Welcome To My Journal

What they don't tell you about talking stages is that they always come to an end. Can be good or bad, but most likely things end not for the best of reasons.

You spend two to three weeks talking to someone every day, all day and then all of a sudden it stops. You share meaningful conversations with this person and then you're expected to go on with your daily life like they never existed.

No one tells you how difficult dating can be in your twenties. Being twenty-five, sort of fresh out of a long-term relationship. How do you do it? The positives are definitely outweighing the negatives in this experience, but the emotions I am feeling absolutely suck. Going on dates with amazing people but having to break things off with them out of my own standards can fucking hurt my own feelings.

They brag about their successes or things that don’t matter while I stay quiet.

They are still living at home while I just bought a house. But they wouldn’t care because only their lives matter to me?

Not everyone is meant to stay, and learning to accept that is what helps us grow and mature.

I’ve met many that have only stuck around for a short time in my life and that’s okay. I always wonder why I haven’t run into them at the store or somewhere else in public, but maybe the universe knows they aren’t meant to be apart of my life, so they never appear like I want them to.

When we met we were two broken people, hoping to one day be loved. I was a broken soul who had lost a father, and you were a broken heart who wasn’t treated how you deserved to be treated in relationships. We had a friendship like none I ever had before and I’m very grateful to have experienced something like that. I do believe that we were in each other’s lives to be taught a lesson, hence why we aren’t in touch anymore. I think we both wanted to fix one another constantly, instead of just enjoy the company of each other.

I wonder if you feel the same pain I do. The constant missing of someone in your life that changed it. Watching other friendships thrive while I can’t even keep one of my own. It hurts me so much to have lost my best friend. I don’t know how to grieve friendships, more so create new ones.

I can’t seem to stop crying. I wish I knew why I was crying but there are so many things going on and I just can’t pinpoint the exact thing that’s making me sad. Is it a lack of friendships? A lack of closeness to the ones I love? I ask myself everyday if I should change something and there’s no one here to really guide me through it. I feel very alone.

It’s my fault for moving to a city far from family but I also somewhat needed change. I really thought this “alone time” would be good for me, but it’s breaking me into a million pieces.

You guessed it… Another year goes by and I’ve still never had a “New Years kiss.” When that clock strikes 12 at midnight I will once again be alone. One of the happiest times of the year, when we create New Years resolutions to make a better year for ourselves. I stopped trying after not getting the results I ever so desired. The kiss though… I’m in a fully committed relationship but I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m self sabotaging the whole thing because I can’t have control over certain things. All I want is the best for this individual but they won’t listen to me. Am I too much? I just don’t understand. I’m trying my best to love hard, but maybe I’m loving too much?

Sometimes I feel as though I’m trying really hard in a relationship to be so perfect with this person that it ends up just falling apart. Almost like I’m creating this version of myself for this person to see so that they will eventually leave me for how terrible I’ve been to them. That’s exactly what I’m doing now and I hate myself for it. How can I change?

We go through life have so many “what if” moments. Why? If you’re saying those two words, wouldn’t that mean there’s something you regret in life? I’m mainly talking about past what if’s, not “what if tomorrow I don’t wake up and want a bowl of cereal” kind of what if.

For example, a year and a half ago, in the middle of summer, I went on a date. This wasn’t just any date. It was my dream date, with my dream guy. We went for a picnic in the park and he surprised me with all these things. The food, a tree hammock, himself, etc. I don’t think I will ever forget that day, and maybe it’s because I regret it. Not for the reasons you think; “oh she fell in love with him and he didn’t feel the same,” “there’s someone else.” No. I regret it because maybe I was meant to be with him. The perfect guy for me. Both science geeks, quiz takers (fun quizzes, don’t worry). He was handsome, down to earth, and really wanted to make me happy. And I rejected him for what? I was too scared? There definitely wasn’t another person I was seeing, although I was dating at the time. I would’ve picked him out of any of the other guys I went on dates with in the past.

What does your ideal friendship look like? Mine doesn’t exist, because I already had one of the best friendships of my life fall apart. Now I can’t trust anyone to be apart of my life like that person once was. It might sound pathetic or maybe I’m stubborn. I haven’t really had the best luck when it comes to friendships. I always get taken advantage of or they end up betraying me somehow. When it comes to making new friends, I’m not the best at it. I don’t want to get hurt again, especially now. So I don’t let anything go past talking with the individual because if I become too vulnerable, they will leave. It used to be the same with relationships, but I met someone who makes me feel like I’m the only one and I mean the world to them. 

If I had to have an ideal friendship, it would be talking to that person on a daily basis, but not always being in each others presence. Having our own daily lives but being able to share those lives with each other. Having some of the same interests, especially music so we can go to concerts together. Maybe both of us having a significant other to go on double dates with. Singing in the car at the top of our lungs to old songs we used to listen to when we were kids. Going shopping together, eating food together, etc. Stuff that I wouldn’t necessarily do with a significant other.

All my life, it seems as if I have the worst luck. I go through life normally, as every human does. Something bad always happens out of the blue though. Is that a sign that I need to find change within my daily routine? That I’m not meant to be somewhere? Whether it be friends, relationships, tragic deaths in the family, or basically anything, I never seem to have good luck. Maybe for a second, but then it all goes away. 

I’m caught in between four walls with no door to get out. I’m in this constant state of regret with decisions that I made the second I turned 18. I wish I went to a four-year college. I wish I never started dating that guy. I sometimes think that my life wouldn’t be this difficult if I had made the right decision back then. But there is no going back. I’m 22 now, and I’m stuck. 

Wondering how can I start over? How can I make this life I’m living better? I have so many options I can choose from, but if only I had some guidance to get me there. When I graduated high school, I wanted to be a Veterinarian. Soon after realizing that it wasn’t for me, I felt impulsive to move on to the next new beginning. That would be Medical Laboratory Technician. I’ve been trying to go to University to graduate college for 4 years already. I don’t have anything near an Associate’s Degree. Now I’m feeling lots of regret not trying to pursue something that I actually loved when I was younger. I wanted to be done within four years but that clearly didn’t happen. 

I haven’t been this unhappy in a long while. I am working a job that I don’t like, with people that are not like me. I want to do something that doesn’t overwhelm me every second of the day. I live in a city that I’m not meant to be in. I convinced myself months ago that I am meant to live in a city, yet I keep going back to where I am actually meant to be. I have no friends or family here. I’m all alone. All I have is my cat and now you. 

Hi there.

I haven’t been on this platform in ages, let alone ever posted on here. I’m using this platform as a blog/journal for myself, and to maybe help others who are going through anything within their life. Whether that be life transitions, relationships, friendships, family, daily life, and especially mental health. 

I believe that every human living on this planet struggles with mental health. It’s also something that I struggle with everyday. I want this to be a safe place for not only myself, but for others. I’m anonymous and you can be too.

This blog/journal is also for my own self help. I have a difficult time physically writing in a journal, so hopefully this will be a great alternative.