is hilarious! If you are looking for an entertaining, humorous, summer read, this is the one. It’s light and funny, and full of international adventures, which I love so much. While it can be a bit crass and shallow at times, the author does a great job of painting an alternative picture for women who are not ready to settle down and have kids. It’s witty and empowering. I love how it gives women permission to go and see the world!

I was at a lovely party the other night, held at the home of a friend of a friend. There was a good-sized group there, and there was a mixture of people who had children and people who didn’t. I felt comfortable and welcomed.

I had started a lovely conversation with a woman I had just met, and she was clearly within weeks (or days) of giving birth. We were talking about her job, her being new to the city, and what life is like for her, etc. I was enjoying getting to know her, and she seemed intelligent and endearing.

Within about 10 minutes of meeting one another, another friend with kids saddled up to the conversation. “When are you due?” she asked, and they launched into talking about birthing and children, which was fine. This woman was obviously about to pop and I’m sure it was at the forefront of her mind.

But it kept on. And as they continued, the pregnant woman shared that this will be her second child, and low and behold, the new woman in the convo had two kids as well! And all of the sudden I found myself silent in the middle of two women talking about how to strategically store toys between child #1 and child #2, so that child #2 could use child #1′s toys at age-appropriate times. There were zip-lock bags involved and sharpie markers and attic shelving and my jaw just dropped. This went on for a solid 15 minutes, and I had not one single thing to add. I just stood there in silence, unable to contribute and unable to leave, as this had been MY conversation to begin with.

It’s amazing how a perfectly good conversation with a potential new friend can be completely commandeered by a rogue, maverick mommy. It was kind of like my car was being hijacked by a thug in a mask, and I was the hostage in the back seat; I was being driven around by two mad, baby-making machines on a toy-organizing tear. I had no good exit strategy. It was a hostile take over.

This is a fascinating article by @npr. While in some ways this is certainly concerning for the future of the human race, at the same time, the earth’s population continues to skyrocket. We are now at more than 7.5 billion people on this planet, and we are running out of resources to support this kind of population growth. And in 2013, Americans alone generated about 254 million tons of trash! This is unsustainable.

The conversation around “Families of Choice” is really amazing to me as someone who has been intentional about not having children. Like everyone, I wonder what the future will bring. Will I be lonely and depressed when I’m 87 and unable to pull up my own pants? Who will feed me mushy porridge when all of my teeth fall out? Will I be forgotten about and hidden away in a back corner of a nursing home somewhere?? Maybe. But the fact of the matter is that having children isn’t an insurance policy against loneliness, isolation, or any other fears that we have about growing old. In fact, how many people do you know who actually hate their parents, or see them once a year at most because they live far away, or even completely abandon them in their lonely, final chapters of life (often for a variety of reasons…often because the parents were cruel, abusive, absent, etc.).

So, if having children is not an insurance policy against loneliness, what is?? How do we invest in our relational futures, especially if offspring and/or biological family is not a given?

I think that the answer is that our insurance policy against loneliness is our investment in meaningful relationships. Sometimes this means investing into biological children, but not always. Increasingly not, actually. In other words, what you sow into people, you then reap, whether they are your offspring or not.

Investing in people. Loving people. Spending time with people. Saying YES to life and to all of the amazing human beings that grace us with their presence… this is the investment we need into one another to bring returns of joyful, meaningful relationships into our mid life, later life, and even our final days. We get to CHOOSE who we invite into our lives, and where we spend our time. We define where we find meaning. This is liberating!! Especially for those of us who were not handed a picture perfect family of origin. Families of choice are those people with whom we share the very best and worst of ourselves as we give of our lives. This is great news for those of us who are single, LGBTQIA, childfree (by choice or not), from abusive/broken homes, or who have suffered death and loss of biological family. We get to create our families from scratch!

I love Saturdays. I look forward to them. I’ve set up my life in such a way that I get to fully bask in long hours of uninterrupted free time on the weekends. For some people, long hours of uninterrupted free time might be boring or not their cup of tea. Which is why the no-kid conversation comes down to understanding your priorities. I understand that the childfree option is not for everyone. But the point is that it is equally true that having kids is not for everyone... it’s just that nobody is talking about this choice as a viable option. As women continue the quest for greater freedom and more rights to choose, the kid decision comes down to knowing yourself and what you value, and making that choice with confidence. Without shame or judgement.

Here are my Saturday priorities. Knowing this about myself helps me to be strategic about my life choices, which ultimately lead to greater happiness.

I love snuggles with my partner. I love lounging in bed and spending quality time together just doing nothing on the weekends. I love having time and space to talk over coffee and brunch. Couples with kids rarely get this time, but it’s a priority for me that I’m not willing to sacrifice it. I think my relationship is better for it.

I love sleep. Like, I cannot function well without it. Saturdays are my time to catch up and rest. I can still sleep for a solid 8-9 hours without stirring, and when I don’t get this, I feel like hell. People with kids don’t get this kind of sleep. It can’t be a priority for them.

I love long walks with my dog. I love being outside and exploring. I love following the path, wherever it leads, without concern that I need to be home for Junior’s nap time.

I love quiet. I value space to think, read, write, contemplate, meditate and bask in the peaceful atmosphere that I have created in my home.

I love working out. While sometimes it’s a struggle to motivate myself, yoga, jogging, walking, hiking, and staying active make me feel better. I think clearer and am more fully alive when I make time to be active. This is a tough one with kids.

I love my friends. I thrive on deep, challenging, heartfelt, soulful conversations with my girlfriends. I absolutely love it. As more of my friends have kids, these opportunities just are not as available to them. It makes me sad to lose them as things shift in their lives, but also helps me to know who to invest my time in.

I love travel. We often take the weekends to visit friends or family, see new places, go hiking, and get away. These spontaneous weekends of adventure just don’t happen with little ones in tow.

While some people say that you can have it all, I actually don’t agree. It’s really hard to have an awesome career, an intimate and intentional romantic relationship, time to decompress, deep, meaningful friendships, health, hobbies, time to travel, AND kids. Raising children just doesn’t make my list.

What are your priorities?