The many adventures of that girl Blu

After a long battle with chronic illness and countless messages of unsolicited medical advice, I finally have the answer to obtaining complete and total wellness. All you have to do is:

Just think positive, do yoga, meditate, free base CBD, do kale suppositories, get apple cider vinegar IV’s, become a robot, pull the sword from the stone, fulfill the prophecy, stop forest fires, hire a unicorn and pay them a living wage, visit Montana, eat only raw, vegan, gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, grain free, soy free, nut free, and free free covfefe, bake yourself at 450° with grass fed butter and serve warm on a bed of kale and açaí berries that were blessed by the good witch from Oz, think happy thoughts, fill a bathtub with healing magnets, take Kratom, drink water infused with azurite crystals, skip honey just eat raw bees, only breathe non-gmo fresh air, just stop using spoons and use only forks, and most of all, just remember that if you tell yourself you’re not sick, you’ll not be sick because mind over matter. And more kale.

World of Warcraft:

Quest: Follow this guy to this place

*follows guy*

*arrives at place*

*completes quest*

*upon turning in quest, receives new quest from other guy in room*

Quest: Leave this place and go to this other place over there

Husband: K

Me: So about the

Husband: WHAT IS THE SQUARE ROOT OF LYNDON B. JOHNSON??

So I don’t usually do the whole “oh em gee social media, lookit how great my marriage is” thing, mostly because I find it obnoxious. It’s not that I’m not perfectly head over heels in love with my very best friend on this planet, because I am. It’s just that usually the whole “Jeepers crow, lookit how in love we are” thing is, well, to be frank, bullshit. And it’s annoying. And no one cares, usually.

Oh and yes, I did just say “Jeepers Crow”. You’re welcome, internet.

But I’m breaking my rule because I need to gush for once, so allow me to force feed you all of my enthusiasm and no you may not borrow my awesome spork for the occasion. I need that spork. That’s my spork.

Any way, cutting right to the chase, I have to say...I really, really, REALLY just fucking love my husband. Like, that’s it. I just love him. A lot. I have all kinds of lovely love for that man, I tell you. But you know what? There’s more though.

My husband isn’t perfect. Neither am I. Myself, especially, am painfully far from it. And we annoy each other. We do. We fight sometimes. We argue like normal couples do. We put up with each others bullshit. But at the end of the day, good, bad, or indifferent, that man is there. And he’s there through everything. And when things get hard, he’s still there. Always. And THAT is what people like him should be celebrated for.

The other day he got an award at work. It was MVP or something, and it was pretty neat. He got a little trophy with his name on it. I put it on a shelf, told him I was proud of him. 

I am proud of him. But where is his “I worked overtime all week, and didn’t sleep most of said week because my wife has been sick and depressed all week so I stayed up late every night even though it nearly killed me but I did it just to spend more time with her and then my whole paycheck went to her medical bills and I could really use some new stuff like working windshield wipers but I didn’t buy those because rain isn’t a thing when my wife needs stuff, oh and also my wife can’t eat ten thousand things because of her stomach problems so I only eat horrible bland food with her even though I worked all week and should probably get a steak and a beer but I don’t want to eat things she can’t so I don’t and instead I eat only what she can eat when I’m home, and also even though I am pretty much falling apart at the seams from all the stress in my life, my wife is nervous about anesthesia and medical stuff this week so I keep it together so I can be there for her because she’s important” trophy. Seriously

WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT TROPHY THOUGH?

And I know, people will say “that’s what marriage is though” but fuck that. Not today. Not in America. I realize how cynical this sounds, but 99% of human beings are selfish assholes, and 99% of them don’t comprehend what marriage is actually all about. It’s not all fluffy, happy, sunshiney good times. Why do you suppose the divorce rate is so high? That’s not what marriage IS nowadays. That’s what marriage is SUPPOSE to be, but isn’t, usually. Well, okay, marriage isn’t supposed to be broken windshield wipes and chronic fatigue....but, well, ya know. Stuff. Oh, and there are exceptions, of course. I know a few happily married folks who would do the same for their spouses. But honestly, it is a rare quality. His fierce loyalty, and selflessness, and devotion, are rare traits. They shouldn’t be, but they are. 

