the crastle never left my mind

day 203

[Transcript:

SCAR: Pearl. Did say, Cleo, this is bigー

CLEO: Uh-huh.

SCAR: ーthat if I didn't catch anything on fire, for a little while that is, I may have a chance of getting in the firefighter calendar. And I have caught nothing on fire.

CLEO: But you wanted to.

SCAR: ...Don't. Cleo!

CLEO, getting closer to Scar: But we could Scar! We could!

SCAR: Cleo!!! I'm trying to be good! I could be in the calendar!

CLEO: But good's boring. You know good's boring. You know it. [CLEO starts whispering] And I know it!

SCAR: Where is my flintー I even hid my flint and steel, it's not even in my ender chest right now.

CLEO: Oh my god. Who are you and what have you done with Scar?!

SCAR: The allure of having my own month is just so much Cleo!

CLEO: That's what it took? A month on a calendar?

SCAR: ...Yeah. I'm easily bought.

like. my evidence

While pre-turning Apo certainly doesn’t come off as normal(the raw meat incident, claiming she doesn’t care while being willing to do dangerous things to help others, sailing a boat off a cliff), analyzing her behavior through the lens of the Fernsfield massacre (Apo being the only survivor of a crazy mass casualty event) makes me think there’s some serious compartmentalization going on. She still clearly cares and is beginning to get along with other people, but there’s this edge of distance to her that both aligns with the amount of trauma she must have…and still doesn’t quite hint at its severity. idk how else to describe it

“my final tour” Apo describes their time in Oakhurst as being their final tour, implying they’ve likely been forced into at least two

the aforementioned piece of evidence becomes particularly concerning when you account for Apo being only 21

Apo states that they've never killed anyone. Now this could be simply due to the fact that Apo wasn’t combat-oriented, but considering everything else we know about her, it does make me wonder if Apo actually HAS killed someone, but repressed the memory (which would be crazy Pyro parallels)

never talks about family, only ever mentions Cherri. I’ve mentioned how I think Apo’s family is dead and/or terrible before, but again, could just be coincidental but I’m making a case

Apo is such a mystery throughout the series. She’s not lying like Martyn, but she almost never tells anyone anything about her

The fear of blood—we can guess that Apo’s blood phobia was pre-Fernsfield massacre, so that likely crosses off the massacre itself causing that fear, though I could be entirely incorrect on this front. I say this because it’s the easy, sensible answer, and the implication that it might not be this major traumatic event that originally caused her fear haunts me. (Though in all likelihood it majorly worsened it)

and finally—I’ve heard secondhand someone talking about a conversation Apo and Legs had on stream, where Legs states he never meant to imply his character commited cannibalism, and Apo responds with “I commited cannibalism” It could have been a normal vampire joke but the Potential of it being pre-Oakhurst Apo makes me deeply curious and concerned, because it WOULD ALSO TRACK with blood never tasting good to Apo, and also make the preference I think she has for raw meat (and the eating raw meat while human scene) absolutely bonkers intriguing on that context

We, the audience, don’t even know the full extent of it—the Fernsfield massacre was only revealed to be as horrifying as it was on a stream (Apo being the only survivor) and even then I’m not sure how much else cc!Apo has revealed about it, other than the fact that Apo likely already had their blood phobia, which then begs the question of what caused it, whether it’s an anxiety they’ve always had or if it’s been caused by some trauma of their past. She doesn’t talk about her family, ever, which is extremely striking to me, considering how deeply Apo cares about Cherri and everyone in Oakhurst, leaving me to assume her family is dead and/or terrible. Not to mention the elephant of period-typical transphobia and misogyny, and being IN THE MILITARY…not to mention my personal theory that the war, that’s, y’know, actively occurring, is a civil one (I actually think someone else may have come up with the civil war theory earlier, but I’ve never seen it before)

Yeah. Apo has BEEN THROUGH IT, even before the horrific trauma of Oakhurst.

and still. She tries. She tries and tries and tries and tries and tries.

And I think people should have feelings about that!! What does it say about them, that Apo can live through all that and still be good? She’s so alike to so many of the other characters (Owen, Cleo, Legs, also Pearl, frankly) but she’s also fundamentally different. She isn’t just their reflection. She’s them if they were better.

She breaks, just like them.. (She breaks, after far more than them)

[Transcript:

CLEO: Like, there are seats that kind of hug you, and then they strap you down, properly. I think that would be fine.

SCAR: Dude, that's like my dream.

CLEO: Yeah! [CLEO starts clapping to the beat of their words] Scar wants to be strapped down, is what we've learnt.

SCAR: Yeah! Please! Strap me down, give me all the straps, tie me down! Like, I'm in my element when I'm properly tied down and not wobbling around.

CLEO: [CLEO Clicks tongue, trying to supress laughter] There we go. Uh-huh.

SCAR: Like, I'm always looking for new straps to like, put me in the chair or something, so I don't fall out. So yeah, like a race carー

CLEO: Uh-huh. [CLEO laughs]

I was bored at work yesterday and sketched cb!Apo.

Cleo is in- uh…. somewhere…