My one and only thrill

Recién escuché un bebé llorar y, naturalmente, quise llorar. Me pasa siempre que escucho ese llanto; no es algo que se relacione puntual o directamente con vos. Quizás solo se debe a que, en este instante, estoy solo. Me vendría bien hablar con vos o, al menos, con esa versión idealizada que guardo en mi cabeza.

Hoy tengo una cita. ¿Horrible leer eso, verdad? Tener "citas" mientras uno extraña e idealiza la nostalgia. No dejo de decir —de rezar— lo mismo: "Ojalá estés bien y no estés así". Yo sé que, eventualmente, vos vas a seguir con tu vida y yo seré solo aquel que alguna vez supiste amar; mientras tanto, yo seguramente me quede con esta sensación inconclusa: la de que podríamos haberlo tenido todo.

Voy a merendar de la forma más lenta que conozco. Quizás no estoy gordo, solo como muy rápido. O quizás sea otra mentira más que me digo para suavizar los golpes que el espejo —o cualquier reflejo— me da cada vez que me miro.

The sun kissed passionately my skin …

… and I’m rounding off my summer holidays. A little desolate because of the upcoming weeks of mundane work and coping with a breakup (Me? Going through a breakup? Shocked). Can’t figure out which thing concerns me the most.

Julio - my, I guess, ex boyfriend now - blocked me in every social media. I shouldn’t be surprised since we talked about it and it was clearly enough that, if we chose to end the relationship, then so it would be a clean cut of any form of communication between us. I guess I’m sad though; once it’s done you then have the clarity and extension of the consequences of breaking up.

I’m not recurring to self pity since it was all because I decided to. There was nothing more to explore in my relationship and I’ve came to realized there were quite a few aspects of him that I just couldn’t cope with. Call me selfish or not willing, but I did try a lot to understand how he handles several things of his life, as well as some aspects of his personality. I gave my all to see the good things and his virtues but, over the last months, it wasn’t making the cut. It would always be more the negative than the positive.

I’m sad because he is a good partner though. He never pushed me or drag me to his problems. He is a husband material - I’m starting to think this way because IM 30 - and probably will regret a lot this. But I need to be alone and to have tranquility in my mind that I was honest and that I would not continue to be with him “just in case this feeling changes”.

When I tend to say “let’s give it another try” without being sure about it, I start to grow within myself a resentment that has outbursts on the outside, such as sometimes being rude or treating the other without the care I do have toward. I have to realize that maybe it isn’t my time and that I have to let go in order for him to also be happy as well. He will sure find someone better.

S

Can I resist this?