I’m A Believer...

“I’ve never had the opportunity to do such a thing.” Cas looked down at his vessel, no at his body, his very human body, and frowned. “I’m afraid I’d be no good like this. Perhaps when I was still an angel-“

“Oh, no no, Cas. Angel grace would have been cheating. You gotta experience it as a human.” The grin spread across Dean’s face even as he let out a groan.

Sitting back against the wall of one of the halls in the bunker that he had stopped in when he saw Cas walking toward him, Dean appraised Cas and his jittery demeanor.

“Alright. What do you say, Cas? How about you and I one night, we hit the lanes? Maybe for Cosmic Bowl?” Dean snorted at the thought of Castiel, former angel of the Lord, playing Cosmic Bowling. There was something ironic there.

Cas looked back at him, with his trademark squint and frown, as though he were trying to puzzle something out.

Dean wasn’t sure what was confusing him, and let out a chuckle as he figured Cas was probably trying to figure out Cosmic Bowling. But he continued to just stand there patiently, waiting for Cas to figure out whatever it is he wanted to say.

Things had been tense the last couple of weeks, since they had rescued Cas from the Empty. The words he’s spoken in the dungeon hanging over them.

Cas had come to Dean a few days after his return, sheepish and looking slightly afraid.

Dean hated that look on Cas. But he knew it was his fault. That Cas was probably thinking of the last time he had been human, and Dean had kicked him out of the bunker, out of his home.

This time though, Dean wanted to make things better and easier for Cas.

So when he’s come knocking on Dean’s bedroom door, Dean made the effort to give him a wide grin when he poked his head in and asked if they could talk, and then made it very clear that he didn’t expect anything from Dean, and he didn’t want things to be uncomfortable between the and he would very much like it if they could continue on as they had been. That Dean would always be his best friend. And he hoped Dean still considered him as his best friend.

It took a moment, as Dean sat there and stared at Cas, before he’d been able to find his tongue, and assured Cas that nothing had to change. They were still best friends and the bunker was still his home.

But, even though they said nothing would change, things still seemed a little tense. So Dean wanted to make sure that Cas’ human experience was better this time. Especially since this time it was going to stick and there was no going back to being an angel.

Hence, Cosmic Bowling.

“Cosmic Bowling?” Cas asked, sounding unsure.

“Yeah, it’ll be fun. There’s lights and music. We can get some food and drinks brought to our lane.” Dean started to fidget. He suddenly thought maybe it wasn’t his greatest idea.

Cas considered him for another moment. Frown deepening.

“That sounds… fun.”

Dean went to open his mouth, most likely to ask why Cas looked like the idea seemed anything but fun.

But Cas plowed on before he could say anything else.

“It also sounds like… well, like… a date.”

Dean froze. Eyes wide.

Cas stared at him, took in his reaction.

“Not a date,” Cas clarified.

“No, um, no…” Dean tried to think of something to say but his heart was beating so fast and all he could hear in his head was static.

“Do… did… do you want it to be a date?” Dean’s voice had dropped to a whisper, so low that at first he thought Cas might not have heard without his angelic hearing.

And it was a stupid question. Dean knew that. Of course, Cas would want it to be a date, Dean thought, thinking of Cas’ words before the Empty came and took him.

“Dean…”

He hated how Cas’ voice said his name with a sigh, low and resigned.

“You know what? Yeah, Cas, it’s a date.”

And if he sounded a bit breathless and felt like his chest was being squeezed, Dean would never admit to it.

He’d also never admit that he used to think of their outings as dates. Or, at least, that he would fantasize about how different they would be if they were dates.

But Dean couldn’t help but feel another kind of tightness in his chest as he watched Cas’ lips twitch in what he recognized as Cas trying to hide a smile.

“Cas? Would you like to go on a date with me?” His voice sounded a little more sure, and he stood a little bit straighter.

But he also couldn’t help but to hold his breath, hoping that things with Cas hadn’t changed. Or at least that they hadn’t changed that much.

He wasn’t sure what he’d do if he were reading the situation wrong.

But he needn’t have worried, as Cas’ smile slowly spread across his face. As though he only just realized Dean was genuine and not teasing him.

They then tried Anna. Who said Dean could be angelsexual? They say, okay let's see if he can get together with this cute pretty little angel. Once again, she's the type that (they think) Dean would fall in love with. They paved the road for Dean again, meta-universely. They worry Dean would find it unacceptable to date a nonhuman inhabiting a human body, something too similar to the monsters he’s hunting, which might end up becoming the obstacle that prevents them together, so they thought about it carefully and fixed it way earlier than they even met, giving Anna a humanly natural-born body. Of all the angels, Anna is the only one whose body is her own, not taken, not possessed, not a vessel, but a real body. The only one (they think) Dean has an actual chance to fall in love and be together with. They make them have the "last night on Earth" talk and actually try the sweet make love scene. But once again, it doesn't work. The forced sex tension doesn't work, the forced mutual attraction doesn't work; there is just not enough chemistry. So they had to give up Anna, just like they gave up Bela, killing her off in the end.

We're not even starting to talk about Lisa and the one-year living-together and the kid that very much likely is Dean's own son (if they choose to settle with that storyline).

