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The Batkids are discussing different ways to reverse the magic with Alfred, almost forgetting that Bruce is standing right there.

Bruce seems bothered by the lack of attention directed at him, something perfectly normal for a child, yet strangely out of place when that child is actually their father. He tugs on Alfred's clothes, ruining the butler's perfectly pressed uniform as his quiet grumbling finally draws everyone's attention back to him.

Alfred looks momentarily caught off guard, but it's so deeply ingrained in him that he scoops the little boy into his arms with an effortless ease that betrays years of practice.

Curiosity begins bubbling inside everyone like popcorn just waiting to burst.

Bruce doesn't give them time to process the scene. His soft voice, rough from obvious disuse, captures everyone's attention.

"You... different." Bruce accuses, cupping Alfred's face with his chubby little hands, his own features scrunched together in confusion. His tiny brain seems to be working overtime, desperately trying to figure out why Alfred looked... old.

Oh, shit.

"I'm trying a new look, Master Bruce. Do you not approve?" Alfred replies without missing a beat, delivering the lie with such unwavering confidence that it almost sounds believable. Bruce studies him carefully with those enormous blue eyes.

It takes Bruce a long moment before he finally gives a reluctant little nod, never removing his hands from Alfred's face as he closely inspects the older man's silver hair.

Bruce clearly hates the new look.

"He has manners. Who would've thought?" Jason jokes.

Everyone laughs.

So Jason just makes like 60 cookies every other day, and maybe a whole ass marble cake, sometimes it's as simple as a few tarts.

The family starts understanding it as code overtime, of Jason offering his stress food and with it, a hand reaching out for help.

It's silly progress.

But also progress.

.

.

Steph, answering the phone: Yewwol?

Jason, actually shaking on the other line: I made 20 pans of brownies and I don't even remember buying 20 pans to make brownies in and I feel so stupid and- WHY WON'T THIS PIPPING BAG CLOSE

Steph: ...So it's a Brownie day?

Jason: ...yeah ☹️

Steph: Right. Give me a few minutes. Damian's coming to help pass the brownies around to your neighbors, then we're eating one for ourselves.

.

.

Alfred: Why is Master Jason in our kitchen on an undetermined family day... making macaroons?

Tim, not looking up from his phone: JK R*wling was on his fyp today

Alfred: Ah, I see.... Well, at least Master Jason has not—

[from afar] Jason: WHERE'S THE FUCKING RED 40.

Alfred:

Alfred: Well, at least he didn't ask for Blueberries.

.

.

Jason: I made 100 cookies 😠 because you shouted at me 😠😠 for finishing the job during patrol last night 😠😠😠

Bruce: Mm.

Jason: This is all YOUR FAULT. I expect to be renumerated for EVERYTHING — the ingredients, the electric bill, the time.

Bruce: Mm.

Jason: And you're NOT getting any this time! 😠 I gave it away to the orphanage two blocks from my apartment 😠 because only those orphans deserve my treats 😠😠😠

Bruce: Okay.

Jason:

Bruce:

Bruce, also emotionally constipated and trying hard in therapy: Do you want a hug?

Jason: ...fuck you.

Like Bruce is leading Clark and Diana through the Manor and chatting and randomly walks around the middle of the hallway for no reason and Diana follows him while Clark just walks headfirst into Duke and neither Duke nor Bruce realized what they'd done

Tim is casually talking with a couple of friends he has over and randomly picks up a sandwich from the plate in the middle of the table and holds it over his shoulder where it just disappears

Steph is helping Alfred set the table and just shoves a glass bowl into the abyss and lets go and Alfred is two seconds away from screaming when he realizes 'oh, Duke is holding it' and Steph didn't even realize he wasn't visible.

(In no order ↓)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dick!Robin: I stole your (Idk) card and bought myself the most expansive thing I could find! *presents a fairly expansive comic book*

Bruce: good job, chum.

Dick!Robin, now confused: yeah, thanks..?

- - -

Damian: I bought a cat tree for Alfred (the cat)

*gestures at a cat tree the size of a truck, complete with something that looks vaguely like a training course.*

Bruce, kinda impressed: that's good, I like the colour you picked.

Damian:

- - -

Jason, not fully back home and angry at Bruce: I used your money to pay for my house

Bruce feeling glad, but in the most monotone voice: how did you get that?

