That Girl

I’m known for having a bad “picker” and my family and friends aren’t talking about picking my nose!  I historically have liked those guys who can’t love me -completely detached - and I ignore those men that treat me well.  I haven’t completely figured out why I make my decisions, but every time I think I’ve worked through it, I end up in a relationship that’s negative. I’ve decided that part of the reason I pick the way I do is to take an “ok” guy who because of his love for me, becomes a great guy.  The problem is that never happens.  They don’t become great and instead of feeling fantastic myself, I end up feeling like there’s something wrong with me because I am not loved by these guys.  I suspect that they have regrets, but they are too small-minded to acknowledge it or say they’re sorry.  Moving on.....

Since my divorce, I’ve gone out with three guys.  In my typical Rose-Colored Glasses mode, I’ve put them on a pedestal and they didn’t have to try too hard to get my attention.  One I fell madly in love with, and he destroyed me in a way that only one other man has.  

I was at a wedding outside of Houston, Texas last week.  We were setting up the reception area in an old barn, when an old cowboy walked in, complete with cowboy hat and boots; he was the owner.  He started talking to the bride and I about the wedding.  He said that there was no better way to start a marriage than a barn wedding.  He told us that’s how he started his marriage 69 years ago.  I was trying to do a quick calculation to figure out his age, but he kept talking.  Gave the best advice I’ve heard in a long time - he said, “Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not guaranteed, and all you have is today. My wife and I just did it one day at a time. He has 6 kids, 12 grandkids, and 37 great grandkids.  The funniest thing he said was “Yep, and we’re all voting for Donald Trump.  We like him.  He wants to give our country back to us and will shoot first and ask questions later. That’s how we do it out here in Texas”.  

This weekend my ex-husband asked me to watch his nine-year-old son. I haven't been married to this man for almost 23 years, and much of the time we've been divorced, he hasn't liked me very much.  Not to mention, I kind of wondered where the mom of this kid was that he couldn't stay with her.  Nonetheless, he's my kids' half brother and....oh....I haven't mentioned the fact that I love this kid.  How can I describe him?  He's half Hispanic, but looks like a little Hawaiian. He has long hair, a little curly, with sun streaks.  He's small, and although he's almost 10, looks like he could be younger.  He's a typical kid, likes video games and skateboarding....although his skateboard recently got stolen. 

I heard a sermon on Mercy today by Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church.  This is the condensed version.

Why be merciful?

God has shown me mercy.

God commands me to be merciful.

I'm going to need more mercy in the future. 

Showing mercy brings happiness. 

Mercy starts at home....

Marriage is the union of great forgiveness.....

How can I be merciful?

Be patient with people's quirks. 

Help anyone hurting around me.

Give people a second chance.

Do good to those who hurt me.

Be kind to those who offend me. 

Build bridges of love to the unpopular (pre-meditated mercy).

You must value relationships over rules (people before policies and love over law).

I DARE YOU TO:

Commit an act of pre-meditated mercy. Err on the side of being too merciful....too forgiving.

It's life-sometimes nothing goes right. The more you try to plan and control, the less things seem to go according to plan. Some people are planners and everything they do seems to go according to plan. Not me. I plan, and the plan invariably falls apart. I'm learning to start with a loose plan, but remain flexible; it's important to have the ability to revise "the plan".

I'm in the middle of a divorce.  Money is tight, my husband didn't have me served until recently, the house isn't selling, and my performance in school this semester was less than stellar.  My "plan" had been to sell the house easily for a substantial amount of money in a gaining market, set up an HSA medical plan to resolve the issue of no health insurance, bank the money I made on the house, bank most of my alimony and take a vacation to help start my new life.  Instead, the housing market has flattened, no one is even looking at my house, my soon-to-be ex-husband is on disability with a knee injury and there is little money.  I started to panic because my "plan" wasn't taking shape.  I started to feel like I'm going to be 50, divorced, broke, and alone. 

There is true strength in the ability to revise plans. Instead of assuming things are going to be bad, assume they will be better. I have a deep faith that God has my best interests at heart.  In spite of that, I sometimes forget, and in the moment, I fear that life will not work out for me.  And then I'm reminded that not only has He gotten me through some pretty tough times, but He has consistently made my life unique, exciting at times, and has brought awesome new situations that were unexpected. Instead of panicking, I'm learning to yearn for the adventure of a new experience. We need to believe in our ability to figure it all out. I need to remember that even when things are challenging, it won't stay that way. 

When I was a little girl, dreams filling my head ALL day long, my favorite was someday being a "two-time divorce girl". Yeah, right! My dreams were actually of a Prince Charming who loved me beyond all measure, white picket fences (or a mansion?), laughing children and trips...... what happened to that dream?  Bad choices along the way, eyes closed by promises made by men who can't keep them and not opening my eyes until it was too late.  Instead of listening to wisdom, I listened to sales pitches. A few broken hearts later, I'm wondering if I will die before I meet my soul mate, the one person who is safe to love. It's embarrassing and disappointing. But this won't get me down.  I'm not just a "two-time divorce girl"; I'm so many other "girls".  Happy girl, Christian girl, momma girl, friendly girl, shy girl, angry girl, travel girl, and even sometimes a vodka girl. I think "hopeful girl" should replace the two-time divorce girl.  Cut myself some slack and move forward into a

olive oil

3 cloves garlic

1 lb ground beef

1 lb hot Italian sausage

1-2 T paprika (or as much as you like)

2 tsp. salt

1 T. pepper

crushed red pepper (to your own taste)

1-2 tsp thyme

1 1/2 large cans of tomato juice

1 box (serves 8) of shell or elbow macaroni

Heat 1-2 T. olive oil and add chopped garlic.  Cook 1 minute and add all meat. While meat is browning, add paprika, salt, pepper, crushed red pepper and thyme.  When meat is cooked, add tomato juice and simmer for 20-30 minutes.  Add macaroni and cook until al dente.