The Blue Notebook

Mit hjerte banker spidse tanker rundt i mit hoved, i en flod af blod og kaffegrums, og min lille trommehindeslager har taget de buldrende stikker med Mine lunger er frosne mens sveden leger springvand Myrerne på min hud har glemt at gå i takt og tonen i min mund bliver lydløst mere skinger Mit kranie det vil implodere og eksplodere, helst begge kombineret, og mens kindtænderne spiller en skurrende symfoni, er mine muskler ved at sprænges for at spændes, så mine negle leder efter mit skelet. Og tiden er søvnig, men hvordan skulle jeg kunne sove?

Mens deres rødder alt for hurtigt gror ud og ned og fast, mærker jeg mulden falde fra mine egne. Det, jeg troede mig solidt plantet i, smuldres, spredes og ældes, og vinden fyger mellem mine nøgne tæer. Kan jeg stadig stå? Mit hjerte kryber sig ved tanken om, hvor sikkert jeg endelig havde ladet mig selv tro, dette rodnet var. Hvor tilfredst jeg var blændet og ikke kunne se maskerne blive større. Verden svajer om mig, som muldresterne trækker vand af mine øjne, og jeg griber om en sky for ikke at falde. Men skyer er bare vanddamp. Måske er det tid til at flå mig løs og løbe videre.

De hækler. De fucking hækler. Hækler grydelapper! Og går op i at finde en vin der komplimenterer den hjemmelavede bønnepaté og de nyerhvervede krystalglas. Har blev der af den billigste fra Netto? Pommes fra den lokale kebabbar? Farvede fucking plastikkopper, der ikke smadrer hvis man, lidt for fuld, vælter et på gulvet, så man bare kan krampegrine af det sammen? De flytter sammen med kæresten og drømmer om børn og brudekjoler og fucking bornholmerure. Hvad med de detaljerede planlægninger af weekendens scoringer, den forpinte erkendelse af at intet gik efter planen, og den lettede latter når det hele bare er blevet endnu en historie? Bliver vi også bare endnu en historie?

THIS IS WHY I HATE YOU No, not you in particular It's nothing personal THIS IS WHY I HATE YOU AS A CONCEPT It's stupid and unrealistic and of course you don't read every message thinking it might mean something else (Like I do) So why do I still send them? It's foolish and irrational and of course you don't check to see if your text is seen but not answered (Like I do) So why do I still ignore you? It's unreasonable and unfair and of course you have your own thoughts to attend to and can't read the ones I send So why do I still expect you to? It's idiotic and hypocritical and of course you don't always want me exactly and only when I need you to So why does everything hurt when you don't? Or just when I think you might do slightly less? It's ridiculous and self-centered and of course when you act distant you're thinking of a bad day or a game you lost or a puzzle you can't solve and definitely not about me but what if it's me?? What if it IS me??? THIS IS WHY I HATE ME

Verden findes ikke. Der er kun varmen fra trygheden Bundet tæt omkring mig Ligegyldige ord flyder roligt Men er uvurderligt spændende Fordi de kommer fra dig Mine fingre tegner tonefald på dit bryst Mine læber kysser punktummerne på din tunge Og mit hjerte kravler ud og vil være med i dansen Verden findes ikke. Det må den godt blive ved med.

You could be my paradise My mandatory heaven Where I end if I succeed A place where all is pleasant I am scared of fairytales Of what they hold and promise Hypnotized by opium Restrained by sleeping calmness Why is Eden not enough? I want more purgatory Why does every thing I do Come down to making stories?

Looking over the shoulder Of old, filled pages The scribbles form an arrow That hits right in the middle I almost forgot how serious the wound was Memory is always a dulling lense You were no Robin Hood But I truly did love you And now the scars are still empty All hope of filling them is lost I couldn't do that to you The only thing left for us now Is to pick up the broken arrow From our chests And apply a thick cloud of memory fog

Fireworks were always exaggerated Butterflies a mere fleeting detail Smiling to the thought of your face Relating to all those songs Everyone else being colorless Missing your touch through my bones The cringeless idea of a future I am suddenly living in an Unrealistic fairytale That I was always so sure Couldn't possibly exist

I ly af lukkede øjenlåg Toner ansigtet frem Så tæt på mit Den ene hånd som net Under mit hår Den anden som fjer I min mave Endelig mødes munde Endelig klamres kroppe … En bold i luften Endnu et forgangent ansigt Plastik, der skulle være gummi Pasta mast under en gaffel Farver i lysløs forvirring Ærgerligt slås øjnene op

Your flowers make me sad Because I know you would give me a forest And my spoiled heart doesn't know What to do with a twig It keeps searching for a fish Between the branches Why is every bird in the world Just not enough?

