Look up to the skies and see

“c’mere angel,” dean hums, eyes blown wide with desire as he beckons cas closer before tugging on his tie to pull cas onto the bed.

“just because you’re an angel,” dean mutters under his breath as he’s moving the last traces of the fight with the vamps, shooting a look at cas that’s half annoyed and half impressed.

“knock it off, angel,” dean says, humor laced in his tone as he plucks the whisk from cas’ hand and shakes his head at cas’ attempt to mix the batter.

“hey angel,” dean murmurs softly as cas climbs into bed and dean wraps his arms around cas’ waist as he pulls him closer; kissing cas’ cheeks and eyebrows and then finally, his lips.

“has anyone seen my angel?” dean calls from the hallway and cas looks up from his book, smiling as he calls back to dean that he’s in the library.

“oh, it’s on, angel,” dean says, snagging the extra water gun from the porch as he chases cas around the garden.

“this one’s my angel, go get your own,” dean dares, sliding a hand possessively along cas’ back as he stakes his claim.

“I love you, angel,” dean whispers into cas’ ear, and cas can feel the confession wrapping around his Grace and setting his entire being racing with adoration.

jensen ackles exists in heartstopper, so my headcanon is nick and charlie go to the costume party as dean and cas. tao is gutted by their bad taste.

WHICH NOBODY ASKED ABOUT

okay, so right now - i make no predictions for how i will feel about this in two minutes - right now i am thinking it has to be the cw sniper or concern for the possible effect on jensen’s career/family that had him backpedaling on this.

he brought up bisexuality apropos of NOTHING. No reason to mention it, no reason to say “I’m all three!” no reason to double-down later… except that he wanted to come out. that feels genuine to me. it just does. it didn’t feel like a joke of any kind, it felt like a pre-planned bit he did, for the reason that he wanted it on the record that he’s bi.

An audience member only said he didn’t raise his hand for any of them.

He could have easily just gone into the story about how he used to consider himself an introvert but now is more of an extrovert.

Friday was such a win.

It seemed so genuine. And you can tell the moment it really hits him what he said.

It was such a Misha thing to do. It was such a no disaster thing to do (and we know his catch phrase is “it seemed like a good idea at the time).

If it wasn’t true, one would think at that point he would have said something. Or at the least politely asked people to not post that, that he hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

But then he kept bring up the word bisexual. And even agreed that all poets are bisexual.

I don’t know what happened after.

But it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts.

That his fans got slammed all weekend from biphobes saying that it wasn’t what he said (when it was literally what he said). That we were confused and didn’t know what we were talking about.

You know, the normal biohobic arguments.

And on Monday, three days later, Misha gave that audience the fuel they needed to further antagonize and berate his queer fans.

And I can’t help but feel he chose them over us. Because… it was easier?

I don’t know. I just.

In order to keep going, I have to assume there are Things ™ happening behind the scenes that we may never be privy to, which forced him to recant. I have no way of knowing that’s the case, but on the other hand I CANNOT believe that he’s straight, nor that he would intentionally lie for literally no purpose in telling queer fans that he too is queer. I know he can be cavalier and that he plays up a certain fecklessness, but that kind of lie, in that moment with that audience, would verge on actual malice.

The other possibility, if it can be called that, is that he is currently wrestling with his own sexuality. HARD TO BELIEVE, I KNOW. But it wouldn’t be the first time that a person in their 40s suddenly realized “hey, all that gay sex I’ve had maybe, just maybe, means that I’m not actually straight.” I should know…. IT HAPPENED TO ME. At the age of 41, I finally realized I had the final say on my own sexuality and could indeed call myself bisexual even if I’d never officially dated a woman or trans person).

And it’s hard to believe all of our gaydar is that broken.

But I think that it was because he has been SO careful to not label himself, to then hear him seemingly (I guess) label himself as bisexual and be comfortable with that. It was amazing.

And I don’t mean for me, as a queer fan (though yes, I did count it as a win), but I was SO HAPPY FOR HIM!

That Misha was finally okay with it and okay with a label and had figured himself out.

That it seemed to then say he didn’t want to talk about his sexuality, even though he was then saying he was straight… was like “what?”

There was no way.

I kept thinking I was reading it wrong. Or that I was missing something.

Because the ONE thing I was 💯 certain of, was that he wasn’t going to recant.

There was no way he would do that.

Because there was no way that could have been an accident. Because he had literally set himself up for that!

The way there was such a long pause, it felt like he was waiting for someone to ask him where does he fall in the list. Or maybe like he was wrestling with whatever he planned to say next.

