A Realm of Shit

oh my god its real

People/ Joestars have asked me in the past (at Norcal gatherings & such) how i make my Jotaro Kujo hat for either cosplay or for casual wear that isn’t the dumb retail one. So now, i’m making this guide w/ my findings & tips from other ppl whom i’ve asked for help w/ in the past (Shoutout to “stardustcrusades”). Do note that this is bloody lengthy & has hella pictures in it to help. Reblogs are ideal, cuz who knows somebody who truly needs it, really…

#1. First off, purchase a Foreign Legion Hat. It’s usually available in stock on whichever retail site that’s between $10-$30; not too bad. Don’t worry, that hat is gunna serve as the base & it’s gunna look great by the time you’re done w/ it. It looks like so & its a *hard-cardboard material-like* which I think is necessary:

When you get it, definitely remove the black band on the front & rip off the flap in back w/ a seam ripper, as those are just trash. Link where you can get one from many other retail sites (again, note the material if you buy here like I have): http://www.gentlemansemporium.com/store/004358.php

2. The Paint ~ Use whichever color of fabric paint you want on it using multiple coats until you get a solid cover on color on it. I personally like using the Martha Steward brand of acrylic glitter paint. It works just as well. Do note if you’re going to change the color of the bill of the hat, use 2 coats minimum of spray paint on it first (whichever color is closest to your preferred overall hat color), THEN use your prefered type of acrylic paint on the bill. When it’s spray painted first, it serves as the base for your preferred color & comes out much better & brighter when it’s finished. An example would be when i made my glitter blue Jotaro hat, i used blue spray paint on the bill then covered the whole thing in glitter paint. Looks like this: 

if you look closely past the shiny glitter, there’s an underlying coat of regular blue spray paint on the bill. Trust me, it helps. Remember to use the usual # of coats from your varnish or finish on the bill as well. #3. Measurements & the Cut. ~ Here’s where things get a bit iffy. This tutorial is tailored towards wearing the hat in a casual manner. If you intend to wear the hat to cosplay Jotaro but don’t have his natural hair style from the back, then you gotta find a way to attach a wig to your hat, as I have NO exp with wigs.  As for the cut, measure an inch or half-an-inch or whatever your preference (Whittle it down as you see fit to accommodate your hair better afterward) from the bottom & mark your initial cut line there. 

The purpose of this is to leave a small band in the back so it can still wrap around your hat & sit normally. For my preferences, I keep cutting down the horizontal line until i get to the 4 inch mark from that creased line on the back of the hat there in the pic, but I’d suggest cutting it shorter than the 4 inches so it’d stay on your head easier. Anyway from there, cut upward & around the hat, leaving zigzags along the way to make it look ripped up. Be SURE that your cuts are even-leveled since it’ll look off if you don’t.

While you’re at it, paint the band in the back w/ a black colored paint as you want it blend in w/ the hair, or whatever color your ideal hair/wig is.

Also do the same under the bill

#4. The Strip ~ For the strip that runs along the front of Jotaro’s hat along w/ the button, hand emblem, or w/e Jotaro hat accessories you’re going to stick on there, you’re going to need to paint on the accessories, apply a varnish or finish to said paint, & then glue it on for final attachment. First things first, the strip comes from a birthday headband that you can get at a Dollar Store after you ripped off the b-day stuff & reduced it to it’s original form, which is this at first;

After you rip off the crap:

Once you do that, do the Usual color change to it. Ya know: paint several coats of paint on it, then use a varnish or finish on it, then prep to fit & e6000 glue the thing onto the hat. You’re going to need to cut & trim off the edges just to make it look like it fits correctly above the bill, from one point of it to the other. When you glue it on & wait for it to set, use clamps that you can get from Home Depot or something to hold it for you so you don’t gotta:

#5. Accessories ~ For the Hand emblem, button, or w/e Jotaro crap you’ll stick on the hat, I use this kind of clay (alternatives are the sculpty foam spray thats lighter or a 3D printer). Then I carve it out w/ an exacto knife (it usually measures out half an inch afterward), bake it in the oven for a bit (depending on your oven strength), paint, varnish, glue, then hang to dry. This kind-of clay:

In process (not my best cutwork):

Bake (assuming the heat didn’t make any cracks in it. If it does, use more clay reinforcement next time), paint, varnish, e600 glue it on hat, then leave it to dry upward so it doesn’t slip off, like on your doorknob overnight:

*In case you wanna repaint & the whole deal but it’s alrdy glued onto the hat, just rip it off (it’s not that hard) & do it, BUT APPLY THE FINISH TO THE BACK IN CASE YOU DO! Otherwise the clay will rip into pieces & some will still be on the hat. Example:

#6. Final Product ~ Assuming i didn’t forget any prior steps, it should look like so (some of my hats now don’t look like these due to modifications but you get the jist of it):

Finally did it!! I hope this helps a few of you! I am sorry if it doesn’t make sense…I tried… =w=;;

Here are a few videos I referenced: [x] [x]

HOW TO POLNAREFF WIG

Step 1: I started with a really shitty eBay wig from a now closed shop. It was actually both curly and super trashed beforehand, but I straightened it and saved it. Then I cut it off a little below where I wanted the mullet part to be and saved the rest because I knew I would want to use the extra hair to cover the rest of the nonsense.

Step 2) the teasing of the wig begins! Regardless of your feelings on drag queens, please watch YouTube wig teasing tutorials from drag queens instead of cosplayers. None of the cosplay tutorials (yet) are good enough for this. I parted off the hair to the part above the mullet in the back and began to tease. Instead of hairspray, I was using Super 77 spray glue.

Step 3) using scissors, trim your mess of teasing to a level of flat top you think is about right. Cut it too tall rather than too short; it’s easier to take off more if you have to! Also this is where I started using a hairdryer and a fuckload of hairspray to form the back of the mullet, trimming excess hair as I went.

Step 4) try the wig on. It was too tall, so I cut it shorter.

Step 5) now is the time to take the excess hair and cover the hairline extension and the back split so that it doesn’t look like ass! This is nearly impossible with loose hair, so I put the hair lined up on foil, put Tacky Glue on the ends, and let it dry. Then I split apart individual segments, hot glued them into place, and cut a zigzag pattern with scissors to form a fake hairline. They’re held in place over the flat top with both a metric fuckton of hairspray and a few dabs of hot glue where SERIOUSLY needed. And yes, I glued some in the back and sides under the mullet. You really can’t tell unless you look super closely at the back view. Make sure you glue the hair at the proper angle; you can see here how I changed the angle depending on where in the hairline I was.

Intuition

I tried to make a home outta you. But doors lead to trapdoors. A stairway leads to nothing. Unknown women wander the hallways at night. Where do you go when you go quiet? You remind me of my father, a magician. Able to exist in two places at once. In the tradition of men in my blood you come home at 3AM and lie to me. What are you hiding? The past, and the future merge to meet us here. What luck. What a fucking curse.

Denial

I tried to change. Closed my mouth more. Tried to be soft, prettier. Less…awake.

Fasted for 60 days. Wore white. Abstained from mirrors. Abstained from sex. Slowly did not speak another word.

In that time my hair grew past my ankles. I slept on a mat on the floor. I swallowed a sword. I levitated… into the basement, I confessed my sins and was baptized in a river. Got on my knees and said, “Amen.” And said I mean. I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet. I threw myself into a volcano. I drank the blood and drank the wine. I sat alone and begged and bent at the waist for God. I crossed myself and thought… I saw the devil. I grew thickened skin on my feet. I bathed…in bleach and plugged my menses with pages from the Holy Book. But still inside me coiled deep was the need to know. Are you cheating? Are you cheating on me?

Anger

If this what you truly want. I can wear her skin…over mine. Her hair, over mine. Her hands as gloves. Her teeth as confetti. Her scalp, a cap. Her sternum, my bedazzled cane. We can pose for a photograph. All three of us, immortalized. You and your perfect girl.