Mother, I am sorry For bringing you this worry I'll miss your laugh I'll miss your hugs And your unconditional love Father, I am sorry For seeing you even less I'll miss your insights I'll miss your strength And the smell of safety Sister, I am sorry For leaving you yet again I'll miss our jokes I'll miss your understanding And never being alone Sister, I am sorry For missing out so much I'll miss your energy I'll miss your bright eyes And the was only a child can love Stars, I am sorry For leaving you up there I'll miss the light you bring I'll miss the ever present haven And all the familiar faces Here my only solace, I know Your love will be there to embrace me As soon as I return

You ask to see my flaws To tell me they’re not real You want to wipe my tears By denying their existence You’re perfect just the way you are Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise Don’t you think I’ve heard that Enough To know what it means That my thoughts scream truth That you just don’t want me to listen Do you think I don’t notice The only time anyone calls me beautiful Is when their dick is going limb inside me? And you judge me for wanting to sleep with strangers.

Never have I cried With this big a grin Never have tears rolled From such sheer wonder How do they not see? How do they not love? Surrounded by fake priests Who never look up They only see what's in front Do they not dare? Are they afraid they won't find The miracle they search for? If so, they are blind. What greater wonder could exist That one that pulls screams of joy From tear soaked faces

Jeg skriver det nu I tilfælde af at hukommelsen skulle fejle Hvis jeg nu skulle glemme hvad det var jeg forlod Hvis jeg nu skulle glemme hvad der kunne have været. Glem nu ikke de små ryk af indespærret glæde over verdens forunderlighed Glem nu ikke Hvordan hjertet gik i stå når han holdt dig så tæt at stykkerne samledes Glem nu ikke hvordan han kyssede dine hænder som var hver kno en rose Glen nu ikke hvordan han stræber efter godhed mildhed, åbenhed og accept Glem nu ikke hvor tæt han er på at opnå alle disse Glem nu ikke at han rejste i timer med blomster han end ikke selv kunne overrække Glem nu ikke at han beskrev dig som sin kæreste og hvor godt det faktisk lød Glem nu ikke hvordan han lytter og svarer på det, du siger Glem nu ikke de fjedrende hop for at nå dig hurtigere Glem nu ikke de smukke og sjældne ord så naturlige som dit smil Glem nu ikke de eventyrlige verdener bag hans øjne og i hans ord Glem nu ikke hvordan han fik dig til at smile selv når savnet knugede Glem nu ikke at savnet faktisk var knugende og sengen milevid af mangel Glem nu ikke hvordan du så en fremtid for dig hvor meget du end forsøgte at lade være Glem nu ikke hvordan jeres kroppe smeltede sammen og jeres sind var enige om smeltepunktet Glem nu ikke at han valgte dig nøjagtigt som du valgte ham Glem nu ikke hvor stor en klump din hals har nu.

If only you were as absent on my mind As you are on my body

Please don’t love me I will shower you with passion Make you think I’m in love Comb your hair and stare deeply intoyour eyes Sing you love songs and lullabies And you will fall asleep You shouldn’t have When you sleep I get bored And my boredom Builds Pyres You won’t see me dragging the branches Because your eyes are closed You won’t see them being stacked and bound Because they are beneath you You won’t see me light the match Because you didn’t think I had any All you will know Is waking up Burning Watching my back disappear from the flames Screaming What went wrong Hating yourself without knowing why Please don’t love me You’re too good to deserve it

You were supposed to be  Just like the rest A fun little waste of time Just like the rest Interesting, but not fascinating Intelligent but ignorant Deep but dumb Just like the rest I've heard "hot" and "sexy" so much But you say you like hearing me speak You fuck me decently Just like the rest But you also hug me like that You should be at the back of my mind Just like the rest But somehow you take up much more You make me feel wanted Just like the rest But in your arms I feel safe and blissful You make me wet Just like the rest But something is melting You're supposed to be far below my expectations Just like the rest Why are you not like the rest?