thatsohkaye

There she is again Staring blankly into my soul She looks familiar But the gaze feels like it's from a stranger I dream of becoming one with her Yet the gap between us is like stars away from earth Who is she? As I was looking into her eyes She emits energy no one can unfold Found courage to step a little closer But the air was too tight that we started to pant I think I know her She wanted to extend her grip Hoping to hold onto something steady With hesitation—standing still— She reclaimed her stance Once again, I caught her eyes Something glistened Not long enough they fall down "They will never understand", she whispers I heard a voice A glimpse of her face Realized I'm looking in the mirror

Your presence tastes like that of a rose Hearing your voice feels like a night in a cold, cold breeze I can see rainbow whenever your name flashes through my eyes And I smell sweetness every time I see your face Every song tends to remind me of you I want no help but I fear I need a cue The one that will tell me you are my blue Skin to skin I need nothing but the calmness it brings I don't understand but whenever you speak, all I hear is your gaze To be freed is not a dream, just let me be in your embrace Will stay here and wait till my name splashes red in your life

I love it when I can hear your smiles—

How genuine they are even if I close my eyes

I'll endure the pain of not having you in sight

If that means you are winning your fight

I'll look above and there I'll see you, my light

Just go and I will never blame

Because you grind to be in your game

I only want to hear you call my name

That's it and the feelings will be the same

I hope one day you heal.

Dito sa mundong punong puno ng ingay Sa iyong tinig lamang ako napapalagay Paligid ma'y mapalibutan ng mga estranghero Mata mo pa rin ang makikita—yun ang klaro Panahon ma'y mag-iba Palagi akong mapalad na nakilala ka Sa akin ay sapat nang maramdaman ang 'yong presensya Kailanma'y 'di ka lilimutin, iyan ang aking pasya

Nights will never sparkle without the presence of the stars. Silence and darkness embraced. Wind touches the skin, moves the hair, and brings calmness. As tears roll down the cheeks, there will be fingers to wipe them away. The lips will be sealed as the nose inhales the fresh air. The absence of light brings togetherness of thoughts accumulated during the day. This is the best time to be free and think of nothing.

Trying to put your life together is a tough one especially if you are still seeking for the thing that you really want to do. For the people who are in their 20s, it will take a tiresome time to realize what shit they want to do with their lives.

It’s almost midnight and I am here, sitting on my bed—in front of my laptop—trying to put my thoughts into words. It is always hard for me to express, but I think it is time to be true to myself. Being in the age where you are expected to be good at the thing that you thought you are good at doing is a total nightmare. People will think that you must be good at this and that because this is what you are trying to pursue. But the real thing is, there are a lot of people who are way better that you—and you, you will never be recognized. Because of that, you will end up disappointing those who are expecting a lot from you; and you will disappoint the most important person in this journey, yourself. End of the game.

But, is it really where the story must end? I think no. At least I don’t think so. That is just the beginning of your story. There are no easy challenges in real life. If you are going to give up easily just because you feel like you already gave your all and you still cannot feel the positive outcome of it, then you are not yet giving the best fight that you could give. Keep in mind that, most of the successful people in the world did not wake up one morning with a million dollar in their hands. You don’t get the things that you want on a silver platter—you must work hard for it. Yes, it is cliché, but you must remind yourself that even richest person in the entire world is also having a lot of hard times just to do what he wants to do.

Along your way to the journey of your life, you’ll encounter problems. There are problems that are easy but there are also ones that might test your patience and your strength and giving up is never the answer. There are some people who are blessed to have an optimistic mindset and I envy those people. I have always dreamed of being a futuristic person, but I guess I just don’t want to set my hopes so high and end up being nothing. So, I always try to remind myself that I am still in the process of learning things and knowing myself more.

I hear the silence of the night and after a few hours, the sun will again rise. The sun is a reminder to me that for as long as there is a light to follow, my future is still bright. The darkness of the night is a reminder that everyone needs a break and just embrace the end of the day for tomorrow will be another day of struggling.

Just do you. Do what you want to do and don’t pressure yourself too much. Don’t get discouraged because of the people who are already there, in the process of reaching their goals and dreams in life. Your time will come. You have your own timeline. The world will surprise you and you will be in awe when God works and lead you to where you are supposed to be.

