Give Me Money.

DENNIS walks through the door of the bar and slams it behind him. He looks positively gleeful. There’s a real spring in his step.

DENNIS: Everybody, gather ‘round. I have some big news to share.

THE GANG gathers ‘round. Dennis surveys them all a moment, and then takes in a deep breath.

DENNIS: Now, I realize this may come as a bit of a shock, but I think I should just come right out and say it: everybody, I’m queer.

THE GANG starts talking over one another, hollering things at Dennis.

DEE: What do you mean you’re queer? You bang chicks all the time!

FRANK: Are you saying you want to bang dudes, too?

MAC: …Are you saying you want to bang dudes?

Dennis lifts his hands. 

DENNIS: Guys, guys. Please. You are all operating with an extraordinarily antiquated understanding of what it is to be queer. All this talk of “banging dudes.” Ridiculous. That’s not what the word queer means.

CHARLIE: Yeah, I thought it just meant, like… weird. Or strange.

DENNIS: That’s exactly right, Charlie. Which is why I, as an aromantic heterosexual man, can claim the word.

FRANK: What the hell is an aro-

DENNIS: I’m glad you asked, Frank. I read about it in GQ. An aromantic heterosexual man is someone who is sexually attracted to women, but has no desire for a relationship with one. Which, let’s be honest, describes me perfectly. And that’s why I’m coming out. As part of the queer community.

DEE: You asshole.

DENNIS: Dee, that is extremely aphobic, and I will not have it. Calling me an asshole for my sexual preference is no better than calling Mac a -

MAC: Please don’t finish that sentence, Dennis.

Dennis throws up his hands, faking defensiveness.

DENNIS: Well, excuse me, allogay.

MAC: What? What are you -

CHARLIE: Hold on. I’m confused. If you want to bang chicks but not date them, how is that… weird? Or strange? I mean, I thought that was pretty common.

FRANK: Yeah! You know, I think I might be an aromantic heterosexual, too.

DEE: Oh, Jesus Chri-

DENNIS: That’s wonderful news, Frank. And I hope you know that no matter what these aphobic bigots say, you are valid.

FRANK: Wow. I’m valid!

DENNIS: That’s right. Now let’s hit the strip club and bag us some puss!

Frank and Dennis high-five one another and exit through the front door. The remaining members of the gang are silent for a moment. Dee and Charlie exchange a skeptical look. Mac, eyes still on the door, lets out a sigh.

MAC: God. Damn it.

Hmm? Check and Mate. 

Tired of all these Dennis is a serial killer theories when clearly Dennis is a reincarnation the greek god of wine madness and tragedy Dionysus I have a shiton of evidence:

Parallels between Dionysus and Dennis

• The name Dennis literally comes from Dionysus

• Dionysus is best known in the myth of king midas’s where he grants his wish in turning everything he touches into GOLDDennis refers to himself as the golden god

• Dionysus’s symbol was a giant dick & his festival involves a lotta dick sculptures as do his temples Dennis won’t shut up about his sexuality/dick 

• Dionysus was all fun and games until you crossed him, he had his cousin torn into pieces by his mother when he refused to worship him and drove a king who imprisoned his followers insane to the point where he cut his son into pieces Dennis is obsessed with skin and threatening to cut dee into tiny little pieces which mirrors these punishments 

• Dionysus was also God of theatre and tragedy The gang are constantly performing, their schemes often involve lying and playing roles. They are also all tragic figures, alcoholics, past abuse, unable to accept themselves… 

• Dionysus was often naked or half naked always appeared as a “beardless androgynous youth” +  Dionysus was bisexual Dennis is constantly taking his shirt off and notably beardless although not androgynous he partakes in traditionally feminine practices like wearing make up and fixated with maintaining his youth +  Dennis is bi

The Gang as Dennis’ Thiasus

• Dionysus had a gang of followers called his thiasus described as “those who do not belong in conventional society, symbolising the chaotic, dangerous & unexpected, everything which escapes human reason" they were constantly drunk Perfectly describes the gang as well as their effect on other people who are either on that level (Mcpoyles, Artemis) dragged down by the gang (Ponderosas, Rickety Cricket, the Waitress, the Lawyer…) or escape as far as we know (Carmen, the war vet, dee and dennis’ dad…)

• Dionysus always had a gang of followers (his Thiasus) who would rave all day and were constantly drunk Dennis is always w the gang, all alcoholics, constantly causing chaos

• His Thiasus was composed mainly of: - The Meanders (female followers-intoxicated women free from social constraints) Dee - The Satrys (male followers - goatmen, tricksters, lovers of the sensual & music) / Charlie, natural talent for music he and Mac are very senual and emotional (also Ampelos was a satry who was dionysus’ lover so… MAc) - Silenus (old ugly man, cheif of the satyrs and a foster father of dionysus) / Frank

Conclusion