Texts From Torchwood

(317): I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date

(512): i got me so drunk!

(218): So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.

(254): Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?

(717): I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired.

(918): Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!

(217): There’s a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you’ll regret every second that you remember. 

(925): Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.

(732): Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period

(832): shots, cocks, socks. bingo

(405): Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/texture, don’t taste it.

(320): Yelled “don’t taze me bro” as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.

(1-570): Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphabetical order

(834): Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle

(716): I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else’s sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.