The Captain Writer

I’ve known you for so long. We’ve seen each other grow as fine individuals. I’ve known you to be a very tough guy that has a good heart for your fam. I saw how you look at things, how you stood up and faced every struggles your family had.

I’ve seen you loved someone with all your heart. But never I witnessed how you broke their heart, or how they broke your heart.

I’ve been wishing for so long that somewhere, somewhat, you’ll give me a piece of your heart. God knows, how was I wishing to be with you in good and in bad times of life. I have prayed to God for your happiness, even if it doesn’t include me in the picture. I prayed that you find the one your heart wishes for, and I know it isnt me.

But these past few days, i’ve been asking God to give me a chance, a chance for you to get to know me, a chance for you to love me, and a chance for me to love you back without any reservations. I asked and beg God for you to find me.

Then you found me. And Im starting to ask my self, “is it worth the risk?”

I know, i know how long I have waited for this. But, insecurities sucks. Im starting to feel and realized all my flaws, that Im not beautiful, that im just an ugly duckling from the beginning to the end, i was never pretty and never will be. I dont have curves, i dont have a dolly body. I have scars and stretch marks in every angle of my body. I dont have a nice nose, eyes, lips. Everything’s ugly.

I dont know if Im ever willing to let you see all that flaws. I dont know when will I be ready for that. And Im not the lady you’ve been describing your friends to be with you forever.

Happy Birthday to this Man, who taught me so much in life. To this man, thank you for your love. Thank you for loving me despite of knowing all my short comings. You were my rescue, my strength. There will be no man like you Pa.

No one will ever shout my name then say’ Smile gie, I’ll take a picture of you" No one will ever take me out whenever Mom scolds me. You were there to comfort me Pa, you were there to teach me to say sorry. You were there to hug me, to take all my nightmares away.

Thank you for the memory Pa. Thank you to your genes, never will I wish to be belong to any family, I can call a house a home knowing you are waiting there.

Forever i will cherish you. Forever I will cry because i know you’ll never be with us. You’ll never see me holding my certificate, you’ll never see me receive my License as an Engineer. And especially you can never be able to walk me down the aisle.

How can I be a Soldier when you are not here, how will I know how to survive, now that you left.

No one will know my pain Pa. I can never share ( to any who knows me ) how painful it is for me. No one saw me cry and beg for God to give you back to us. Because I know you know how strong as a person I am. This is the most painful thing happened to me, this is the scariest thing, you not being by my side.

Im crying. Literally. Im writing this one because Im sad. The emptiness inside me’s killing me. Longing for d’ presence of a human being who once taught me what Love really mean. What family really mean.

It was a painful night when someone called, and told me that you’re gone. I felt my heart shattered into pieces. I felt the hollowness. I felt the pain! I felt that I lost everything.

You never said, goodbye. I never said I love you before you left. I’ve never seen u for quite sometime. And it breaks my heart! I tell myself that I was the one who did wrong, that I did nothing to help you. That I never noticed what you felt the past days before u left. I didnt notice that you already want to rest, that you’re tired already. Im so selfish to think that you can make it till im old too. Im so selfish to think that you’re still strong. Im so selfish!!!

Im so angry at myself that I didnt do anything. I miss you, Pa (lolo). you never did say Bye to me tho. I know you are in God’s arms at this moment, and happy to be with your Mom, and Dad, and God. I know you’re jumping out, with a full smile on your face. I know you are watching us and telling God to take good care of all of us. I know you are now playing a guitar and taking pictures, and speaking in English with everyone. And I know, you are sharing your love with you co-angels. Because thats what you do best, make everyone feel loved.

All the people you left here, will have a space, just for you, in their hearts. And thats 100% sure.

I will cherish all the moments we spent together, the laughters and tears Pa. the lessons u taught me. The hugs and kisses.

you have scars on your knees n arms, stretch marks on your butt, your body`s no good for fashion show, your hair`s not for shampoo commercial, see those split ends, your nose aint pointed thats no good for camera whtvr angle it may be, your legs aint long to be a supermodel, you dont even have boobs they`re so little seems like a chest of a lad. 

insecurities kills u day n night. 24//7. You aint perfect. No one is. People would make you feel small, would make u feel u aint worthy of any love. People would treat u as if ur ugly as fck. 

But you gotta believe in yourself. You are beautiful. whtvr word they may use to put u down, to make u feel nothing. Just try a little, try to love yourself. You gotta try. And you`ll see how wonderful it would be, to be you. You`ll see how far those are people behind you. You just need to see that little shinning star inside you. 

Cant find myself. Cant put words together. Been doing things that cannot end. Walking in a four corner zone. Cant hide the scared emotion that forms on my face. 

For months, i’ve been asking myself whats wrong with me. What do I really want with this life that was given by our Majestic God. I’m trying to understand whats happening with my physical appearance, emotional status, spiritual fire inside me. I overthink with no directions. Combinations of all aspects of life. Crawls inside me is a desire of loving and being loved back. Im trying but cant find the way out, of knowing what does that word really mean. 

Trying to talk to myself the same thing over and over again. Been seeking for some guidance from above to have what it is in my heart. Havent been complete for so long. Keeping it to myself too long. Shattered heart of mine cry for cravings. Begs for love, for happiness. Heart becoming stone but still resisting for so many reasons. Thirst for some affections. Lurking in the shadow of my own fear. Trying to find the light that’s still within me, who’s hiding. 

Its been a cycle since the day you met her. It became a love-hate relationship for our friendship. it became so unhealthy and toxic for both of us. We end up choosing our own path to grow without having each other We learned to live without each others advises and laughters. We became this individual person who we thought we wont be. You chose a different relationship rather our friendship. So easy to leave me without even saying goodbye. So fed up with your lies of forever friendship no matter what. Got tired of hoping we will be happy having each other through good times and bad, whether having partners or friends or just the two of us.