you'll never sink when you are with me.

right now i’m listening to “walking in the wind.” listened to it a lot after my mom died. it’s making me ache. they were so talented together. “once in a lifetime” has harmonies to make you weep.

but I’ve been sitting here since the news broke, still trying to process that this happened. That this is reality. This fandom kept me afloat through my hardest times— college, graduation, grad school, coming out, my mom dying— and it meant the world to me. It still means the world to me, if I’m honest. The people I met, and this silly and brilliant band, have burrowed so deep into my heart. It felt like a warm comfort, always there as a “maybe they’ll reunite,” or a, “hey, let me reach out and see how _____ is doing!” It feels like something is shattered now, obviously so broken beyond repair.

Liam brought so much to the band. He gave his heart and soul to this. Even when we weren’t the best to him, he showed up and he gave us his all. I wish so much that the outpouring of love for him now is something he could have felt when he was here, to lift him up and comfort him. Liam was bright, but he was also steady and headstrong, and brave, and he was hurting. We can only see such a small, calculated glimpse into who they are— the authentic glimpses of Liam tell us that he was so much more than anything we could read about, or gossip, or more. He was a person, and people are complicated and flawed. His were unfairly thrust into an international spotlight.

I know many of us may have conflicted feelings about this. I understand that this is a complicated grief, because this means so much to all of us. Because he meant so much to all of us. I hope that we can be kind in our judgement, as he deserved while he was here. Good people can do bad things, and this in no way excuses any unethical behavior. It also doesn’t erase the deep love we feel for him, and the gratitude we want to express for the joy he brought into our lives. My heart aches for Bear, and I hope he only knows the love and the vibrancy his dad brought into the world. He deserved a better hand than he was dealt.

Liam, you deserved so much better. I hope, if your spirit returns, it’s into a vessel running wild and free. One without a cage, one without the tethers of fame. I hope you soar, sweet Liam. I loved you, I’ll love you, I love you forever.