thebeayuustuff

Dearest Tatay,

As I grieve for you, it sometimes feels like I am incapable of crying anymore, but I am always proven wrong. It has been less than two months since you passed away, and though I don't think of you as often as I did at the beginning of this journey, you are never completely forgotten. Happy memories are tainted with sadness as I realize that for each of the things we did together innumerable times, there was a last time and there will never be another. It is hard to do things that we once always did together. I can't think about mixing coffee or making your favorite fried meat the same way. When you died, We had to adjust to a life that you were no longer a part of. I had never lived in a world where you didn't exist. I had never even lived in a world where you lived more than a mile away from my house, and in your last years, you were in the room next door to me. In your last years of life, Cancer defined you. Caring for someone with Cancer is not easy, and at times I resented you, which I am ashamed of. The disease chipped away pieces of your personality. You could no longer walk and make a joke. You couldn't be alone, and you always wanted to listen to your Ilocano songs. It was all too easy for me to forget about who you were without the disease, and looking back, I wish I had done some things differently. I hope you can forgive me for this. I will not think of you everyday. A time will come when I have adjusted to a life without you, as sad as that thought may be. But I will never forget who you were, and what you meant to me, and what you taught me. You taught me how to be a good parent, and to be generous and responsible. I hope that I can do your memory justice. Your belongings that you gave to me will always be treated with care. I'm grateful for all the small pieces of your life I get to carry on into mine, even though you yourself are not here.The sun has gone down on this part of my life, but my life is not over. I want to live in a way that honors your memory. I know that someday I will see you again, and we will celebrate things like we used to.. So for that reason, I will not say goodbye now. I will simply say ‘til we meet again.

HAPPY 78th birthday, Tatay!I LOVE AND MISS YOU FOREVER!

I saw you today.

You look great. You gained a little weight which is obviously seen in your face. You look better than ever. You don’t looked stressed about anything or anyone, YOU SEEM SO HAPPY.

Hindi ko alam pero wala akong naramdamang galit o kahit na anong hinanakit nung nakita at nakausap kita, parang dating magkaibigan lang na walang malalim na pinagdaanan, pero syempre andun pa din yung konting awkwardness. Lalo na sakin.

Tinext kita, sabi ko sayang i wasnt able to see you. Then you replied agad agad ng asaan ka. Hindi mo maiwan agad yung trabaho mo..

I was already walking. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, tama na. Awat na, kapag nakita kita ngayon, hihinto nako. I-lelet go ko na lahat lahat.

Ayoko na sanang makita ka, pero yung puso ko mapilit eh. Sinabihan ka pa din na “labas ka”. I waited for like almost one hour before you came out to see me. Ang dami ko excuses sa sarili ko.

Ang saya ko, nasilayan ko kasi ulit yung ngiti mo, narinig ko ulit yung boses mo. Pero hindi man lang kita nahawakan, nayakap. Pero okay lang, kontento nako na lumabas ka para makita ako. :)

Ewan ko ba, ganito nga siguro ang nagmamahal. Punong puno ng pasensya at pagpapatawad. O baka dahil rin kay Bliss. HIndi ko alam..

Pumasok ka na sa loob tapos sabi mo pasok ako sa loob kasi pinagtitinginan ako sa labas, sabi mo pa sobrang iksi ng shorts ko. Blaaahblaaah. Siguro kung tayo pa, sigurado mapapagalitan mo nako. Haaays.

Nagtext ka, pinipilit ako pumasok. Pero hindi na. Kahit sobra ang pagdidikta ng puso ko na pumasok ulit para makita ka, nilabanan ko. Buti nalang strong nako. :) Nagtext ka sabi mo miss mko, ako sobra sobra. araw araw.. pero ikaw hindi ko alam, ngayon lang kasi nakita mo ako.

It had been a long timeeee.. panahon na siguro para mag let go. :”)