The dude is literally everything every woman wants, but bitches she can never find. And I have it. Like, I have that. I mean, take the fucking spork then, because I don’t need the shit, I got GOLD though. Okay...but seriously...

He has been supportive, caring, devoted, loyal, kind, giving, and wonderful each and every day of our marriage.

And he deserves a trophy for every one.

Also, I’m not the trophy.

No. Nope. No.

And I’m not having a pity party over here. That’s not it. Yes, I’m pretty. I don’t think I’m the hottest thing since the easy bake oven, or the most spectacular woman around, but I know I’m pretty. Yes, I also cook, clean, and sure I satisfy him in the bedroom quite often and quite well. So yeah, I know I give him reasons to be as devoted as he is. But there have been times where I wasn’t at my best, either. Plenty of times. And I’m not the trophy. To him, maybe, but to ME, he deserves more than just me. Yeah, me, but also more. Like, winning the fucking lottery more. He deserves to own and drive one or several of the sports cars he’s always looking at. He deserves to see something online he likes, and be able to order it. He deserves to have the resources and finances to open that restaurant/pizza place he was talking about the other day. He deserves to be able to take a vacation when ever he wants, for any length of time. He deserves a fucking trophy for existing, at this point. And honestly I hope he gets it.

In the meantime, since I can’t buy him a lambo, or a restaurant, I can only just post this tumblr blog on the world wide web and hope that karma does its thing. And like, ya know. Sex stuff. And food. Dudes like that shit.

:)

Any way, I’m back and forth between humor and attempting to be serious, so I’ll close serious. (But ya know as soon as I said that I was tempted to add a “mic drop” to the end there, but I’ll try to be serious. Shhh, hey. Shh, serious time!)

Seriously, my husband is the greatest friend, lover, and partner I could ever have even hoped for. And I only hope he knows, each and every day, that I appreciate him, and adore each and every part of him fully. And that I am better because of him. <3

-Blu wife person <3

PS I actually still need my spork, totally give it back. 

PPS I love you, Fuzzy <3 <3 <3

Today is a really bittersweet day for me. It is, or would have been, Fluffy's 13th birthday. Every year we celebrated it by me going out and buying tons of new treats, toys, cat things, etc and I would bake "cat cakes" for Fluffy and all the cats (yes that's a thing...I have a recipe!) organic shredded chicken with egg and coconut flour baked into a cupcake and garnished with shrimp. Possibly a small human cake for us humans to celebrate. And we would have a little party. I would make a huge deal out of it and get really, really excited to buy him and all the other cats presents. (Yes, I am a crazy cat lady!)

I was really hoping that he would live to see one more birthday with us. But unfortunately that never happened. He passed about 2 months before. Last year I made a huge deal out of it though so at least his last one was great.

I know I go overboard with my cat love but they deserve it. Even if they don't understand why I am singing happy birthday and acting like a nut job, LOL, they know they get extra treats and toys and catnip and "cake" and a whole day dedicated to them. I realize I anthropomorphize them a bit too much but at least I know that! They are animals, but if food and toys make them happy, they don't need to understand.

I do this stuff because my babies changed my life. Growing up I always loved animals but more in the "they're really cool to look at and pet" way, like most kids, but when I got older and had my first cat of my very own I realized that they are truly like little four legged best friends who often times can provide better emotional support than another human can. They made me better.

Fluffy really was my soul mate. I had this connection with him I've never had with a human. Like we connected on this new frequency I'd never known before. I've never loved anyone or anything the way I loved him. Maybe it was due to the fact that I raised him by hand, bottle fed him as a stray kitten, and really thought of him as my baby, and the bond that comes with that is really unique, and really strong. He was my little rock. My best friend and confidante. He was loyal, and kind, and patient with me. He licked my tears away when I cried. He always knew when I needed to be cuddled, or cheered up. Or annoyed to all hell, but shooing him off the counters where he was trying to steal my dinner was a good distraction from whatever was actually bothering me that day! And any one who spent some time at our house would always say "That cat LOVES you, you know that, right? It's so obvious" and he did. And I loved him more than words could ever say.

