Untitled

I remember a daycare in the woods... A daycare off highway 7 on our way to Excelsior from Waconia Minnesota. It would take a while to walk there, though as the crow flies it was actually pretty close. Into the woods on a long winding dirt road that seemed endless, to a house that lay in the thick of the forest. The forest was alive. Squirrels and birds bounced from tree branch to tree branch in blurs as fast as sun flickers from light coming through the tree tops. Sometimes it felt like the forest was breathing, pulling us in. A big white mini van was the chariot we took to that house everyday. Hmm... or was it a tan van.

I remember my dad trying to take me out of the comfy car seat as I kicked and cried for my mom to be the one to take me out. Wow. Even as a small child I was showing signs of selfishness and a lack of empathy for my father. Into a dim lit garage that swallowed us, down 13 steep stairs into the basement of Barbra Fransdahl's basement.

Barbs facial features resembled Ms. Trunchbull from the children's movie Matilda, her body as well only with a short hair cut and a modernly dressed. She shared the same temper as Ms. Trunchbull as well. She had a round figure to her. The type of body one gets from being sedentary. When she spoke to the children's parents there was an underlying tone of reticence. It would take a keen ear and a lot of time with the woman to hear the un honest laughs she would feed the parents. White, in her late 40's early 50's and the wrinkles to prove it. Her eyes were gray blue and looked as if the person behind them had went through pain, knew pain well, but also filled with rancor.

To this day in my life whether I was adequately punished or abused from the ages of 2-5, but from my research, trauma can have that affect on people. Especially kids. Trauma is unique to its owner. A person who skateboards all day, like Nyjah Huston, can fall down 15 stairs and feel no anxiety or trepidation at all. Now, if you mother fell down 15 stairs balancing on a piece of wood she might feel some apprehension towards falling and heights for a while afterwards. Unless your mother happens to be Leticia Bufoni. My daycare experience was traumatic for me, and Barb was the first human that ever scared me in my life.

There were 6 other children. Kyle and Erin. A brother and sister that were attached by the hip. A very odd, messy looking boy named Jacob. Along with my two best friends Mitchell and Lisa. A girl two years older than us. Alison. We were "pretend" married. We would pick dandilions for each other, kiss, and get fake married on barbs homemade playground. Mitchell's mom worked with my mom. Im guessing that's where my parents got the idea for the daycare because Mitchell was from Minnetonka.

To a parent, outside appearances made the daycare seem like a perfect little cozy cottage in the wood, but as we know from most fairytales, inside behind closed doors of the cottage in the woods is where the problem lies. There were very odd rules at the daycare like the kids not being able to flush the toilet after use. Which was odd, because she made all of us line up and use the bathroom at the same time. Whether this woman wanted to save on utilities or take our pee to pass drug tests for an unknown probation officer, I don't know. Either way you look at it, Barb had some deep seeded, old fashion psychological problems I couldn't begin to get in to.

All the other children served time outs on the steps, which was as rare as an eclipse, but my time outs were in the closet. Dark, dark, darker. So dark anything could've been in the shadows. The cement cracked basement floor felt like fire and ice on my tiny hands and feet. Seconds felt like minutes and hours felt like weeks. I always hoped to see my dad come through the closet door and save me, but nothing would come but anxiety for me in the corner of the storage closet.

Analyzing everything now I know that we all have days where our chest tightens, where triggers are around every corner, lurking in shadows where darkness spills into heavy breaths. To any ordinary person anxiety is a devastating thing. No matter how many times you tell yourself to "breathe," to remain calm, you feel like a ship with no sails in the middle of a storm. A three year old child in a closet for 1-2 hours. You hopefully can only imagine. I felt as if I was caught in suspension.

I remember flushing the toilet once after five kids had went in front of me. The next instant I was being dragged across the room like a rag doll by my left arm and whipped to the stairs hitting my head against the steps as Barb screamed in my face "what the fell is the matter with you?!" Once I snuck out during nap time because I couldn't sleep. "Boom, boom, boom!" A sound I never forgot. A warning that Barb was coming from the upstairs, where the kids couldn't go, to the basement where we stayed. I tried to run as fast as I could back to the room where the girls shared a king sized bed and the boys slept on cots on the floor. Again she me by the left arm again, threw me on my stomach and hit me twice on the back of my head with the end of a broomstick.

