The Bae Blogs

Your 20’s: The Age You Don’t Want To Be In

Being in your 20’s alone is tough already because it’s when you lose and find yourself, face a lot of questions, and make nerve-wracking decisions that could make or break your life, or, at least, during your 20’s. Basically, it’s when you are forced to adult your way to life with mostly nothing but a broken compass and a walking stick in case you need help in your traverse or you want to hit yourself for every stupid decision you make. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the challenge my sexuality would pose in my life.

I have heard tales of women exploring their options and not minding their numbers, that for them, being sexually active was a part of who they were and which they didn’t mind at all. After all, they didn’t want to apologize for being themselves.

But I am not one of those women.

I hold my sexuality sacred and I don’t intend to share my body with anyone else but my would-be husband. But I did. I shared my body with someone else. Or, at least, I kind of did. And it sucked.

I wish to impart my story to let other women who are trying to heal similar wounds know that they are not alone, that somewhere out there, somebody shares their exact sentiments. And that somebody is me.

Love Doesn’t Keep A Record Of Wrongdoings, Or So I Hope

As I write my article draft on a piece of paper, ready to pour my entire heart out and write with no holds barred, I try to imagine my current boyfriend sitting in front of me, absorbing every word that I write, sort of when we sit face to face and talk earnestly. And for a second, I wonder what he would think of me after. I wonder if he would love me just the same, if not more. And I wonder if love really doesn’t keep a record of wrongdoings.

This is not easy for me but this is what I need right now. I can’t keep dwelling on the past and blaming myself for the bad things I did. I know that one way or another, I must forgive myself. And maybe, just maybe, sharing my experience with other women would bring me one step closer to forgiveness and self-healing. I admit that I misused my body and neglected its pureness for temporary pleasures that only left my heart with permanent scars and my body reminiscent of men who took pleasure in my womanhood and perused me like a piece of meat because, well, I let them. But I met a person who made me want to turn my back against all those bad experiences and change for the better, for good.

Exploring One’s Sexuality

Being a millennial, I was naturally hooked on social media. It was my avenue for exploration. I had different social media platforms as much as I had different sets of personalities towards different kinds of people. You see, I was a virgin. I still am. I used to be horny AF. I still am. But now I have more control over it. I am more in charge. I guess it comes with the age. There was even a time that I questioned my own sexuality because I thought that for a completely valid reason, you could be a lesbian or a bisexual if you crushed too hard on another woman. Of course, there’s no 100% truth to it. You can have tens of women crushes but still be straight.

Anyway, in the hope of “finding myself” and “catering to my human needs”, I began to explore with men between the sheets. That phase lasted only a few weeks because, honestly, I couldn’t keep up with its demands and I am innately a homeboy, so to meet up with someone for the sake of sexual pleasure actually meant “effort” from my part.

I used to cringe at people who use clean social media platforms for their dirty intentions but ironically I was that kind of person once upon a time. I mentioned that I’m a virgin so how did my sexual exploration happen and where did it take me, you might wonder.

Nowhere. It led me nowhere.

More so, every encounter made me feel emptier inside. I would go home physically exhausted but emotionally drained and spiritually dead. No sexual intercourse happened and I believe it’s my body’s way of saving me from the wrong men. So what exactly transpired during those encounters? Just imagine really long foreplays and blue balls for women.

Let’s Talk About Sex

Sex is not fun. It’s a mentally challenging task, sometimes a chore, and it will only leave you feeling ten times worse if you do it with the wrong person. And to think that no man has entered my cave yet. Technically, I’m still virgin but no longer as pure as I hoped to be. I’ve done things I shouldn’t have and felt the kind of remorse that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Here’s what they don’t tell you when you hook up: you may have been moaning at that time, but your mind was telling you otherwise. You will feel that you don’t have to do those things or meet those men but somehow you will feel the itch to rebel against your own will and instinct, no matter how strong they are. Every time, your brain would give you crazy signals. “Stop it. You’re better than this. Is this really what you want to be doing with your body? With your temple?”

There will come a point that you won’t have a problem stripping naked in front of a stranger because you have already grown too immune to the feeling. You will get used to the sight of a wood ready to salvage a garden. You will get different experiences, see different sizes, feel different kinds of pleasure and pain, but none of it will be worth it.

I was in the same situation. I was that situation. I had no problem showing my body to a man I just met. I had no qualms with it until I met the man who I wanted to be pure for and with – the man who made me feel I wanted to be clean all over again, the man I was ashamed to show my scars but wanted to share my stories with, to know how much of them he can stand if at all, to see if he’s The One.

I am ashamed because I had this part of me that I have no guts to tell him. I wanted to be that decent woman for him, but I wasn’t. Friends would call me conservative, reserved, practical, holy even. Clearly, I wasn’t.

Men understand this sexual frustration. They have been there and most are still there. But for me, opening up about this is difficult and painful. I only had the guts to be this detailed for the reason that I can remain anonymous until I decide to reveal myself – if I decide to reveal myself.

Which I am doing right now.

Sex Is Sacred

Sure, being enjoyed physically somehow feels empowering but only for a few minutes. You’d be lying if you try to convince yourself that it feels magical and life changing. It’s not. It’s exhausting to offer your body to someone who would only want it for a few good hours. It feels even more damaging going back home, having met up with someone but really having no one at the end of the day. It’s also emotionally testing, knowing that the men you meet aren’t after your heart, but they were only there because of the heat of the moment.

Eventually, I got bored with playing. I knew that I had to get my act together if I wanted to be the best woman my guy could ever have. I knew I was better than chasing after boys for temporary pleasure. Sexing around wasn’t my kind of game. I was in for a more serious relationship.

If there’s one major takeaway from my experience, it’s that no amount of lust can suffice for the legitimate love you deserve. So stop wasting away your body and your youth for men who don’t deserve you.

You are the daughter of the Most High, the child of the One True King. You deserve a throne, not trash. In somebody’s eyes, the deserving pair of eyes, you are a queen, so start acting like one. Because you can’t give someone something that you don’t have, like love towards yourself and respect towards your body. So start with you. Take care of your body like you would a baby, and before you know it, the next guy who comes around will finally treat you and your body right.

So where’s the “women empowerment” here? Actually, it’s in you. Empower yourself to be the best version of you without having the need to pleasure yourself temporarily or clinging on to people who do not want you or only want you for your meat. See your worth so that others will, too. Value yourself and your body more than anything else.