I've put myself in huge financial debt over him and making sure he had the best medical care when he needed it, once when I was only 18 years old, spending 10 grand I didn't even have when I was absolutely broke, having to sell all my things on eBay and craigslist and take a second job and live very modestly just so he could have medical treatment. Took me years to recover from that hit but looking at him healthy and happy every day was so worth it. I refused when the vets told me it was probably better to put him to sleep, that the cost of treatment was too high. It wasn't. That was almost 10 years ago.   And when he got older and needed cancer treatment it was no different. It was hard to afford biweekly acupuncture for him at home, services like that aren't cheap, holistic vets usually cost more than regular vets. I could have bought a house by now by avoiding all that debt and investment over the years. Or a new car. But I don't care about those things. I only ever wanted my baby to be okay.

13 years later, he's passed, and if I had to reflect and answer the question whether or not I'd do it all over again and go through the pain and loss and grief and all that financial hardship and debt that took so long to repay and rebuild credit and all the struggles and all the tears and all the stress...the answer would be a resounding yes. YES. To all of it. Times ten.

I love all my other cats. So much. So much it's absurd to most people. But Fluffy was my "one". That one animal soul mate who comes into your life for just a short time but changes it forever.

So, this year, we celebrate. Fluffy may not be here to celebrate with us, but we do it in his honor. We celebrate the life he had here on this earth and the joy and love he brought into it for all those around him. I bought all the cats treats and toys and a new scratching post, and some special snacks, and I had a little cake made with Fluffys name on it. Because even in death, his spirit still gives me hope. Hope that even though it all ends someday, it's all still worth going through.

WARNING: Super long post, so basically a book, and also really detailed about medical stuff and woman things, but totally worth reading if you want to know what I've been going through lately and what other women go through with this condition.

I’m not usually one to post about private medical issues on the internet, but I can’t stand this any longer and it’s pretty much been destroying my life.

I have severe endometriosis. It’s excruciating, debilitating, and horrible.

Most people I have told this to have no idea what endometriosis even is. You can look it up. I wish there was more awareness and discussion about this disease so more women would feel understood.

I can tell you that no two women experience the same exact symptoms or level of pain with this disease, and no two women have the same exact response to treatment. It is incurable. Treatable, in most cases, but still ultimately incurable.

I woke up at 4:00 am this morning (went to bed around 1:00) SCREAMING my head off in pain, crying hysterically, hyperventilating, and shaking. My poor husband was of course woken by this, and he had to get up, get me food (which I couldn’t even get down but had to try since I need food with my medicine) and medicine. It took quite a while after taking medicine for the pain to calm down just enough for me to crawl back into bed, but I still slept like total shit and still felt completely horrible. I couldn’t even steady my breathing or anything, I felt like I was dying.

This occurs every month in my life. Sometimes for days and days at a time.

I can no longer work a full time job because of how disabling this has become, and I have had very poor response to treatments so far, even seeing a specialist. Even with medication for pain I have to stay home several days a month, doctors orders. I know that 99% of companies don’t want to hire someone who can’t work for days at a time every month. Luckily, I work part time at a job with a boss who is amazingly understanding and co-workers willing to cover my shifts when needed. But I’d love the ability to work full time again.

In addition to the excruciating pain I have felt…and let me just say, I have never had children, but some small percentage of women who have had both endometriosis and children have actually stated that the pain they’ve experienced with their endometriosis was comparable, or even slightly worse to them than the pain of labor…I once knew a woman who had 3 kids and she told me her endometriosis pain was so bad, it was sometimes worse than when she went into labor with her kids (labor, not birth, childbirth is obviously the most painful thing ever!). The contractions are brutal sometimes…and my doctors have told me mine are right at that level of pain….I can’t imagine this being worse, because I’ve seen videos of labor, but I can imagine it being close sometimes. I’m one of the unlucky ones because some women with endometriosis have much milder pain. But others have excruciating pain. It’s really that intense. I also experience:

Extreme nausea and vomiting. The shakes. Dizziness. Minor fainting-like spells. Migraines. Severe back pain. Pain down both of my legs to the degree of being unable to walk. Painful skin/body sensitivity (the type where your skin hurts all over and even a blanket touching it is painful, kind of like having the flu). Hot flashes. Cold Sweats. Pressure near my bladder making even the tiniest about of fluid intake painful (I had to pee 5 times in an hour last night). Painful urination, to the point of crying just because I have to pee because the pressure is so bad around my pelvic region. Sharp, stabbing, shooting pains through my pelvic area (this is separate from the cramping and contracting and all that). Breast tenderness, not mild, but like, my shirt touching my breasts is even painful sometimes. Extreme bloating/swelling in my abdomen to the point where I literally look pregnant. EXTREME fatigue. And other things I experience here and there.