And I know we are supposed to take people at their word when they share their identity. And I feel like a horrible person bc I would be a horrible person if the reverse was true.

But I kind of don’t believe him.

There’s too much evidence to the contrary.

And I’m not even talking about cockles. That’s a whole other beast.

I’m talking about just things he’s done and said on his own.

Because as you said, and I’ve seen on other posts too, that if he actually is straight then all of the gay jokes were inappropriate and harmful because he chose to be ambiguous in his sexuality and just let fans think he’s whatever we wanted to think.

I just guess I wish we could like sit him down and find out what he was thinking. But we’ll never know.

I just hope the rest of his fans don’t suffer at the hands of the antis who are probably having a field day of saying “I told you so.”

well, that still doesn't make sense, though? i mean, i agree that the question was inappropriate and shouldn't have been asked, but all he had to do was say "i'm an introvert," because he's previously called himself an introvert. he didn't have to say "i'm all three," because that doesn't even really make sense as an answer, no one is an introvert AND an extrovert; you're supposed to pick ONE of the options to the question. he's handled plenty of awkward questions before, he knows how to avoid saying things he doesn't feel comfortable talking about.

and then there was the stands email today promoting bi merch with "introvert or extrovert" as the subject line? like, misha would've had to sign off on that since he owns the company, right?

idk, this is just a guess, but i feel like misha has some sort of deep-seated trauma or fear regarding coming out. i mean, he's never been afraid to be "weird" and he's never been afraid to loudly hint at being queer, but there seems to be some sort of terror in him for actually saying it. this feels like some sort of petrified backpedaling to me.

Except, Misha Collins was the one who, unprompted, asked “By show of force, who would consider themselves to be an introvert? An extrovert? A bisexual?”

There was a lot of cheering, not just hand raising, for the last one. He stood there chuckling for a moment and seemed to be putting his thoughts together. The wheels seemed to be turning.

And the silence continued.

A fan then said, “Misha, you didn’t raise your hand for any of them.”

At that point, he could have just gone into his story about how he used to consider himself to be an introvert but then became more extroverted and realized he didn’t want to be alone after a panel or ops or whatever.

No one made him go, “I’m all three.”

And before he got into his introvert turned extrovert story, he literally said it would have been weird if he just asked how many bisexuals were in the room, so he had to feather it in with other questions in order to make it socially acceptable.

There was no one making him say anything.

And honestly, I don’t know how any of this was an accident or misspoken.

Especially when then he continued to mention bisexuals.

At one point he then said there are a lot of poets and bisexuals in the room.

An audience member said “all poets are bisexual” and his response was “that’s true. Very good point. It’s like a self-selecting audience.”

The man literally doubled down ten minutes later.

say he’s actually straight and it was all a weird fiasco. alright then. but what if this is him climbing back into the closet because the thing had bigger consequences than he’d anticipated? then it’s terrible. are we willing to assume the former when it can be the latter?

there are reasons for him to climb back into the closet. it’s not just about him. if the media points a spotlight at him and starts digging into his personal history - and god we all know what they would find - who gets dragged into the mess? regardless of whether they’d get dragged in for real reasons or just mistakenly. we have cockles tunnel vision around here so we mostly focus on that but. darius just won oscars, he’s a public figure too. he brought misha as his date to the fucking thing. as long as no one’s publicly out nobody really looks much into these things (heteronormativity ham slices etc etc) but once the media knows one is queer? speculation starts and hell knows where it ends. vicki is such a private person that it’s possible that misha’s growing visibility was one of the things that put strain on their relationship. what would a spotlight on her do? everyone’s families and children, how would that impact them?

and yes, these are cockles thoughts, and yes it’ll probably get a little tinhatty, but i don’t care. we’re doing what we’re doing tonight, aren’t we?

anyway, first of all, a label doesn’t define a relationship. 

okay that’s out of the way. 

onto what i think it’s going on. 

i think… 

that in the course of his marriage and experimentation and all that, over the years, it’s mostly been with another women, by vicki’s own words in her book. it feels like that was the trend. one or two dudes thrown into the mix isn’t enough i think for someone like misha to want to call himself queer. idk if it ticked enough boxes for him. labels mean different things to different people personally when presented with them. 

time goes by, meets jackles. things hit off. a friend mentioned men in woods sounded tentative, and i agree, and i’m sure plenty of y’all felt that too. i am also one of those little monsters that thinks it’s about jackles, personally. 

like he did not intiate anyhting in that poem. something happened in that poem for it to be included at the end of that section of love, especially when the first poem in that section is about someone else making, i assumed vicki, happier than misha made her feel. i’m free for different interpretations on that, since i’m admittedly not that great with poetry lol.

