#tosh

Name: Tosh Debut: Splatoon 3

Man, it's been a long time since I've written a post on an irrelevant Splatoon musician, huh? The last one was what, Keaton back in 2021? And that was for an April Fools event! He didn't even have a localized name back then! Now, nearly all the minor musicians have localized names, and we have a whole entire Splatoon 3 as well!

Splatoon 3 was an exciting prospect for us Irrelevant Splatoon Musicians Fans. Everyone was wondering what it would do to shake up the metagame. Would they finally nerf Wet Floor? Would Chirpy Chips remain a dominant top-tier? And what would become of my beloved Ink Theory...?

With an entire update cycle having come and gone, we have answers to all these questions! "Into the ground and then some," "more than ever," and "they're back in Ska Form".

Meet Yoko & the Gold Bazookas, my favorite new band in Splatoon 3! Pretty easy to get that title when you contain half my favorite band from Splatoon 2, but the new developments are just as if not more exciting. A blue-ringed Octoling? Our first non-Inkling squid character? A tall goth girl? All wonderful new additions to the Splatoon canon!

I honestly really wanted to write a post on all of them, but a seven-in-one combo pack post isn't really something I can afford in this economy, so we're just gonna have to settle for a post on Tosh, okay?

Tosh is the band's baritone saxophonist, and right out of the gate makes a strong first impression with their character design. I am easily won over by glasses so thick they obscure your eyes, but glasses just translucent enough to reveal a complete lack of eyes? We're only just starting and we already have a 10/10 character design!

The big floppy hat... the flannel shirt... the fact their entire body is seemingly made from thin appendages arranged in a vaguely humanoid shape... The moment I saw this character design, I instantly fell in love. And I mean that literally. I want to both look like this and date someone who looks like this. I'm Tosh4Tosh!

But for a long time, the character design was all we had! We didn't even have a name for this character until over half a year later, and it took about a year after that to learn anything about them! Hell, fans couldn't even figure out what species they were supposed to be! Lots of people thought they were a blue button, but I wasn't convinced. Not with a mouth THAT echinoidean.

Thankfully the release of BancalaWalker last year gave us confirmation that Tosh is supposed to be a flower urchin! That explains why they look so urchinlike without having any visible spines! This also puts the total percentage of sea urchins on the Gold Bazookas at 42.85%, the highest in Splatoon history, possibly explaining why come they're so awesome.

But what else did we learn about Tosh...? I had been fawning over this character for the past year and a half, but barely knew anything about my celebrity crush! Could they have dark secrets that would leave my dreams celebrity crushed?

Only one way to find out. Thankfully, we live in an age where we actually get fan translations of Splatoon art books in a timely fashion rather than having to rely on blurry screenshots posted online thanks to people like @rassicas and the fine team at splatoonlore.ink, so we can hear straight from the source...

"A baritone saxophonist whose activities are based overseas. In the brass band they joined in middle school, they lost a game of rock-paper-scissors and got saddled with playing the baritone saxophone no one else chose. However, they now have no intention of playing anything else. When a funny story is told, they laugh for such a long stretch of time that they're frequently witnessed laughing all on their own."

Dear god. Tosh is lame as fuck.

...they're PERFECT.

I would cast of Rain of Fire, but I don't think this volcano needs any more fuel... 🔥🌋

Sometime down the line Buck and Tommy break up amicably and stay friends and buddie happens. Buck feels kinda guilty though, partially because he feels like he might've unintentionally led Tommy on and partially because every time they talk he ends up mentioning Eddie. And Tommy is still single.

So, this rather needless guilt is just sitting in the back of Buck’s mind. And then one night, he ends up over at Maddie and Chim’s for drinks or whatever and Josh happens to be there. Josh is sipping wine and bemoaning how single he is.

And Buck gets an idea.

Buck: Hey, Josh, how’d you like to date a hot, charming firefighter?

Josh: How is that even a question?

Of course, Buck sets them up, and to everyone's delight it goes rather well! They have a similar sense of humor, full of snark and wit, so the banter is Level 100. Josh likes that Tommy is gentleman, picking him up, driving, picking up the check. Josh knows he can take care of himself, but it's nice, to feel a little special sometimes. To have some attention. And if how Tommy went about asking Buck out was anything to go by, Tommy likes treating!