All of the above happens to me every single month no matter what, and sometimes for up to 10 days (though that’s rare, it’s usually more like 3-5, actually more like 5-7 but the first 3 are the worst).

Again, I’ve responded poorly to all the treatments so far, so my doctor is basically like, okay, pain meds and hormone reducing pills for ever.

And I hate medication. I don’t even like Tylenol. But this has become my life once a month.

People have been asking me why I don’t do as much modeling, or go out a lot, or do fashion shows a lot, or things as often as I used to. This is why. Because the past 2 years it has gotten increasingly worse. And having to tell people “Yeah I can only do things 2 and a half to maybe 3 weeks a month” is difficult and doesn’t give me many options. Plus I also get “mid-cycle pain” and have difficulties during times when I shouldn’t. I haven’t “quit” modeling (just did a shoot a little over a week ago actually, will post those when I get the shots back) but I do a lot less of a lot of things I loved nowadays. Which is quite depressing.

All of the hospital stays weren’t fun, either.

I’m sorry to talk about such personal, not so fun or pleasant things, but I just can’t be quiet about it any more. There needs to be more awareness of this disease. Women out there are suffering, and many of them silently.

I can only hope that sometime in the near future we find a treatment that works.

Just thought I would share this as I have many friends who are very health conscious and are into the whole natural thing. If you are not, no need to criticize those that are. But something came to mind recently as I subscribe to some sites (like Abe's Market for one, I get notices when they have new items I might be interested in) and this came up. Many people talk about eating right and avoiding chemicals in foods, as well as using more natural body care items (soaps, lotions, etc.) and avoiding things like parabens, petrochemicals, sulfates, phthalates, dyes, etc etc. And then there are also people wanting to go vegan, which I am not but can appreciate the lifestyle. BUT. What about.....condoms? Does any one ever think of that? The chemicals in most condoms? The fact that many are not vegan either (if that's your thing)? This company I just discovered, Sir Richards condoms, has some really fascinating information on the subject, and they make natural latex chemical-free condoms.

Some quotes from their website:

"Sir Richard’s condoms are made of all-natural latex and silicone (lubricant). We do not use any fillers in our natural latex, which is a common practice in the industry. Our condoms are free of glycerin, parabens, spermicide and petrochemicals. They are Vegan-certified and PETA-approved with minimal latex odor.

Many lubricants used in condoms contain parabens, glycerines, and/or benzocaine.

Parabens have been found to interfere with normal hormonally regulated processes, which can lead to a variety of negative side effects.

Glycerine is a preservative often added to personal lubricant which doctors have found to increase chances of a yeast infections.

Benzocaine is a local anesthetic added to condoms to help numb up the member so that guys can go the distance.

Side effects of this love potion are dizziness, swelling, sweating and itchiness. None of which are big turn-ons during sex."

Now, I don't work for them or get anything for saying this, but I'd realized as someone who goes out of her way to avoid things like parabens in her beauty products and body care, why I never thought of this with condoms is beyond me, so I'm just passing this along to those possibly interested. Having endometriosis (which is another blog entirely and it totally sucks) I have been trying to avoid anything that could upset my hormonal balance. Not to be TMI but I even switched to organic tampons because there certainly are chemicals in tampons and I realized I didn't want chemicals going up my hoo-ha. Yes I just referred to my vagina as a hoo-ha. I don't, and never have, used things like those "ph balanced" lady soaps, because why? Unless a doctor tells you your ph is whacked, as they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And too many women screw up the, *doctor voice*, delicate vaginal flora by using these products unnecessarily because a commercial told them they weren't fresh enough. Your vagina is fine. It's a self cleaning oven, ladies. Just make sure you shower every day and change your panties often and all that. But the point is, we have some women practically waging war on sex toy companies because of the chemicals present in many dildos being unsafe, so why then are we not demanding that more condom companies provide safer condom alternatives? Parabens, people. Parabens to quote again "have been found to interfere with normal hormonally regulated processes" and yet we want to stuff them into our nether regions and that's that. No, we deserve better. Men too. I am sure parabens aren't fantastic for penises either. SAVE THE PENISES! And the vajay-jay's! Consider switching to natural condoms :)

That's all I have to say about that!

