The Augurey

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I will always remember that twice a week, around the kitchen table, my sister would sit down with my dad for hours, and they would try to work out her math homework. I should mention that my dad is an artist, and art teacher. Truth be told I think he struggled with math just as much if not more then she did. But twice a week you could hear them downstairs, going back and forth, trying to figure it out together. Some nights would be smooth and easy, some nights I could hear them arguing from one floor up about factors or equations, not in anger but in mutual frustration.

I remember the day that she passed. My sister couldn’t wait until my dad’s school day ended, so she called him at work. She gleefully announced to him “I got a D-!”. We could hear him through the phone as he exclaimed “She got a D!” excitedly to his class. Still through the phone we heard his students clapping, laughing and whooping in congratulations. Seldom has a grade in our household been so celebrated.

therapist: …

me: i think i’ll just go back to not eating

therapist: …

therapist: you have an eating disorder

me:

me: *fasts for day*

ed: actually fuck it just eat everything in sight

me:

Me then: omg lol I like food wayyyy too much to be anorexic

Me currently:

Did my pants get loose because of weight loss or from stretching out on my flab?

Am I recovering for real or using recovery as an excuse to binge?

Is it water weight or fat gain?

Is my hair falling out due to the weather or malnutrition?

Did I miss my period because of my ED or am I pregnant?

We have 3 months till the end of 2017.