Jason, thinking he cracked the secret to angering him: a magician never reveals his secrets.

- - -

Cass, pointing at a white statue of her:

Bruce, touched and actually emotional: where did you get that? It looks great, we'll put it in the garden.

- - -

Tim, playing a game on a suspiciously expansive looking gaming set-up that wasn't there before: hey boss.

Bruce, mentally noting down the game: morning sweetheart.

Tim, bafled:

- - -

Duke, feeling kind off bad: Bruce, I might've bought something with you money.

Bruce: that's okay, sunshine, what did you get yourself?

Duke, somehow feeling worse about what he did: just something little.

Bruce: okay sunshine

- - -

Stephanie, after buying the ugliest piece of Spoiler merch she could find: sooo bossman, whatcha think?

Bruce, wearing a too-small purple t-shirt with a slightly tilted Spoiler logo: it's too small and you really could've gotten a better quality one with my money.

Stephanie: will do next time!

Annoying siblings, teammates, or goons who work for you? Just yoink them like misbehaving cats.

Steph is in his seat? Fine, he just plops on top of her(no, she does not learn her lesson, she continues to keep stealing his seats, something about Jason being like a weighted blanket).

He needs a book he can’t reach? Grabs Damian and holds him up so he can grab it (Damian the first time was startled and nearly kicked Jason in the jaw, now he just kinda accepts his fate while grumbling).

He carries Cass and Duke under his arms as a part of some weight training. They don’t even weigh anything to him, but Cass enjoys being limp like a cat and Duke can talk to Jason during that time about overlapping territories for patrol, and whatever book/movie he’s read/seen recently.

Tim is working too much? Send Jason, he just picks him upside down or throws him over his shoulder and just walks around until Tim falls asleep(after various attempts to try and paralyze/stun Jason mind you).

Dick takes advantage of his little brother’s height and muscle but using him as a jungle gym. Jason just stands there, making the deepest sigh of his life.

baffled, everybody else watches as Damian looks up from his book in a bewildered fashion, gradually turns from confused to sceptical, and asks, “…Why, what’d you do?”

“I may have accidentally blown up another helicopter.”

Damian takes this in calmly. “Twenty dollars.” He demands. The masked teenager squints.

“Five.”

“Twenty.”

“Ten.”

“Twenty.”

“Eleven.”

“Nineteen.”

“Fifteen.”

“Seventeen.”

“Done.”

Damian takes the money from the older boy and then causally turns to Bruce before telling him, “Father, this is my eighteen year old half-brother, Hood. he struggles with paranoia and is slightly mentally unstable from being submerged in the lazarus pit while young, which is why he keeps his name and face confidential from everybody other than our immediate family on our mother’s side. if Mother calls, please tell her Hood has been staying with us for the weekend.”

the rest of the bats are completely indignant, but Hood just considers Damian’s words for a few seconds and then resigns himself to, “Yeah, guess that’s fair.” and doesn’t deny anything, baffling them even more.

and that’s how the Waynes become acquainted with Hood, the probable-pyromaniac-definite-bad-influence older brother that, as it becomes increasingly clear the more he comes around, Damian adores with his whole heart. it’s also how it becomes a semi-regular occurrence that Damian’s older brother runs to the manor to demand refuge and plausible deniability from whatever bullshit he’s done at the league that Ra’s 100% knows he did but can’t fucking prove, at which point Hood will just hide with the Waynes for a few days, masked up 24/7, running around with Damian and causing chaos, confusing the fuck out of everybody because this is the first time they’ve ever been able to see Damian indulge in a genuine childhood sibling-dynamic and it knocks the bats off their feet Every Fucking Time. the only time that boy ever acts like a child is when Hood comes to visit and it both infuriates Dick and Tim, fills them with jealousy, and makes them oddly relieved to know that underneath that weird victorian-boy shell, there’s an actual modern-day child somewhere in there.

*pauses the reading* He brought out... a Batman cape.... out of nowhere? Does he just.... carry it with him everywhere...? Wrap it around himself like a blanket... does he wrap it around him like a blanket at night... or sit on his couch in it with a book and the fire in the fireplace...

*pauses and reflects deeply* Does he just... steal everyone's clothes...? I think he stole the spare Nightwing suit in BiB...(?) what's he going to do, make a Omega nest...? *babbling in delirium*