My Transition

I am, for the first time in my entire life, confused about my gender. It is extremely frustrating. I am pretty positive at this point that I am not male. But I know that no female labels fit me at all. I am neither a girl nor a lady; I am still far from it. I am still pretty masculine-identified though. Being called a man or a boy does not bother me usually. But for some reason that I have yet to understand, “he” is starting to bother me. Not as much as “she”, but still it’s bothersome. I have come to terms with some more feminine aspects of my being though. I like to wear nail polish, actually I prefer it. And occasionally I like make-up and ‘girl’ clothes. I like dresses; even though I haven’t worn one in four years, I think I would like to and I do know that I like the fashion of them from just seeing a lot of gorgeous ones on Tumblr. And when I get farther and farther into these things, I think that maybe I am somehow girl-identified but even in those moments, that doesn’t feel right. I’m definitely not just flamboyant or something of the like. Can I be not completely male but not at all female while still liking most ‘female’ things? I don’t know. Maybe? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what I am. I’ve determined that I’m just going identify as a masculine-identified genderfuck.

My voice cracks pretty often.

My singing got worse, if you can imagine.

I actually managed to be hornier than my usual.

Hungry all the fucking time.

I'm getting my father's lovely unibrow. Thank god for waxing.

Definitely more facial hair but not like a redic amount.

Have to pee WAY more than my normal and when I feel like I need to potty, I need to potty asap.

I always feel hot. Even in snow. Apparently I've turned into a space heater.

It's steadily gotten harder to do my shots.

Three shots ago, I went an extra 12 hours over my intended time to do it because I couldn't get the balls to do it. Then when I did it, I nearly passed out. It was awful and terrifying.

Two shots ago, I did it in less than five minutes because I was trying to impress by trans friend.

Last shot, I went two days past when I wanted to do it because I was terrified and kept nearly passing out. So I went to the shot clinic and they did it for me. But I still had to hold on to Bri and bury my face for dear life.