Always try to try; Sometimes

One day i was really sad. No, that doesnt convey how tremendously sad i was. Like stupendous. Ferociously sad. So they only thing i can think of to expres it is to say i was really REALLY sad. There that does it.

I was so sad in fact that i didnt want to live anymore. I wanted it all to just go away. So i decided id wait inside my house for a meteor to come crashing down and take away everything. All my problems, all my sadness, and all the potholes that exist on and around my driveway. Those fuckers are irritating, causing me to hurt my neck when i run over them. Anyway, i digest, where was i? Oh yeah, I layed down in my bed and just waited...and waited...and waited. 6 hours passed before i realized something. If a meteor doesnt come down by now it probably just never will.

So laying there i was trying to come up with another method for death when i remembered yogi bear and how he was so flexible and had such control over his body and organ functioning. Armed with this renewed knowledge i figured id die by slowing my heart until it stops. So i focused on my breathing just like yogi bear and breathed slowly in for a few seconds and then out slowly for a few seconds. I also focused on my heart rate in an attempt to will it to stop.

So basically, instead of killing myself i just ended up relaxing myself until i felt better and no longer wanted to die.

I just developed a fool proof method to beating any casino and quite frankly I’m shocked no one has thought of this already. Simply enter any casino and walk up to the roulette table and place an even amount of money on each number. That way, no matter what number it lands on you are a winner! 

For example, there are 36 numbers on a roulette wheel. Take in 36 dollars and place a one dollar on each number. Since you win 36 times the amount of the bet you will win 36 dollars every spin. 

Im gonna open up for a moment. For a brief window of time youll get a rare glimpse into the inner depths of the insides of what is otherwise known as me, your lovable tramp. So without further doodoo ill get right into it. No more hesitation is to be had and i will explain to you the context of the aforementioned title. So here it goes.

Ever since i could remember, when i would discover something that truely amazed me, i would become literally enthralled with it. Every second of every day was spent consuming it, thinking of it, or planning how to get it again. I have, what is referred to by some, an addictive personality. Booze, cigs, sexuals, gambling, food, fun, shopping, and trees. I have, at one time or another and sometimes coinciding, had a problem with all of these and more. Anything you can get addicted to i have been addicted to. With that, i have had to find ways of ridding myself of these afflictions lest they mess with my brain and i cant let that happen. My brian is too well put together.

I found that for every addiction there is an equal but opposite undiction(aka 12 step programs). I attended my first(of what would become many) of these programs and sat quietly with my social awkwardness and anxiety dreading the moment it was my turn.

To my surprise it wasnt all that hard to open up. Afterall, i had just sat for quite a while and listened to everyone else open up. What could i say that hasnt already been said before. So i told my story of alcoholism(the first addiction i faced) and to my surprise i felt utterly elated. All this baggage i have been carrying suddenly tossed into the river to simply be watched as it floats downstream, around a bend, and out of sight. One of the best feelings ive ever had(do you see where this is heading?).

I needed more.

The next problem i decided to tackle was my gambling addiction. I mean all that money i made from prostitution was just being wasted at the slot machines. I couldve spent soo many days being able to eat food. This problem had to go. And away it went. I felt amazing.

After a time of saving so much money and being able to eat i started eating too much. It wasnt until my regular clients started to refuse my services because of all the weight i gained that i realized i had gained an issue with food, so it had to go. And it did.

Next i thought of my addiction to trees and immediately said fuck that. Itll never go away. Theres nothing anyone can do or say to convince me to give up my love for trees and ill fight anyone who tries.

Ok, so once while sluttin it up i almost got stabbed by a one eyed rodeo clown from san fran. I realized at that moment, and not a moment before, that maybe whoring my holes wasnt as safe as i thought. I mean who's ever heard of prostitutes being in danger? No one i know. So in comes a 12 step whore-be-gone program and out goes the slut in me. Another problem fixed; another moment of elation.

At this point all the addictions i had known thus far had been eradicated. I should be happy right? I finally fixed the monkey on my back! I wasnt happy though. I felt sad. Empty. Directionless. I couldn't understand at the time what was wrong. It wasnt until 10 years later that i realized what i had started to do that day. I started to find new addictions so i could have an excuse to attend the 12 step programs. I had become addicted to anti addiction programs.