Later on in life I exaggerated the beatings to girlfriends to get sympathy but the truth is I didn't have to. What happened to me was traumatic for me, plain and simple. Maybe I exaggerated things because nobody ever believed me and I wanted other people to equally understand my pain, but I don't have to anymore. This honest auto biography will give exposure to my traumas, and little by little this exposure will help my trauma and anxiety lose its power. With the only remedy I haven't tried. Complete honesty, and a therapist in the near future. For once, this book is also for me.

Silas. Your grandma Becky is an amazing woman. During family gatherings Becky and I would slip away out to the garage and smoke Virginia slims together. Take note of your grandma Becky's patience, compassion and reason. Becky never holds grudges and if you live your life the same way you will lighter and freer. Happy. I miss Becky very very much. Grandpa Jim is a business man with a very high IQ. He provides for all of his family and more importantly he's a good man. You should listen and learn everything from him that you can. His family needs him. He's a hard worker and if he can do a job himself he will. He re did the outside of the family's deck by himself. He makes amazing skyline chili and is a die hard Ohio State fan so im sure you will be watching the games with him. He is also a man of god. I went to church, Sunday school and confirmation while I was growing up. I was confirmed catholic but never lived my life through it. I felt as if when I stepped into the world I was completely alone. Completely alone. For god so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. Maybe if I had actually read, learned and lived through the bible I would've ended up different? No. I made my choices. "He who keeps his mouth will keep his life. He who open his lips too wide will bring forth his own destruction." Proverbs 13 - 3.

Always respect aunt Kenzie and uncle Jake. Kenzie has her fathers wisdom and her mother's heart. She will be a great aunt to help you with your homework you cant figure out. Her and Jake will be the "fun" uncle and aunt when you're a little older. Your cousins, William and Jameson, will be great older cousins that will protect you and keep you sage. I have a feeling Quinley will want to help take care of you. I always that her and Jets palpable energy was contagious. Both of them were always my two favorites. Your aunt Brittany and uncle Joe helped raise and take care of all of your cousins growing up so they both deserve supreme respect from you at all time. Actually... Brittany and Kenzie did most of the hard work now that I think about it... HAHA just kidding Jake and Joe.

Although I don't know your aunt Maddie on a personal level but I have an odd feeling she will make for a really cool aunt. Your uncle Kyle and his cousins Andrew and Nick were friends I strongly admired growing up. We will get to those stories at some point. Uncle Kyle can teach you to defend yourself against bullies. He was always a great friend and with out doubt always the life of the party. He is a great uncle to have and you should be very thankful.

My mother, grandma Bea, is the most amazing woman on the planet Silas. She and my father gave me an amazing life. I grew up in the same town you are being raised in. Waconia Minnesota. Ahhh yes. It's a safe and quite honestly a cozy caring community for you to grow up in. I've seen much worse. If my mother and father hadn't brought me to Waconia from South Korea I would have never met your mother and you would've never been born. My mother was robbed an amazing son that she deserved. Always love Grandma Bea twice as much. Always give her two big hugs, one for you and one for me. Please Silas. When you see her always remind her that I love her.

Your aunt Karrie is my only sister. Karrie will love you so much to the point where you wont even need me. Your aunt Karrie was always more brave than me, smarter than me, grew up faster than me and was much more responsible than me. I was horrible to her because I envied her little king. I was immature and selfish. When your aunt Karrie is around, I promise you, you will be safe.

Your grandpas Ken is the smartest man i've ever met and i've met alot of people Silas. He is a great man. When I was young I wanted to be him. The reason we grew distant is because he doesn't understand the man i've become and why I do the things I do. The truth is, I don't understand myself either, but I understand everyone else around me. My father gets along and is respected by every person he meets, but i'm the only other human he has conflict with. I am the only one. Sometimes Silas, we fear what is impossible to understand. I've told horrible lies about my father and none them were true. He is the greatest dad I could ever ask for and he is a good at everything. He knows the young me well, so he will be very observant of you and have great advice towards things you should do depending on what your strengths are. But always, do what you want, not what other people want you to do. Everything to achieve nothing to prove little king. Silas. You are extremely special. More than you know. You will bring happiness to those around you effortlessly. Help creating you was my purpose. My gift back to my family and your mothers. My father is the best man and husband this world has seen. Be thankful to have him in your life.

