✨ I am so lucky, everything good always happen to me! ✨

when you f*ck her, do you ever think about me?

im scared to admit that i may be headed for a mental breakdown but well,

she told me that she loves me more than her cat, Ziggy

It's the night before my last day at s*lect and its hard to put into words every emotion i am feeling. I love the people that I work with dearly but the schedule I am on is making my mental health decline. The only other coworker I have in my field (tele tech) hates me and won't let us change our schedule. 3 days on. 1 day off. 3 days off. 7 off... it doesn't work for me with the things I want to do. I want to do an improv class. I want to take zumba again. I want to sleep past 6 AM. I want to spend more time with my partner. I want to work on my health. The list is infinite. I am really scared though. I'm scared to start over again with new personalities and social rules. I know what to expect at my job. I can be on my phone between 5-10 hours during my 12 hour shift. It can be very relaxed but I listen to alarm bells for 12 hour straight sometimes too. Plus, ever since I put my two weeks in, my coworkers keep expressing how much theyll miss me. I've never felt well liked at any of the jobs I've had and truly thought this one was no different. Lately everyone keeps telling me how I'm such a positive morale booster. People have been falling all over me, buying me treats, spending more time with me, celebrating with me, complimenting me, appreciating me. It's making me feel some type of way. All my other jobs I have felt like the odd one out but after three and a half years I have found the people I really click with and there aren't too many I don't. I try to be kind and light hearted with everyone. I*i'm rampling and I'm sorry. Ive been crying tonight. It's raining. It feels like the earth is crying and cleansing itself. This time of year is always such a transformative time for me*

Morgan told her mom about me getting a new job and said that she was excited for me and was hoping I would get it 🥹🥰

Living the nightmare of my partner not being able to tell their family about me or take me home for holidays...

.

We just had some amazing sex and now my head is on your chest and I can hear your heartbeat and all I can think is how I never thought I'd receive this love in this lifetime. I was so scared that I wouldn't know a love like this but here I am. You're tickling my back and we're listening to More Than A Feeling by Boston and you just hit the high note. I cried while trying to grasp the concept of this being how it is for the rest of our days. I love you.

I told M that I loved her. I bought her a card with a pair of maneki-neko (chinese lucky cat) that said "You're the luckiest thing to ever happen to me" and inside I detailed about how I've been trying to wait for the perfect time to tell her but that I can't wait any longer. She cooks dinner for me, makes sure I am comfortable at her apt, holds me and tells me she likes me without prompt. She talks about the future with me and is able to provide a nice life for us both. I can't wait to take care of her and nurture her and help her heal. She's already helped me start to see the beauty in myself again and I, her. I'm so excited to see what this life has in store for us and I have never felt so at ease when it comes to my relationship. Tonight is the first in three nights that I am not sleeping next to her and it doesn't feel right. I don't feel like I'm necessarily obsessed and can't be without her but it's just nice to have someone beside you and wake up to.

I'm feeling down lately. My gf has met my friends, my family, and roommates and yet I haven't met one person from their side of things. I told them last night that it has been bothering me and they acted like they had no idea. I'd been bringing it up. M said that they were going to invite me to their friends' Memorial Day party but that after asking their best friend's advice, they didn't think it was a good idea since people were drinking and carrying on or whatever idk. I was told about the invite two days after the fact (and also after we went to my parents camp and spent the night) and that also hurt. I just want to feel included, that's all. I said "well now that you know that this has hurt me I trust that you'll see to it that I meet your friends?" And they said yes. We will see. I am very frustrated by it and it turns me off immensely. Lately, I've been really turned off by M. I don't want to be but they keep acting in a way that has me questioning myself and my sanity. I just want to be happy.

When I was in high school, I had my first gay experience with a girl named Morgan. Things ended pretty bad for us. I wasn't ready to be "out" yet and that really hurt her. I haven't seen her in about five years but have since been trying to repair our situationship, but haven't have luck in getting to see her in person again. In January of 2022 I had just gotten out of my first gay relationship which it taught me a lot of hard lessons and I reached out to her to try to be friends. She always seemed receptive but then we wouldn't keep plans and would never talk again until I would initiate again. Fast forward to April 2023, I got the courage to ask her on a date. The universe told me that i should take chances after I had ended things with an awkward/unwanted situationship this week also (big libra moon thing) i couldn't stop thinking about her. I asked her on Tuesday, today is Thursday and we went out!!!!!! I was so excited. I let myself get excited (something i have been working on this year, insert "im so lucky" mantra) I wore my black mushroom dress and curled my hair, picked her up at her place, and then we went to Condado Taco! She was harassing me the entire time about my driving and about things we were talking about, just surface level conversation, banter back and forth. It made me giggle and she kept thinking I was laughing at her. I was just nervous and blushing. I got serious in the middle of our meal to tell her how appreciative i felt that she gave me a chance to see her, spend time with her. I told her how nice she looked and how much fun I was having listening to everything in her life that I have missed in the last five years. She was honest with me and told me that she was super nervous and almost said no to my invite. I told her how nervous I was and that i wanted to over explain myself but she said it was a good thing that I stayed simple with the invite. She told me that she got super high before I picked her up. I figured it was to try to calm her nerves. Anyways, we were on the way back to her house and I had to put my brakes on in a hurry and put up the mom arm to keep her from sliding in her seat. She told my hand and HELD IT. It felt like the earth stopped. I couldnt believe it. My hand was sweating so badly. I ended up putting my hand on here thigh instead ugh soooo sweaty. Anyways, I walk her to her door and tell her again how nice it was to see her and she grabbed my face and KISSED me !!! TONGUE TOO!! i wasnt expecting it and kinda pulled away and giggled. I still have butterflies !!!!! I cant wait to see M again.

I'm afraid to be loved and give love in return but I want it so badly. I'm craving intimacy and closeness and a bond but then again I feel disgusted by the thought of another person touching my body or kissing my face. But on days like today.. I feel emptiness and loneliness and wish I had someone to hold me tight and tell me it's okay.