And then there is Castiel, who they totally didn't plan anything, didn't think anything would happen. Cas should just functionally smooth the plot problem, bring Dean back, and that's it. But Dean decides no, he'll hang on tight with this angel; he doesn't mind he's in a male body; he doesn't mind he's possessing a poor vessel, not having his own body; he doesn't mind he isn't even human; he doesn't mind this angel is everything no one think he'd be romantically or sexually interested, he's nerdy, dorky, unaware of any pop culture, doesn't flirt back, so not his usual type. But it just works. And Cas decides he'll choose Dean too, helping him out every chance he can, sacrificing himself for Dean every year. They try to take Cas away from Dean, meta-universely kill Cas off, multiple times. But this time, this is the thing that doesn't work. Dean can't move on. Every day when Cas isn't there, Dean is miserable, pained, aching, ready to kill himself. They can't move the story forward without Cas coming back, so they just have to bring Cas back, and Dean is content again and able to continue his life.

Who said fictional characters don't get to have free will to decide their own fate?

God (Writer/studio): Bela will be your partner. You'll like her. The two of you can have as much sex as you want. Dean: No. God: Anna will be your partner. She's an angel, and the two of you already had sex and you can have so much more. Dean: No. God: This is Cas, don't mind him, he's just here for like a minute and you'll never see him again. Dean: I'm keeping him. We love each other. I'll spend the rest of my life with him.

Tommy's head snapped up. He wasn't expecting anyone.

Bang bang bang.

He crossed to the door, pulled it open and then froze. A very pissed off Evan Buckley stood on his doorstep. Before Tommy could say a word, Buck pushed past him and strode into the house.

"Hello, Evan. Would you like to come in?" Tommy asked sarcastically.

"You didn't come." Buck spun to face him, voice tight with anger. "I needed you and you didn't come. That's our thing, Tommy. You're always there when I need you, and I know it's not fair but fuck—" His voice broke, dropping to a whisper. "I needed you."

Tommy took in Buck's red-rimmed eyes, the dress blues he was still wearing. His heart sank.

"Evan...I..." Tommy began.

"I felt so alone, Tommy." Buck's voice cracked. "I just stood there as they dedicated the station and I felt numb. Empty. Hollow. The Robert Wade Nash Memorial Station." His hands clenched into fists. "I hate it. I hate it almost as much as the stupid baby name Maddie and Chim chose, and I'm sad and I'm angry and you weren't there."

"Evan, I couldn't." Tommy's voice was barely above a whisper. "I couldn't face any of you when it's my fault."

"Were you hiding another vial of the antidote somewhere?" Buck demanded.

"Well, no—"

"You're the reason Chimney lived, Tommy. Bobby didn't die because of you." Buck's voice broke. "Bobby died because the world is cruel and..." He sucked in a shaky breath, tears streaming down his face. "I miss him, Tommy. I miss him so much and everything hurts all the time and you weren't there."

"Sweetheart," Tommy whispered, barely stopping himself from pulling Buck into a hug.

"I had you and my life was so fucking good. Even the shitty stuff like Gerard was okay because I had you. And then you broke up with me and the world started to crumble." Buck's voice grew raw. "Maddie was kidnapped and Eddie left and then Bobby. It's been hell, Tommy. And it's been so much worse because I haven't had you."

"I'm a coward, Evan," Tommy said quietly.

"I just don't understand why." Buck shook his head. "You left me, Tommy. I wanted forever. And you just left me alone in my kitchen."

"Ev..." Tommy tried, but Buck wasn't finished.

"And then you did it again." Buck's eyes were red and angry and heartbroken all at once. "I know I said stupid things both times, but Tommy, I do that. I say stupid things. I'm wired like that. I speak before I think things through." His voice cracked. "But you didn't even give me a chance to explain."

"I did it because I was scared, Evan. You are so bright and sparkly and you brought so much sunshine into my life. Everything was different and so much better, and I knew it was just a matter of time." Tommy's voice broke. "I don't get to keep nice things. I never have. So I ran before you saw the cracks and realized I wasn't enough."

"Tommy, what does that even mean? Enough?" Buck's hands trembled. "You were enough for me. You were everything. I felt like myself for the first time in years because of you. And not because you're a man, Tommy. My bisexuality has nothing to do with it. It was because of you. You and your stupid cleft and your terrible taste in coffee. Your questionable Star Wars opinions and the fact that you eat your steak well done." His voice cracked again. "I love you and you took that away from me."

"I thought I was doing the right thing," Tommy said quietly.

"Right for who? Because it sure as hell wasn't right for me."

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Tommy said.

"Why are we still doing this?" Buck asked, his voice breaking.

"Doing what?" Tommy asked carefully.

"Tommy, I am so mad at you. I am so sad and angry, but all I want right now is for you to hold me." Buck's shoulders slumped. "Because you make things better. You have my heart, you idiot. Just stop trying to fight it."

Tommy stood frozen for a moment, then closed the distance between them and pulled Buck into his arms.

"Stop leaving," Buck whispered. "I can't do this alone. I can't do life alone. We can be scared together, Tommy. Don't break my heart to protect yours."

Tommy's arms tightened around him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Evan."

"I am too, but I meant what I said before, Tommy. I love you and I need you." Buck's voice was muffled against Tommy's chest. "Please let me keep you."

"Oh baby..." Tommy pressed his lips to Buck's hair. "I love you too."