Your mother is the strongest, most generous, empathetic and amazing person. Not girl. Person. She has a fire inside her that is fgar too strong to burn out. A lot of men will want to take that fire from her but they wont be able to because your mother is too strong. A lot of people are intimidated by her the first time they meet her. I know I was. She was an adventure of happiness and sadness and all of the love that got lost in between. She has the power to make me laugh and fall apart in the same 24 hours. Allison... I know you will take care of him. He is special. You're surrounded by amazing people who you can rely on, both yours and my family. Your journey will be filled with less virulent pain without me in it. You deserve someone truly great. A partner who never makes you question your self worth. Someone who chases your happiness as much as their own. Who supports your passions. I hope you find someone you can laugh with, sit in silence with and share your deepest secrets with. A lover, a partner, and a friend all in one. Someone who treats you as their equal, who learns and grows with and beside you. Someone who respects your heart, family and your values. I hope you find someone who reminds you that you deserve the love you guve. A far greater person then I am capable of becoming. I kill myself while thinking about you and Silas. I've tried so hard to change but failed and now is at the end. Im broken. Trying to heal. Im lost. Always remember the 100 things. Unrequited love forever.

(Chapter 1)

I haven't much to offer anyone anymore but pain and 10,823 tears. Through all of my battles and journeys from Minnesota, Seoul and numerous visits to many different county jails, my mom and dad were always on my mind. I can no longer feel the air or sun or around me. Time never healed me and what didn't kill me never made me stronger. It crippled me. I deserve the this virulent pain, from the whiplash reaction, for being a piece of shit my whole life. I don't sorry for myself anymore. I don't want to blame others for my mistakes anymore. I was raised well and given everything and I made every single one of these decisions on my own. I am a monster with the gift of glad and a silver tongue. The amount of manipulation as a creature of habit might even give me the sobriquet of golden tongue. Silver doesn't do me justice and this in know way is a flex or brag. I promise, monsters still want to be loved. The tragedy of what could've been is nearly as crippling as what once was but can never be again.

Silas... please don't hate me little king. We will never have enough time. This is the way of the world. Once again a reminder; I will always always always be with you in spirit where you are safe from me. Time will be the remedy for your concerns Silas, and patience will always be the key to paradise. You have been left in the most loving safest hands. My parents and James and Rebecca H. are the best combination of grandparents anyone in the world could ever ask for and that is a fact. We got lucky Silas. You have great uncles and aunts on both sides of your family. Always be grateful. It's underrated and more people than just me and you would be wise to learn the ability. It's something i've never done but I am choosing to start now. Albert Einstein once said that you can live like everything in life is a miracle, or like nothing is. I am going to start living like everything in life is a miracle so I can be more like you Silas. I already know you will be a very thankful boy. Fall in love with everything you can little king. Whether its music or the wind in your hair, please, love everything.

Growing up all of my cousins lived far away. My dad had 3 brothers. Uncle Dave and his wife Aunt Anna. Uncle Larry and his wife Aunt Sheryl. Uncle Tom and Aunt Donna. You have the fortune of growing up with your uncles and aunts all around you! and your cousins! and your both of your grandparents!! Thank goodness right? That's a miracle and I am just as grateful as you. My mother had four siblings. Uncle George and his wife Aunt Shal Fong. My independent Auntie Corr. Uncle Allen and Aunt Donna. Aunt Janet and Uncle Greg. All of these uncles and aunts lived all over Illinois so I didn't grow up with them like you will be able to, but they did give me great cousins.