so the last poem to me, MIW, is about someone who makes him feel happy.

but god as my witness i don’t think he thinks a a few trysts as part of a threesome or whatever with a dude over the course of his marriage and then one relationship that’s really deep in several kinds of ways with one other man is enough to convince misha he’s anything but straight with some fluidity thrown in there.

i think he’s been opening up more, however. i and a lot of others, maybe you reading this was thinking that too. that cas and pride month post, wearing pride merch outside of pride month etc etc. 

one thing from his thread that stood out to me was this 

i think he needs to talk about it. Or wants to talk about it even. last week, or so, there was an article published by Natalie Fisher. in there she talked about that little cas essay thing that we always hoped he’d publish. in there he said this:

so i don’t think he thinks he’s queer enough to get a queer label or talk in these spaces. 

before I go on, i just want to preface this by saying i do respect where he wants to land. if he says he’s something, by golly i’ll salute and say ‘yes sir’ because it’s his life and that’s what he wants. but straight doesn’t mean the frat bro down the road who has a massive pick up truck and will constantly tell you that it’s only boobs babes and beer in his brain. like that’s not everything. 

there’s a no mans land between what someone can perceive bisexuality or pansexuality to mean, and what they perceive straight to be. i don’t know his definitions. i don’t know how he looks at these things. but we know he’s been kissed by another man, been on a camping trip with them, skinny dipped in a ‘shallow stream’, and whatever stuff was in vicki’s book. we also know his other little quips over the years that have indicated more or less why we thought he’d land in Queerland USA. 

clearly that didn’t happen. and personally, and i’m not saying this to invalidate him, but personally i think what he needed is to talk to people about this. idk maybe he’s doing it IRL and we’re naturally not privvy to it. but again, i go back to this part of his tweet

and how he brought up even bisexuality in a little comment about being introverted or extroverted. he didn’t have to do that. and he didn’t have to make the other comments too. 

i think he wants to discuss it, or wanted to. 

but his quip [adhd is a curse] flew too close to the sun. i absolutely do not think the media would have picked up on it if we weren’t parading it around everywhere. but i also fault the media as well, publishing these articles about him without speaking with him, even getting facts wrong about his personal life. everyone has skin in this horribile game so we may as well own up to it. there’s no different between a reporter assuming what his words meant, and us assuming what his words meant. 

so again, i do think that he wanted to talk about it but it’s been a hard conversation to have. 

and now idk if we’ll ever get it. 

the press got ahold of it and once it hit people magazine, i think this is what happened [warning, tinfoil on!]:

1) he now realized he couldn’t really talk about it anymore. 

2) i truly think those articles were a little scary and was getting out of hand. the articles named his children and his ex wife. he has to make sure they’re okay. his kids are getting older, they’re online now. idk if they have twitter or anything but peers may, and peers may see his name trending and click on it wondering what’s going on. protect the family. 

3) any confirmation that he considers himself slightly off the path of straight now opens up people to pry into his private life. you know what’s just beneath the surface of ‘is misha bi????’

cockles shit. you don’t think the press can find this stuff? someone posted about them living together after that tweet last summer, based off of information they had received [which, unrelated but slightly related, very not cool at all wtf]. you don’t think a journalist won’t find misha’s poly comments? his wife’s book? dig up old gossip on jensen of all people? and i bring him up especially because that man has already had gossip columnists accusing him of being gay since early in his career. there were gossip blogs claiming j2 were a thing so much — why would misha want him to go through that again? takes maybe a night of digging through things and receipts. we documented that shit well. 

so that leads me to 

4) protect friends, but especially jensen. like okay again, very VERY tinhatty, but if we’re taking an objective eye to this, it’s clear that even if they’re just friends, they’re pretty damn good friends. with all the jokes over the years, all of our own receipts and speculation, all of the past context a journalist needs to dig up rumors that jensen is, once again, ~*gaaay! oooohhh!!!*~ that’s not great news. 

and from there that’s how Dee gets roped into it, that’s how THEIR kids get roped into it. they’ve had to deal with these allegations before, and they’re pretty private as a family. don’t want to drag people through that. 

so

if misha decided to yoink a label that he didn’t feel comfortable yoinking in the first place, but decided to yoink a queer label without meaningful discussions with people about his sexuality, like he clearly has on his mind, then that would have opened up family, friends, family OF the friends, his whole life up, others’ whole lives up…

and we know what hollywood does to men when this happens. 

no, i don’t think misha intentionally sabotaged himself in the name of cockles or whatever, but i do think this is a multi-faceted thing.