I don’t know when love became elusive. What I know is no one I know has it. My father’s arms around my mother’s neck. Fruit too ripe to eat.

I think of lovers as trees… …growing to and from one another. Searching for the same light. Why can’t you see me? Why can’t you see me? (Why can’t you) Why can’t you see me? Everyone else can.

Apathy

So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead. Rest in peace, my true love, who I took for granted, most bomb pussy, who because of me, sleep evaded. Her shroud is loneliness. Her God was listening. Her heaven would be a love without betrayal. Ashes to ashes…dust to side chicks.

Emptiness

She sleeps all day…dreams of you in both worlds.

Tills the blood in and out of uterus. Wakes up smelling of zinc. Grief, sedated by orgasm. Orgasm heightened by grief. God was in the room when the man said to the woman, “I love you so much. Wrap your legs around me and pull me in, pull me in, pull me in.” Sometimes when he’d have her nipple in his mouth, she’d whisper, “Oh my God.” That, too, is a form of worship. Her hips grind pestle and mortar, cinnamon and cloves, whenever he pulls out.

Loss. Dear moon, we blame you for floods…for the flush of blood…for men who are also wolves. We blame you for the night, for the dark, for the ghosts.

Every fear… Every nightmare…anyone has ever had.

Accountability

You find the black tube inside her beauty case. Where she keeps your father’s old prison letters. You desperately want to look like her. You look nothing like your mother. You look everything like your mother. Film star, beauty. How to wear your mother’s lipstick. You go to the bathroom to apply the lipstick. Somewhere no one can find you. You must wear it like she wears disappointment on her face. Your mother is a woman. And women like her can not be contained.

Mother dearest, let me inherit the Earth. Teach me how to make him beg. Let me make up for the years he made you wait. Did he bend your reflection? Did he make you forget your own name? Did he convince you he was a God? Did you get on your knees daily? Do his eyes close like doors? Are you a slave to the back of his head? Am I talking about your husband or your father?

Reformation

He bathes me… …until I forget their names…and faces. I ask him to look me in the eye when I come…home. Why do you deny yourself heaven? Why do you consider yourself undeserving? Why are you afraid of love? You think it’s not possible for someone like you. But you are the love of my life…love of my life…the love of my life…the love of my life.

Forgiveness

Baptize me… …now that reconciliation is possible. If we’re gonna heal, let it be glorious. One thousand girls raise their arms.

Do you remember being born?

Are you thankful? Are the hips that cracked… …the deep velvet of your mother… …and her mother… …and her mother? There is a curse that will be broken.

Resurrection

You are terrifying… …and strange… …and beautiful.

Hope

The nail technician pushes my cuticles back… …turns my hand over, stretches the skin on my palm and says: “I see your daughters, and their daughters.” That night in a dream the first girl emerges from a slit in my stomach. The scar heals into a smile. The man I love pulls the stitches out with his fingernails. We leave black sutures curling on the side of the bath. I wake as the second girl crawls headfirst up my throat. A flower blossoming out of the hole in my face.

Redemption

Take one pint of water, add a half pound of sugar, the juice of eight lemons… …the zest of half lemon. Pour the water from one jug, then into the other, several times. Strain through a clean napkin.

Grandmother, the alchemist. You spun gold out of this hard life. Conjured beauty from the things left behind. Found healing where it did not live. Discovered the antidote in your own kitchen. Broke the curse with your own two hands. You passed these instructions down to your daughter. Who then passed it down to her daughter.

My grandma said, nothing real can be threatened. True love brought salvation back into me. With every tear came redemption. And my torturer became my remedy.

So we’re gonna heal, we’re gonna start again. You’ve brought the orchestra. Synchronized swimmers, you are the magician. Pull me back together again the way you cut me in half. Make the woman in doubt disappear. Pull the sorrow from between my legs like silk, knot after knot after knot. The audience applauds… …but we can’t hear them.