Erik and Erin were my uncle Dave and aunt Anna's kids. Erik was always my favorite cousin. We were close to the same age and I always admired Erik's extreme confidence. I always thought my cousin Erin was really cool and very beautiful just like her mom. Dad's youngest brother Tommy was adopted just like me. After my fathers parents split up and re-married my grandpa Norman married Merilynn and adopted her son uncle Tom. Uncle Tom and Aunt Donna had 2 children, Greg and Sophie. At that age Greg and Sophie were young. They remind me of your cousins Quinley and Jet. They will be older than you. My uncle George used to be a business man in China. It is there where he met my aunt Shal Fong. They gave me three cousin; George, Joseph and Michael. They lived in China, Illinois and Seattle so we didnt see them much as I grew old. My Uncle Al and Aunt Doris brought my cousins, John and Emily into the world. They were both filled with knowledge beyond their years. Last but not least my aunt Janet and uncle Greg brought cousin Charlie into the world. Handsome as could be with eyes that could take you in. Charlie is much younger than I and I was at the age of being a stubborn teens so we never grew close, probably for the best. My aunt Janet and Uncle Greg were my favorite duo. I always loved watching them interact. Uncle Greg was charismatic and funny just as beautiful aunt Janet was funny. They complimented each other very well. Since I was a little boy I always thought my aunt Janet was beautiful. I remember a blur of sunlight crawling across her curly black hair while she was climbing a tree while pregnant with Charlie. Such a bad ass. Such a free spirit. My uncle Larry and Aunt Corrine had no children but I always found their blunt honest and care free spirits were refreshing. Another perspective. I miss all of those family's I never really knew...

My grandpa Norm was known to me as grandpa magic. He had magic tricks that dazzled me and drew me in. Im curious about things I don't know or understand. 21 cards, 3 rows of 7, 3 times. Always put their row in the middle. The 4th time it will always be the 4th card in the row. I will always remember. You have an Grandpa's Silas. Better men than my grandparents and I had good ones. My other grandpa Lorr was a home body. He and my grandma made my mother so I will always love them. They were extreme collectors. Hoarders one could say. They collected too much. Grandma Jean re-married to grandpa Arby, a retired war vet. He and my grandma would ride Harley Davidson motorcycles. Grandma Jean was known as grandma marsh mellow because she would give me and Karrie marsh mellows as snacks. She was my favorite Grandparent hands down. They lived on a farm in Belle Plain with their 3 horses Nicki, Ranashana and I cant remember the third horses name... hmmm... that's not like me to forget. We would feed them apples out of our hands and fill their feed buckets with raw corn. I would watch homeward bound in their basement while playing with Arby's plastic army men. Perfect shiny men all lined up as I pleased and could all be knocked down with one flick of my finger. I miss grandma sometimes. She would get me little animal figurines on the day I came from Korea, she called it my anniversary.

"He is not an evil person. He's a decent person, one could say, with abilities that exceed those of most people. If you give him a closer look there is even a hint of nobility in him... yet... there is a hole in his heart, an empty space that attracts abnormal and the dangerous. It is there that the problem lies..."

Most 5 month babies aren't on a 17 hour flight besides the many other adopted souls from South Korea. Someone much wiser than me once told me that every human being is a book, and now this is mine. My auto biography and story of how I became one of the biggest fuck boys this world has had to witness, but even monsters have hearts and heartbreakers still have stories. I have lost everyone I have ever loved on my journey of life. I have lost the respect of my mother and father, my younger sister, the pets I adopted and ended up places unknown to me, and every woman I have ever loved and hurt. This autobiography will be the first honest thing I have ever done in life for myself. This isn't for you its for me.

This autobiography will let my surreptitious truths be known by everyone who's lives ive come into. It will immortalize all of the people ive ever and hurt. Before we start if you have ever been traumatized by me in anyway I hope you're not here but if you are you you have the option right now to stop reading because its easy to love a lie but this is all going to be true so this autobiography might wake some skeletons in the closet. Everyone in my life has had to put up with this devil like bullshit from me that they never bargained for nor expected. I really am sorry now and honestly I wasn't sorry until now. My family and the women that have been in my life deserve it more than anyone. If you think your son or boyfriend was horrible I implore you to keep reading, this will remind you to be thankful and that it could always be worse. This is dedicated to my mother and father Beatrice Marie Osborn - Lorr and Kenneth Dean Osborn. I love you both forever. I am so sorry. To my younger sister Karrie Hye Kim Osborn, sorry I wasn't the brother you deserved. You only got one brother for your one life and you got stuck with me through adoption of all people.