The Blacksmith's Apprentice

By Mallory Ortberg on The Toast

MONK #1: do birds have meetings MONK #2: absolutely they have a Meeting Hat and everything MONK #1: what do they have meetings about MONK #2: mostly who gets to wear the meeting hat

MONK #1: do human women sleep in beds or– MONK #2: no that’s dogs you’re thinking of MONK #1: right right

MONK #1: what part of the knight do fish go on MONK #2: the head MONK #1: thanks MONK #2: oh absolutely no problem at all MONK #1: both lying flatwise across the head, or…? MONK #2: no one on each side like ears MONK #1: ok great

MONK #1: so when a dog and a bird make out MONK #2: right MONK #1: it’s usually the bird that’s on top right? MONK #2: yeah usually MONK #1: great

MONK #1: hey is it owls or people that live in caves and build fires? MONK #2: owls

MONK #1: hey roughly what size are sparrows MONK #2: mm it kind of depends MONK #1: like AS big as a tree or not quite as big as a tree? MONK #2: oh pretty much the same size as a tree

MONK #1: can cows sail boats? MONK #2: hahaha no common misconception they have to put wheels on the boat and roll it over land

MONK #1: what do birds eat MONK #2: other birds mostly MONK #1: like different kinds of birds, or something else MONK #2: no birds only eat exactly the same kind of birds that they are

MONK #1: what kind of bird tucks people into bed at night usually I mean MONK #2: any bird any kind of walking bird MONK #1: and when it tucks you in, people usually look… MONK #2: incredibly worried it’s incredibly worrying when the bedbird tucks you in

MONK #1: ugh sorry to bother you again MONK #2: no no its fine this is what i’m here for what is it MONK #1: what part of a goat is a snail again like the front end or the back end MONK #2: what part do you feel like should be the snail part MONK #1: the back part? MONK #2: you shouldnt doubt yourself you know more about goats than you give yourself credit for

MONK #1: what usually rides horses like people or– MONK #2: fire

New England’s medieval fight club is no larping matter

Author: Meagan Mcginnes

Video/Photo: Guruamar Khalsa & Olivia Spinale

Tucked away on the fourth floor of an inconspicuous converted brick mill in Nashua, New Hampshire, The Knights Hall has no turrets or drawbridge. There is no fanfare or feasting.

Inside, men and women use modern training techniques to prepare to suit up in not-always-shining armor for medieval-style combat. Once properly trained and attired, they will then fight each other with abandon. And with swords.

Presiding over it all is Jaye Brooks, a 50-year-old Rhode Island native who is one of the most highly decorated armored steel tournament fighters in the United States. A year removed from a full-time job at a technology company, he is training athletes aspiring to compete in the Armored Combat League or even earn a coveted spot on the USA Knights, the elite team that represents the country in international competitions. He’s also giving lessons in how to properly wield a medieval mace to those simply looking for a unique fitness regiment.

“You have to have a love for somebody and a certain amount of trust to make sure that they aren’t going to actually kill you,” Brooks said. “These are deadly weapons. You aren’t allowed to stab because stabbing means death. It could actually kill you. So no one does it, and we train people not to do it.”

Before completely trading in a world of Excel spreadsheets for the one of Excalibur, Brooks was a senior project manager at a technology company in Nashua. The job was stable and earned him a comfortable salary, but left him feeling unfulfilled. In his off hours, he would strap on 50 pounds of armor to train himself and others in medieval-style combat.

[ READ THE FULL ARTICLE HERE ]

Since everyone’s asking me now…

My Gemsona?

OBSIDIAN

+

Partisan

Dated: circa 1680

Geography: Saxony

Culture: German, Saxony

Medium: steel, wood, gold, textile, metallic thread

Measurements: L. 8 ft. 7 ¼ in. (262.2 cm); L. of head 24 ½ in. (62.3 cm); W. 9 7/8 in. (25.1 cm); Wt. 6 lbs. (2721.6 g)

Halberd of the Guard of the Electors of Saxony

Dated: circa 1620

Geography: Saxony

Culture: Saxon

Medium: steel, wood, gold, textile, metallic thread

Dimensions: L. 8 ft. 8 ½ in. (265.4 cm); L. of head 50 ½ in. (128.3 cm); W. 11 ½ in. (29.2 cm); Wt. 7 lbs. 2.2 oz. (3237.5 g)

A reminder that “male” armour usually works just as well with female bodies. If you’re trying to design something practical, useful and historical looking (or even just something the follows the laws of physics), never ever put in boob cups. Aside from the fact they give the armour a sort of “focus point” for swords, falling down on them would send the shock right into the sternum. Regular plate armour leaves enough space between the chest for small to medium sized boobs anyway. But say the girl underneath is a buxom lass, you can still avoid that cleavage, boob cup shape while leaving enough space for her melons.

But aside from plate, things like the top picture, chainmail and all sorts of leather armour are unisex. I know you might be thinking that the feminine thing to do when designing a female warrior is to show off a bit of thigh or neck or cleavage or something, but really, understand that if the goal of that armour is to protect completely, putting an obvious gap in it is a terrible idea and she’ll surely get stabbed very quickly.

this is just freaking awesome how the temperature can affect the color, it happens then a thin layer of magnetite forms on the hot steel as oxygen diffuses into it. This amazing process happens because of oxygen. the stuff you breathe every moment of every day while you’re alive. amazing the things we take for granted.