TheCertifiedAntNerd

Bonus: shout out to all alloaces, aroallos, and non-SAM aspecs. 99% of all content under asexual or aromantic tags is just aroace stuff

The trapdoor ant aka miss frying pan

I have theories! There's only one other line that references Jekyll's father and it's of Jekyll walking hand in hand with him. So we can infer the relationship was probably positive or fairly typical of a parent and child but Jekyll still counts it as something that contributes to his repression. " -scrawling in my own hand blasphemies on the pages of my books, burning the letters and destroying the portrait of my father; and indeed, had it not been for his fear of death, he would long ago have ruined himself in order to involve me in the ruin. But his love of life is wonderful; I go further: I, who sicken and freeze at the mere thought of him, when I recall the abjection and passion of this attachment, and when I know how he fears my power to cut him off by suicide, I find it in my heart to pity him." Here is where Jekyll starts talking about Hyde like he's a separate entity while simultaneously proving he isn't. Hyde writes in JEKYLL'S hand when he profanes Jekyll's books and scriptures and destroys the portrait of Jekyll's father. Jekyll has a very split view of his father. On the one hand associating him with comfort and affection and on the other aligning him with repression and self-deprivation. A lot of people who lead any kind of double life wind up grappling with this. Whether they're hiding addiction, masking mental illness or a closeted queer/transperson. They have the desire to keep the love of their family or partner and also the bitter resentment of knowing that that love is contingent on living a lie and keeping part of yourself masked at all times. Nothing can make you hate a loving or even ideal parent more than knowing that they would never love all of you and if you do something to make them stop loving you then you will be the villain, the disappointment, the one that broke their hearts. You end up either hating them or yourself and Jekyll hates both. He is filled with self loathing and denial but he can't really hide the resentment. And he's not a well man, mentally or even physically really. He's tripling doses of his drug and the whole book is a metaphor for a mentally ill man who's self-medicating and losing himself to his vices and his inner demons. The man is fucked up in almost every imaginable way. He likes to hurt people without their consent. He enjoys inflicting pain and torture and hates himself for these urges. He has no outlet, and no real support system. The minute anyone found out he was like THAT they'd leave. He has to do SOMETHING but he has to keep it all a secret. It's honestly no wonder he's falling apart by the end of the novel. But no matter how much he tries he can't really deny that it's all him. When he writes those blasphemies it's in his own handwriting. It's HIM. But he can't SAY it's him because admitting it is difficult. Because he believes that everything about Hyde is fundamentally broken and hateful. And it kind of is. Hyde is a cruel, sadistic, monster and Jekyll wants to be a good man, a man who deserves the kind of life he has and the love of the people around him. He just can't get rid of all of the things that make him Hyde. The worst part is that Hyde makes him happy, Hyde makes him feel alive. He loves life when he's in that form because of he freedom it gives him, the relief from the burden of being Dr. Jekyll. He hates Hyde as much as he does because he loves being Hyde. He hates himself.

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