No wait...it isn't. I have a lot more! I totally got inspired to write this also because I just used these with my husband for the first time tonight and yes, they are fantastic. We only used the ultra thin so far, but I did not realize condoms came so thin. Jeez. This is a good thing! We had previously used Trojan or Durex ultra thin and these are honestly much better. Oh and Lifestyles, we used those too. It was kind of funny when my husband put it on he actually stopped for a second to look down and say "Wow...these....these really are thin!" which is amazing because normally he is in a rush to, um, get in there, because he can't wait to start (this is where the egotist in me gets to shine...) because I'm so awesome apparently. OR just because it's sex and ya know, whether I was awesome or not it'd be just as exciting because sex is good. But let me just have this one, okay? Ha. I'm a pretty modest person but once in a while let me feel good about myself mmkay? But on a serious note, I got these for $2 from Abe's market on their "Try for 2" page, and I am so thrilled with them I will be buying more. He was too.

And before any one brings this up.....*sigh*......yes, I am still using condoms even though I am married. I don't see why that's so weird. People always question me when I tell them that, like "But why, you're married!" YEAH AND MAYBE I LIKE HAVING A UTERUS WITH VACANCY FOR A LITTLE LONGER OKAY?! JEEBUS CROW! Plus I am highly, HIGHLY sensitive to birth control, and react VERY poorly to almost all types (yes I've tried most major types....ring, patch, pill, other pill, other other pill, shot, estrogen combo, ultra low dose, progestin only, etc) so condoms are a thing for us. Though, because I track my cycles and ovulation pretty accurately (I'm not a beginner in that) we have a small window each month we can get away with it if we're careful. But usually, condoms.

And from now on, I think, these are the ones we will be using indefinitely.

And I hope I've educated and possibly helped at least one of you, somewhere out there! I totally wish someone told me about these sooner myself.

-Blu

So today, in the shower, my husband runs in and tells me he's joining me. Okay, cool. I certainly don't mind the company. He then immediately gets behind me and I had to bend down to grab something, so he yells. At my ass. DIRECTLY at my ass. No actual words, just a yell.  I look back at him and I'm like "What the fuck was that?!" And he simply replies, very calmly... "Gangnam Style."

So I was at the hospital visiting Nana today and outside of the bathroom in her room there was like 6 light switches and I couldn't figure out which one turned the bathroom light on. My husband was trying to tell me, but apparently I didn't hear him even though he was right there saying it, and my Mom was in the room, and it went something like this...

Husband: "It's the last one on the left. No, last one on the left. No, not the middle....left. Last one. On the left. LEFT. She's......she's not getting it"

Mom: "Yeeeah, she gets that from her father"

Husband: *glares at her*

Mom: ......

Husband: *glares more*

Mom: "OKAY FINE, SHE GETS IT FROM ME!"

As some of you know, I am a staff member at Strange Beauty Magazine. My main job is PR, but I suck at it lately because, well, life. Admittedly, I have been quite busy and stressed and tired and somewhat elusive to social media lately. But beyond being staff now, I have also appeared as a model in the magazine (shortly before I joined as staff) and have written article(s), so far one was published, my review on the newest season of Orange is the New Black in the last issue, but I am going to be writing some really fantastic beauty pieces, specifically on eco friendly and organic beauty products, tools, and tips, as well as homemade natural beauty recipes! I am really passionate about this publication right now, we're still fairly brand new but I love the way DJ (founding editor in chief and creative director) has incorporated all genres of fashion and beauty into this awesome publication (yes it's heavily alt based but there is also fitness, mainstream, glam, so on) and it is also so great to see an androgynous model in our staff, Dylan, (featured below) who is getting spot light for being talented and beautiful both as a male model and female model, but not just for that but for true skills and talent in many other fields. We're also very LBGTQ friendly and supportive, which I love, and do just about...well, "it all".

