A little messed up but it's all right

*Learn basic french (duolingo, flashcards) for when I go to Paris this summer *Practice my Native Flute more. (Spiritual health, plus playing an instrument is fun to show off) *Do ALL class reading. (I know how smart I am, I just need to prove it now. Plus Im paying for my classes this semester and it would be great to have some more A's on my GPA) *Stop smoking weed everyday *The classes im taking are challenging emotionally. Deviant behavior is so far about pedophilia and World Myth is about Nazis so far. Im looking forward to a lot of crying and (hopefully) healthy coping mechanism *

I moved back in with my parents so I can save on rent/bills and go to paris this summer on my own.Living w/my rents also means I wont be buying anymore weed,groceries or going out to eat as much which is overall a good thing. I am kinda worried about my stresslevel/mental healthliving here, but I know they really love me and push me so I can have a betterlife. I know my brain doesnt always let me realize that. Hopefully Ill be able to take enoughbreaks and do more fun things with the rentsto dstract them from my failures.

You are a Eve, a 19 year old white blonde good christian girl who got a soccer scholarship to a generic ivy league college while living in a gated neighborhood where the houses all look the same but you tell everyone they dont...at least not reeaaallyyy. Lilith is the overweight black woman who runs your local planned parenthood; you go with your church to protest their abortion program. you get in her face spit flying while you serve your church, your god, your father Adam, and your boyfriend who is also named Adam (and who would never hurt you but his friends eyes and hands linger a bit too long on your body; Adam notices, but sips his beer and tell you your over reacting). Lilith moves toward you, lets you get up in her face and says nothing. A scared latina woman under a volunteers arm is lead through your hate church to the front doors of a sanctuary (she is too poor to afford a pap smear but breast cancer runs in her family) .................................................... a month later you come into the clinic and fill out a form. 8 weeks pregnate. You pray to your unforgiving god she wont recognize you. Lilith recognizes you. You put down $500 in ten and twenty dollar bills (stolen from your moms purse while she did her morning excersizes in the downstairs living room) shamefully and ask if it will hurt, if the baby will be in pain. She answers all your questions truthfully: "you will be fine, the fetus will not be able to feel anything" This is the first time in your life youve been alone with no carbon copy of white midwestern to tell you what to do or show you the way. This is your first real choice; its beyond private but more diverse than most private high school and church on wednesday and sunday. She isnt trying to convince you to kill the baby you realise. You were expecting her too. You wanted her too. Lilith stares back at you, unsmiling, she has not forgotten what youve done to others. She will never forgive you, but she will help you if you ask her to. You ask her to. You leave the clinic in your sensible blue toyota camery 2014. Youve aborted the bite of the fruit of knowledge you took. Your predecesor would have done the same. You were both made to be molded and serve, your destiny almost changed but Lilith rescued you. Back to serving Adam, back to Paradise

Stuff that people make fandoms over and cry/laugh/write fanfiction about literally takes all your emotions on such a horrible roller coaster een listening/reading/watching the happy moments make your entire chest ache and makes it impossible to do any work in real life. Instead you just think about/re-watch/listen to the thing over and over again in your head or in real life. ((Yeah Im listening to Hamilton again))