far beyond the stars

Me as a kid: ‘’ Hell yeah this is the first time I made it through an all-nighter!’’

The out/closeted dichotomy is useful as a general descriptor but when we treat it as a universally helpful measurement, that does very real harm to LGBT people. Out/closeted(ness) is a social condition created by our surroundings, which change multiple times daily and of course vary by culture and location and a variety of other factors. Coming out is not a single event, but a lifetime of small moments wherein many of us carefully measure the costs and benefits of answering basically invasive questions about who we are that non-LGBT people never have to answer. While we generally see closetedness as coercive, as a situation created specifically by omnipresent homophobia, we need to push ourselves to see outness as also coercive- as a social condition also created by homophobia in that nobody but us is asked to be “out.” Outness is a particular subject position that would not exist without homophobia and its basic use is just as negative as positive: outness is just as much to earn others, to put us up for public scrutiny and conversation, as much as it is about us being able to live our lives in peace. Most people I know who are “out” are out to varying degrees: out to family is not the same as walking down the street with your partner’s hand in yours is not the same as out at work is not the same thing as out at school is not the same as out online etc etc. Heterosexuals cannot be “out” and I think we need to remind ourselves that this too is because of homo/bi/transphobia. There is no shame in not being partly or fully or conditionally out. We shouldn’t have to do this.

Young Man