I am so honored to be able to work with such an awesome team (Crimson, for one, small world we'd both end up here but my long time great friend and the "ring bearer/man of honor/roast master" at my own wedding...who writes incredible, humorous, and well thought out media reviews, and I am excited to be able to write on occasion for an actual publication myself, albeit a smaller newer one, but nonetheless one who has already featured actual celebrities and well known alt models, and one with great potential for success (I can't divulge much but there are talks of distributors and stores purchasing our magazine to sell, and there is great interest, so perhaps newsstands soon!) and finally I'll not just have the internet to rant to ;) 

So, if you have some time, between instagramming your dinner and tweeting about Miley, please check out SBM because I am sure there is something you will find that you will love, that will speak you!

And give them a like if you're on facebook. https://www.facebook.com/strangebeautymagazine 

-Blu

XoX

Model seen in image below: Dylan Peck

Update: My apologies for the quiet...I haven't been posting lately, at least in the way of new photos, as I have been dealing with a few person things. For one, my cat Nikki passed away after a long battle with auto immune disease and renal failure, and if you know me you know how close I am with my pets and how they are just as family to me as my human family. That hit me pretty hard and I haven't much been myself lately. Two, nobody panic (no really, don't, I'm fine! And I don't want to panic because you panicked lol) but I have had a couple of hospital visits myself and I am working with a cardiologist and neurologist in early March to determine what is wrong exactly though there are ideas. I'm doing better now though and taking some medicine they advised in the meantime (mostly aspirin) and supplements. But really I'm okay. Just been taking it easy and taking time for myself! But since I am feeling well enough now I am going to be booking shoots for mid March. I'll try to entertain you with some blogs, selfies, and "throw back" pics in the meantime, lol! But thanks for staying here and supporting my work and my pages. I'll be back in action asap! I know my tumblr is not always updated weekly but my fb always is and I've been bad at that lately with all the stuff going on so I apologize, but again, I'll be shooting much more in a few weeks. So there's that. YAY for future shoots <3 I am hoping this summer I can complete a good chunk of my local and semi local "photographer bucket list" too, I mean all the people I have been dying to work with and haven't yet had the opportunity for one reason or another. That is the plan! Til then... 

If any one was ever curious what my marriage is like, this will be a nice little inside look. I can tell you, it's quite interesting, I mean I am married to a guy named "Fuzzy" after all. Not to be confused with my cat, Fluffy. I wonder how many people out there have confused my status updates about my husband with posts about my cat...

Any way, so here's a thing,

My husband tells me before bed last night, he feels like the skin on his back is dry, with winter and all, and asks me if I'd be so kind as to rub some lotion on him. So of course, I oblige. Afterwards, I say to him "You know, I think my back needs lotion too, think you could put some lotion on my back also?" so like a good husband, he agrees.

I lay down on the bed with my shirt off and he grabs the bottle of lotion, and begins to drip some onto my back. He then immediately puts the lotion back on the night stand, rolls over in bed, and says "Okay, it's done" to which I reply "What?" 

He says "I put lotion on your back!"

....*facepalm*

So as I'm laying there with globs of lotion on my back, unable to roll over without getting it all over the bed, I tell him

"No honey, I meant to rub it in! I want you to RUB IT IN now!"

So then he creeps up next to me and exclaims

"YOU'VE GOT LOTION ON YOUR BACK, IT'S ON YOUR BACK, HAHA YOU'VE GOT LOTION ON YOUR BACCCCKKKK!!!"

so I ask "What in the hell are you doing??!"

to which he responds...

....."Rubbing it in!"

And THAT, kiddies, is what marriage is like. 

To be fair, after he had his laugh, he did rub the lotion in (with his hands, not his words!), and actually spent an extra few minutes giving me a little back massage, which was nice. My husband is an awesome guy, and despite how ridiculous he can be sometimes, I don't think I'd change him if I could. Besides, we aren't exactly that different him and I ... ;) I suppose, I expect him to put up with me also, so all is fair, really :)

-Blu