My Love is Stronger Than My Fear of Death

Being adult is having the “We have food at home” talk with yourself

You could leave an empty basket of candy out on Halloween with a sign that says “Take two” people would just assume some asshole kid took all the candy and not that you are the asshole

Nothing will ever make you doubt yourself more than walking past a group of 12 year old girls, then hearing laughter

You only have five minutes left to live, but every time you take a breath the clock restarts.

When you get a new laptop do you get a new FBI agent assigned to you? Or is it the same person who’s watched you since you’ve played club penguin when you were ten

Sharpening your pencil at the bin was the childhood equivalent of taking a cigarette break.

if there’s a prize for rotten judgement i guess ive already won that!!! no man is worth the aggravation!!!! that’s ancient history been there done that!!!

who you think you're kiddin!!! he's the earth and heaven to you; tryna keep it hidden-- honey we can see right through:

nobody likes the “bad boys” who insult and degrade their partners while wearing pastel polos with popped collars, people like REAL bad boys who wear leather jackets and take a lot of care in how they shape their pompadour and carry around stiletto switchblades and care about their communities and ride a motorcycle and rebel against the government and says stuff like “NOBODY insults my gal” and gets in fistfights with dudes who catcall their girlfriends. THOSE bad boys are the guys everyone wants.

nobody likes the “bad boys” who insult and degrade their partners while wearing pastel polos with popped collars, people like REAL bad boys who wear leather jackets and take a lot of care in how they shape their pompadour and carry around stiletto switchblades and care about their communities and ride a motorcycle and rebel against the government and says stuff like “NOBODY insults my gal” and gets in fistfights with dudes who catcall their girlfriends. THOSE bad boys are the guys everyone wants.

Magical Boy of Body Positivity

This is beautiful

my friend called me on the phone from the library to tell me he’d been chased by a mountain lion and he thought he might have vomited up blood and I was in the middle of scrubbing my car and having a heat stroke god my life keeps getting fucking weirder

mind you this is my friend who is the total chronic disaster who got into that knife fight in the middle school parking lot so I’m used to giving him shitty advice but this summer since I don’t talk on the phone he texts me every other day with some new terrible strange twist that has happened in his life like “my girlfriend almost got kidnapped” “there are three centipedes in my bed!” “I almost got mugged again” like normally I would just go help him but I’m 4 hours away now and it’s like he forgets GXHRVGSHFV

your friend is a protagonist

this I’m aware of I’m his sidekick and the epitome of the nerd best friend archetype but still it is my civic duty to complain

Getting friends in to musicals is hard because when they ask what it’s about you have to be like “15 year olds having sex” or “a plant from outer space that takes over the world” or “teenagers killing people for fun” or “Alexander Hamilton”