Tu Fui, Ego Eris

He passed away, given all the things that kept happening with his care it felt like we just needed to cut off everything and have a sibling be with him until he passed.

As much as id hoped he'd wake up, seen how poorly he was taken care of, how more and more you could see infections taking over, he really needed to pass. On the off chance he could feel what was happening to him, it felt selfish to want that last talk and prolong his suffering.

Theres the inherent guilt I feel for pushing for it and asking for him to be humanely killed, ignoring other family members messages. My family is overwhelmingly positive and abrasively religious at it. They would take any update to take it as a sign of god that he's alive and fighting, when in truth was the hospital doing things wrong, for example he coded and was brought back to life because they lost the dnr, he had a staph infection but aside from the hospital telling people to scrub up, hed be housed with other patients and not disclose to visitors to not touch him without ppe, it felt like we could easily be the reason a non terminal patient passed or get really sick, but im sure they would have argued that was divine intervention that the hospital was screwing up. Its not, hospitals just suck. So I ignored messages and thought I would update when he passed only.

I saw him in person, i saw his wounds, the wounds getting bigger, there was no quality of life left. And ultimately at the end I felt like I did do the right thing. All the thoughts of "what if he would have woken up the next day?" Got quelled by knowing that if he had woken, it would have been screaming in agony and likely pass or code from the pain.

My real guilt is in breaking the news. I have a pretty manipulative uncle and theyve been doing this thing with me their whole life where they would help me but it would be full of terms and conditions where I would essentially indenture myself to him. He would use push and pull tactics and when the time to help me as he promised came, he wouldn't and would just partially help. I can see deep down he wants to help, but he cant do it without devaluing others.

This time he offered to pay the funeral bills if my sister took care of his funeral arrangements, but when it was time to ask for the money he really didnt want to do it. Asking why didnt we have the money, or how much money id spent over the course of this, i got annoyed as we could pay for it, but why offer to pay if they werent going to? It landed on this: when it was time to pay have the funeral home call him and then hed give his credit card number. It soured me and i keep expecting him to find a reason to feel offended and back out. I told my sister to tell me if he backed out and i would pay, but right now to not give in to his questions and just counter with thats what he promised.

I dont know if that's the excuse im making, but when he got really demanding about my dad not being cremated within 3 days after his death, i got vague and mentioned that while we can ask for it there really isnt any reassurance thats what theyll do, that we can cite religious reasons for not doing it and say to please wait 3 days. He went on this hole thing about how the soul works and hes seen butterflies when a loved one is near death, meaning theres a soul. And though priests have told him its a coincidence, he wants ultimate reassurance he wont be cremated within 3 days. I could have lied and make an educated guess that he wouldn't, but instead I said i didnt know. I mentioned that if he really had terms for how this should be done that he feels so strongly about. Then he should remember he specified he wanted to be reached when it was time to make a payment, he could easily mention that then.

He got quiet and asked if I called him for the money only. Said he didnt feel like talking to me and hung up that he'd pay.

I feel that was cruel of me, I could see myself getting annoyed by the religion angle. By the expectation for him to get annoyed by the payment. I feel like i could have been tactful, just lied and say that they wouldn't, but saying "I dont know" was cruel.

But what if he wasnt doing a thing? It still doesnt take away that I allowed him to become upset that past traumas with him took priority when I should have just let things play out and if he backed out oh well. Instead I didnt spare his feelings. His brother died and it did nothing for me to not be like him.

I ended up not calling anyone else. I just looked at nothing for an hour thinking im a rottten person.

Because it doesnt mean anything to have the want to be better, or realize what im doing its bad, if at the end I dont do anything different.

I don't know if it soured our relationship. Im pretty sure we wont be on speaking terms anymore. But I need to say this. I dont believe in religious ideologies but I need to purge this way of thinkng. I dont want to be this. I can see im mimicking the ways ive been treated my whole life. But any victim hood is annulled to moment i pass it on.

Rest in peace Dad.