It feels great; Waking up every morning feeling brave. It feels great; Opening the eyes with pleasure of being not alone. It feels great; Aware of the heart beating normal. It feels great; Having someone to hold on to.

But, It is never great to realize everything is just a dream. Being in the real moment-- as afraid as yesterday. Being in the real moment-- feeling detached to everyone. Being in the real moment-- anxiety causes heart beating fast. Being in the real moment-- having only thyself to hold on to.

I'll miss the feeling of having to wake up early. 

I'll miss the feeling of being excited about the first day of class. 

I'll miss skipping breakfast just to have more time for sleep. 

I'll miss wasting time staring at my closet thinking what I should wear for school. 

I'll miss the daily routine (wake up early, take a bath, get dressed, leave home, ride a bus to school, attend class, go home, repeat). 

I'll miss catching up with my friends every first day of school. 

I'll miss having lunch and snack time with my friends. 

I'll miss the feeling of being nervous about introducing myself to the professors during first day of classes. 

I'll miss seing familiar faces on the hallway. 

I'll miss the small talk with the acquaintances. 

I'll miss throwing jokes with my classmates. 

I'll miss asking my classmates for a yellow pad. 

I'll miss turning a whole yellow pad into half or 1/4. 

I'll miss borrowing ballpen from my classmate. 

I'll miss attending class and pretending to be awake.

I'll miss taking pictures of the notes. 

I'll miss having sleepless nights just to finish a requirement. 

I'll miss feeling anxious about what grades I'll get to the subjects I hate. 

I'll miss feeling thankful for getting a passing grade even though I know I never did my best. 

I'll miss the written exams. 

I'll miss the surprise quizes. 

I'll miss having my name called during recitations. 

I'll miss the recitations (though I often tend to say I don't know the answer just because I don't want to sound stupid--then will end up realizing that the answer I got in my head was actually correct). 

I'll miss taking online exams. 

I'll miss the student fare discount. 

I'll miss arguing with my friends; 'where should we eat?' 

I'll miss the heat of the sun touching my skin every time I walk towards our building. 

I'll miss riding three different transportation vehicles just to get to the university. 

I'll miss greeting our professors. 

I'll miss the meetings. 

I'll miss attending classes. 

I'll miss my friends. 

I'll miss my blockmates. 

But most of all... 

I'll miss being a student. 

Wala akong madama, 

Sarili ko'y andito pa ba? 

Tingin ko'y di ito maisasalba, 

Pagkat lagi na lang nadarapa. 

Bakit ba ganito ang tadhana? 

Mga gusto'y lagi na lang naaantala. 

Dahil ba ang sagot lagi ay bahala na? 

O baka naman sarili'y 'di makita. 

 Balang araw, gusto ng puso'y maisisigaw. 

Pipiliting hindi na muling maligaw, 

Upang mga kamay ay hindi na bumitaw, 

Sa ganda ng buhay na nakakapukaw. 

Binabangon ang sarili 

Sa hamon ng buhay na pilit iniintindi. 

Ano pa ba ang dapat sabihin kundi 'sige' 

Itutuloy lang ang laban na kay tindi. 

Hanggang ngayon ay hinahanap pa rin ang sarili. Bakit ba ganito, baka pagtanggap muna ang dapat unahin. Bawat luhang pumapatak, hindi alam ang dahilan. Wala kang dapat ipangamba, yan ang sabi ng iba. Ngunit mas malakas ang sigaw ng puso at isipan, “mukang wala kang patutunguhan.”

Ibang ako ang nais kong makilala. Ibang ako ang gusto kong iharap sa madla. Ibang ako ang hanap ng tao. Oo sila, sila na walang kinalaman sa akin. Sila ang palaging inaalala. Huwag ako ang sisihin, hindi ko rin alam ang aking sasabihin. Huwag mo akong tatanungin ng anumang tungkol sa akin. Huwag ngayon.

Balang araw, sana sarili ay makita. Balang araw, sana sarili ay mahalin. Balang araw, sana sarili ay tanggapin.

Balang araw.

It’s been three days since I got back from Korea and it is just now that I am feeling overwhelmed with all the things that I experienced during the tour in South Korea that is why I am writing this blog entry; to have something to read when I want to remember everything. But, nothing will beat the heart and mind when it comes to memory holder.