escaping reality

the only thing that i want right now in this whole world more than anything ever is to have someone to love. have someone there for me and too care for me. someone that's there during the hard times and someone to rest my shoulder on. but i just can't. to me it's near impossible and for the sadness reasons but also the biggest reasons. and that is i’m so scared, i don't want to love someone to the point where im scared to lose them, its the reason i don't get attached to people because i know that at any moment the can just walk out my life leaving me even more broken then i already am. and to be truthful i get it. i get why people wouldn't like me, and i hate myself for that. i mean no boy wants a insecure, depressed girl with ptsd, adhd and anxiety. a girl who is empty inside, a girl how is broken and cant be fixed, a girl who is damaged for life both physically and mentally, a girl who is numb to pain yet feels nothing and everything, a girl how isn't loved and cared for, a girl how wants so badly to just yell at the top of her lungs; “fuck this peace out world”. and mainly a lost girl who has never loved or been in love before. i mean why is it so hard like?. my hope is that one day i leave this earth and go to my home, my home is my happy place, my comfortable space, my space full of friends and most importantly the space where i feel safe. if there is one thing that i have learnt. over the long time i have been here is that home is not a real location for physical spot it. is that feeling you get. you know what im talking about, the feeling that puts a massive smile on your face and just makes you feel so. grateful. for every little thing :( 

the only thing that is keeping me going is the hope and dream that one day i will be able to go home. back to the world where i smiled as i awoke, back to the world where i truly love everyone in my life, back to the world that i didn't want to leave and back to the place where i didnt want to die, back to the place where i didn't hate myself, back to the place where i didn't go to bed crying, back to the place where i didnt mask my feelings and struggle in silence. i just want to go home ... is that so fucking hard ?  

i hate the fact that i put one a smile for the people who hate me. i hate the fact that i try to please everyone else and make them happy when the light inside of me is slowly dying. i hate the fact that i no longer believe in love and soulmates and that i never want or believe that i will get married. i hate the fact that my parents and people around me will say that i am selfish and rude when the only reason i am still here is because i care about them and because i don't want to put them through even half of what i have been through both mentally and physically. i hate the fact that i don't want to have kids because i don't want them to go through what i have been going through since i realised that the earth is a horrible and cruel place to be and its only getting worse. 

i wish younger me knew what was ahead of her so it didn't hurt so bad. when i was younger i always wanted to grow up and help the world like being a magical fairy or a vet. now i am barely hanging one and the people how have saved me so many fucking times don't even know it and that upsets me so damn much.