the government be like hey guys the pandemic is over! but also no it’s not :) it’s totally fine to go out now but like still stay home! wear a mask but you don’t have to! stay six feet apart but like if you wanna go to a concert packed with hundreds of people that’s totally fine too!! Anyways guys stay safe out there haha :)

if the pandemic is over, no it’s not. don’t go out because it’s over. no it isn’t. yes ❤️

your man doesn’t have the mental strength to caramelize onions 

your man thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions

do you think caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions

SCAMMED LMAOOOOOO

Objection, your honor. There has been no scam. The defendant clearly stated that they would tell the plaintiff’s girlfriend if the plaintiff bought the defendant a pizza. It was the failure of the plaintiff to heed the terms before agreeing to them that resulted in his infidelity being exposed.

Sustained.

SCAMMED LMAOOOOOO

Objection, your honor. There has been no scam. The defendant clearly stated that they would tell the plaintiff’s girlfriend if the plaintiff bought the defendant a pizza. It was the failure of the plaintiff to heed the terms before agreeing to them that resulted in his infidelity being exposed.

Sustained.

me rollerblading into my therapist’s office this week with sunglasses and a piña colada: maurice, you’re not gonna fucking believe this,

gonna go start bar fights so I can get a cool facial scar 

what did you expect to happen 

The Lord to protect me

King honestly

if your bones are wet then you’re alive, but if they’re dry then you’re dead

If that ain’t me…