So... This is how I spend my free time?

                This is a thing, right? People writing stuff on the Internet for other people to read? It is? Good, cause I'm pretty sure that's what this is. Here goes.

                I've always thought of myself as a pretty open person, but as I reflect on the past year I'm not so convinced that that's the case. Sure, I'm never really hesitant to blurt out my opinion or make some smart ass remark, but when it comes to expressing how I'm really feeling on a personal level I tend to internalize it to a sometimes unhealthy degree.  This is an attempt to break out of that habit. I don't expect anyone to read this or let alone, respond. The goal of this is to get out of my head, even if just a little bit. I have a lot of shit to work through, so bear with me.

                Those of you who know me well probably already knew this, but I am not a very happy person. I try to put up a strong front, but there's only so much a person can do on his own. My coworkers probably think I'm joking when I say I go home at night, pour a glass of bourbon and cry. And I say it with a laugh and a smile on my face, all the while holding back tears that desperately want out.

                A lot of my unhappiness stems from the fact that I feel like I'm not where I should be in my life. I always thought that by this time I'd have a degree, a good job, and a family of my own. My grandma always refers to me as her "#1 grandson" but the harsh reality is the only thing that I'm #1 at was being born first out of all my cousins and sibling. I have a dead-end retail job, I still rely on my parents to support me to some extent, I still haven't finished college, and my love life is a joke. While I can't speak for my family pertaining to where they are in their life goals, from my point of view they've all reached some goal that I feel is miles away for myself.

                Now, having said all of that, I don't feel like all hope is lost on any of those goals. The problem that I've had in the past with tackling any one of them is, in my head, they are so closely entwined that I have trouble focusing. Thoughts like "I can't get a better job until I get a degree" or "No one will date me until I get a better job" bog me down and I end up not making any progress on any of my goals. The other problem is I want it all at once. Even when I have started to make progress in one goal, my mind shifts focus to the fact that I'm not accomplishing my other goals, and my progress falters and I ultimately fail in all of them.

                I think I'm going to stop there for now. I'm still not sure what I hope to get out of this exercise, I just know that I need to do something. I don't expect many people, if any,  to read this let alone respond to it. I'm just hoping that this may in some way help me to organize my thoughts and get myself back on track to being the person that I want myself to be.